How to move on/Stop over-thinking

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Liane 3 months ago.

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  • #29182 Report

    lk25
    Participant

    Hi everyone

    Newbie here, so be gentle 🙂

    I separated with my husband of 7 years (together for 16) last year. It has been very amicable and in the grand scheme of things, compared to other people’s, a very ‘easy’ separation. We have a 3 and a 5 year old and he is very hands-on and involved in their lives.

    My issue is, I can not stop thinking about the fact that we are no longer together and that I am on my own. He has met someone else (which is fine, as we won’t be getting back together) so all I can think of is how he, and everyone else in the world, is living a wonderful life and I feel like I’m the only single person in the world. All I can think of is how and when I will find someone else.

    Does anyone have any top tips on how to stop constantly thinking about the fact I am single and stop thinking about my ex. It is the first thought when I wake up and pretty much what I think about all day long.

     

    Long post, thanks for reading

    #29188 Report

    Kanger1
    Participant

    Hi

    No advice, but similar to you – no wanting to get back with my ex and all amicable but feel I am being left behind. Everyone else is dating or moving on or settled in their situations. I pop on online dating occasionally but find it dull and not for me (i am 7 mths separated so newer to it all i guess).

    I only think about my ex in the terms of is he having a better social life than me but realise it will be a while before i am ready to meet someone new, its kind of good to spend time with me but at this time of year its hard not to suffer fear of missing out. We are probably not missing out on as much as we think?

    Maybe look for a new hobby or project as a distraction? It might help take your mind off things… I am studying and going to get back into my running. Good luck

    #29190 Report

    lk25
    Participant

    Hi

    Thanks for the reply.

    I think you’re right-everyone else seems to be living a better life and have theirs sorted. Society tells us that we need to be in a perfect family unit to have the best life and I was with him since I was 18, so it’s a lot about adjusting my mindset really.

    I’ve signed up for a half-marathon in September so that’s keeping me busy. I guess a lot of it will be making small changes to everyday life and doing things a bit differently so that my new life feels more ‘normal’

    Good luck to you too

    x

    #29193 Report

    AnnaP
    Participant

    Hi,

     

    Its true that society seems to make us feel like we should be in a couple. I have recently split from my partner of 30 years after years of emotional abuse. I am happy now. I have two wonderful teenage kids and a dog. I can’t see myself wanting to be with a partner again. I would say try and enjoy yourself, make new friends / hobbies , a half  marathon sounds amazing . You will meet someone when the time is right, don’t rush to get into another relationship. Its a hard thing to do when you see everyone on line looking so happy but no one knows whats going on in other peoples relationships. Take time for you 🙂

     

     

     

    #29194 Report

    Ramblinjon
    Participant

    Hi lk25.

    Welcome to the forum.

    3 years ago I had a very intense relationship with a girl I thought the world of, unfortunately it was an emotionally abuse relationship which in a way made the aftereffects so much worse, like you the girl occupied my every waking thought, I kept having flashbacks and my dreams at night were full of her. I just couldn’t get my head around the fact that I offered her everything and yet she treated me so poorly. I came to learn that the abuse caused me to have PTSD.

    Mostly it’s faded in time although on the odd occasion when I bump into her everything comes flooding back as though what happened was only yesterday. Thankfully I think she has moved away so I’m guessing she only comes back now and again to see friends.

    I’ve had a couple of minor relationships since which didn’t really do me any favours but I’m now at the point where I’m craving to be back in a relationship, while I’m utterly devoted to my son he, now being 13 doesn’t need me around so much so it’s left me with a lot of time to dwell on what I’m missing. Not only that but I know I’m not living the life I want to lead, my life is unstructured, even my work varies from day to day having 4 or 5 completely jobs only one of which I actually want to do. I feel with the right person in my life I could change my whole life outlook.

    At the moment a relationship seems a little unreal but I also know that anything can happen and possibly I could meet the ‘one’ at any moment. I just wish she would come around the corner sooner rather than later. I’m not desperate but I am missing a big chunk from life.

    One thing I do know and as a part time taxi driver I see it alot is that our perceptions of other people’s relationships are often wrong and how we view those relationships are skewed by whats going on in our own lives, it’s more a reflection of what we want.

    Mark

    #29213 Report

    lk25
    Participant

    Thank you all for your replies and words of encouragement. It really helps to know that there are other people in a similar position which is why forums like this are so helpful. At times it feels like I’m the only single person surrounded by happy couples and happy families, but, like you have all said, it’s just my perception of them and we don’t really know exactly what is going on in other people’s lives.

    Hope everyone has a good day

    Thanks again

    x

     

    #29285 Report

    red23
    Participant

    I broke up from my co-parent two years ago. I can tell you a few things which helped me get over sudden and unexpected single parenthood.

    Follow some mindfulness/meditation videos.

    Take any physical exercise you enjoy. Listen to music or do whatever makes you feel beautiful on the inside.

    Talk to people- once people around understood that the “perfect happy family” they had seen me in was superficial, lots of people opened up about marital difficulties and compromises in their own lives that I never would have expected.

    #29286 Report

    red23
    Participant

    [sorry hit submit by mistake…]

    Also read some articles about happiness studies- on average, single people are not more miserable and lonely than married people.

    Did you have a hobby or interest that you left behind a little as it didn’t fit in well with married life, or was just not your ex’s cup of tea? Take it up again!

    Literally make a list of silver linings to this cloud in your life and your child’s life. Acknowledge even the trivial ones, and be thankful for them.

    Try to notice if you start filling the apparent void in your life with things or people which are not actually good for you. Limit those things and let your own positive self grow to fill the void instead.

    #29292 Report

    Liane
    Participant

    Oh God.

    Im on the opposite again.

    When my relationship with my kids dad finally finished i was so physically, mentally and emotionally drained all i wanted to do was drown in a pool of depression. I used to have to count to myself in the morning just to get out of bed and do the whole motivational prep talk thing.

    It was through not having a television in my bedroom that i managed to do anything.

    Last year i signed up to plenty of fish. I chatted to a few lads on there then began dating one last September. My kids dad lives in a different county so his not an issue.

    I totally get the whole ‘ou, were not together anymore thing’. Septembers my next crack at the gauntlet. I’m off to Blenheim and looking forward to attending some date in a dash events.

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