How to handle dads contact/involvement with newborn

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  • #32837 Report

    EmmaJ84
    Participant

    I’m looking to hear other peoples advice/help on what to do.

    My husband has walked out on me and I’m 6 months pregnant. I’m very much in love with him still, and the fact he’s left has come as a major shock. He says he wants to be there for the birth and when our son is born, but I really don’t know how to deal with it.

    I dont want to deny my husband being there for his son, but at the same time it’s going to be incredibly hard for me given I still love him so much. I’m feeling torn between doing what’s right for myself and what’s right for him and my unborn son if that makes sense.

    Now I appreciate that in 3 months the dust will settle and things may be different, but I don’t think the love I feel for my husband will suddenly be gone in February and I worry it’ll be too difficult for me to deal with when my baby is here. I think my husband thinks he’ll be able to come and go as he pleases when the baby is here, but I don’t feel thats fair to me. But at the same time I know he has to bond with his son. I’m going to breastfeed so its not even like he can take him away from me for too long. It’s such a messy situation and I dont know how the hell I’m going to navigate it! I don’t want to be unreasonable, but at the same time I don’t want to put myself through more pain.

    If anyone has been through anything similar please let me know how you did it!!

    Thank you x

    #32874 Report

    Newkind of free
    Participant

    Hi EmmaJ84

    i went through something similar except I was 5 months pregnant and had an older child, when he announced he had a child with another woman. I decided to let him be there and be part of it, as it’s important for the baby to bond with their father. In the early days you’re going to need as much help as possible so I would suggest investing in a good breast pump and expressing so you can get help and rest when needed. It was extremely hard because I felt my whole world had been crushed, but it’s important to allow yourself time to heal and go through the motions. For me it literally felt like a bereavement but my beautiful babies kept me going and I came through the other side better for it. It’s important to communicate with your ex and let him know exactly how he made you feel, not so you can guilt trip him or put him down, but I felt it helped me come to terms with everything and it was part of the healing process. Today we are on good terms and put the children first. I’ve honestly learned so much about myself and I know you will be fine.

    i wish you the best x

    #32893 Report

    Newkind of free
    Participant

    @Anonymous it sound like you were responding to my post. I was not suggesting he come and go as he pleases. I was suggesting regular contact and help, giving him a chance to bond with his child (for the child’s benefit). The rest is what worked for me and as stated now I’m in a great place, as are my children. You seem to have very rigid rules on how contact should take place. There is no rule book and each person should do what works for them. It’s a very emotive subject and hopefully she has a massive support network that will help her get through. There are many ways an adult can deal with trauma, what he done is awful, however that needs to be separated from his ability to be a decent father. It is important for children to have both parents in their life where possible and it is up to us as adults to use our emotional intelligence to do what’s best for our children.

    I had my ex and my mother at the birth and they were both super supportive.

    #32895 Report

    EmmaJ84
    Participant

    Thank you both for your replies. Its certainly given me food for thought. I’ve decided not to make any decisions just yet, my emotions are still all over the place and I need to let myself settle and calm down. I dont know how I’ll feel in a few months, or what’s going to happen. It’s such a bonkers situation to be honest, I really don’t know what more twists and turns to expect! I’ve told him I dont want any contact with him until January, which he’s not particularly happy about, but I have to look after myself and get through this pregnancy without any more stress!

    #33031 Report

    Debbiee
    Participant

    Hello Emma

    I hope you are well and healthy in your pregnancy. Congratulations! I am a first time mum and was in a similar situation except my partner said he wasnt interested in relationship and only wanted to be involved with his child, when I was 2 months pregnant. My baby is now 4 months old and I have learnt alot from this experience. My first suggestion would be make sure you are truly focused on yourself and your baby in this precious last trimester. Read encouraging blogs, if you’re religious, seek your community and pray and try to erase negative memories associated with your ex and focus on your internal positives and the exciting new journey of having your baby (even if it is not how you planned it to be). Secondly, i think you are wise to limit contact with your ex in this time. My ex turned around 180° when the baby was born and now really wants to be back in my life but I have drawn a firm line saying no. Co-parenting sucks. I am doing fine on my own with baby and do not need the negative vibes that he often brings. I believe in most cases like ours, emotionally it may well be easier for you if you can cut ties with him, frankly. But if you do insist on having him in the picture (which you do not legally have to do – the baby is in your sole care), draw clear boundaries with him from the outset. Wouldn’t suggest having him at the birth, unless you see a large genuine benefit in having him present. Delivery is a highly vulnerable time and it’s hard work and it will benefit if you are not distracted and are focused entirely on you and your baby at that time. My experience was that my birth was an enjoyable, positive and quick water birth and I intentionally did not have the dad present; just my mum in the birthing suite.

    Best,

    #33054 Report

    EmmaJ84
    Participant

    I still feel really confused at the moment to be honest. I really don’t know what I want. Because I still love him so much I obviously want him there, but don’t know if it will do me any favours! I know he’s suffering with depression and that’s what is causing him to behave in this crazy way, this is what’s really tearing me as to what to do. On the one hand he’s caused me unimaginable pain, but on the other I know this isn’t really him. It’s very complicated! I am literally having sleepless nights over it all x

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