how to do the right thing with a baby on the way

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Solve 4 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #23486 Report

    chelley90
    Participant

    <span style=”color: #1a1919; font-family: Lato, sans-serif; background-color: #fbfbfb;”>my ex made my pregnancy so difficult. assaulting me, being drunk all the time, sleeping with other women. when we tried to work it out he ended up getting a new gf two weeks later. then blaming me for the assault, then going to denying he assaulted me saying i made it up because i am bitter and jealous. i had enough and refrained from communication until he emailed me yesterday saying he just wants to amicably sort out access for him. ive said il never stop him seeing his child. i have been more than amicable with all that he has put me through and stayed silent on the matters. its actual gut wrenching knowing that he has no remorse and will get away with everything hes done because i dont want to be bitter or do anything in retaliation that will just bring difficulty to my child. but it feels like i am just allowing myself to be trampled on for the sake of being the better person. hes never going to have to face up to what he has done to me. </span>

     

    he is constantly telling me hes going to solicitors and the bsby isnt even born yet. am i doing the right thing by saying yes we can be amicsble when he clearly cant be trusted

    #23490 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    Hi Chelley, welcome to the forum.

    What you are describing is abuse pure and simple.  Both physical and psychological.  This is someone you can do without in your life.  Amicability isn’t something you decide for yourself as you describe by saying yes –  it’s a state where both parents are respectful to one another because things just didn’t work out as opposed to circumstances such as adultery or abuse.

    The best thing you can do in your situation is ensure you have support from the right people and make sure primarily you are protected during your pregnancy, but then once the baby is born that your child doesn’t suffer abuse either.

     

    #23492 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    To safeguard-you and baby you need to report the assaults to police and midwife and health visitor

    If you don’t report then you’ll be in a scenario where he’ll always potentially be a threat to you and controlling you via your child for the next eighteen years!

    You’ll also have no evidence to use if and probably when he goes to court, to spite you and possibly to be able to play happy families with the new girlfriend.

    being amicable would be best however in situations such as this I would suggest that you simply try to get an agreement in place or at least written evidence that you have made a reasonable offer for contact.

    He cant go to court until after baby is born so that’s a daft threat right now.

    I would offer only in email, not in text, WhatsApp or any other means, only responding via email:

    that he can meet baby once here – once you’re well enough to facilitate and baby is fit. That all contact will be (this is your choice)  with either a third party present in a public location such as garden centre cafe or in a contact centre as a supervised visit at his cost.

    If this goes to court you  need to show that the violence etc you took seriously and was safeguarding baby until it was known that he was safe with baby and you.

    #23494 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    Just to add to this, I would respond in writing as opposed to email.

    Email is not only extremely insecure but also does not offer non-repudiation.  It does not guarantee the author’s validity…nor that it was received by the intended recipient, nor that it was read if received.  And this could easily be disputed.

    I’d reccomend all of what Solomummy said above but that you send any documents where validity are required by royal mail recorded signed for delivery, that way there can be no dispute.

    #23552 Report

    Hi Chelley90

    I’m glad to see the participants on this forum are offering you some support.  I will be sending you a private message with some separate signposting options.

    Take care, Justine

    #23565 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    Hi Chelsey,

    Congratulations on your baby.

    I’d just add that you have potentially 18 years of co-parenting with your ex, so you are right, being amicable is in everyone’s interests. However, that doesn’t mean he gets to bully you. Calmly, and at your pace, decide how YOU want it to work.

    I’ve set up a separate email account for my ex. Any communication goes via that email address, then everything is in writing & it’s easier to separate it in your head. Do not respond to any other communications. Block him everywhere else.

    Report ALL threats. Keep a diary of when he messes you about and doesn’t show when he says he will. Agree maintenance as soon as the baby is born. The first time he doesn’t pay, send him an email asking for him to transfer the funds. If it isn’t there in 24 hours, put in a CMS claim.

    Set some ground rules, he does not come into your home again.  Access to begin with will be with a 3rd party present, someone you trust, or at a contact centre.

    Once you and the baby are comfortable, increase access.  Whether you put him on the birth certificate is up to you. Will he make the effort to do it?

    Basically, don’t take any crap, no 2nd chances. He’s already run out of those. He is a nasty creep and you and your child deserve better.

    #23620 Report

    Solve
    Participant

    Hey,

    I had this happen to me with my ex. I left him and moved home. I spoke to the midwives about it and they were really helpful. I cut contact with him during pregnancy as he was bullying g me and sending me horrible emails and messages, I reported this to the police. My son is 5 months now and I don’t want my ex to have any contact.

    When my son was born I felt bad for my ex and was talking about it to the midwife. She said “would him having access be beneficial to you and your baby? Or is it just for his benefit?”

    You do not need to be amicable, you need to keep yourself safe.

    Good luck xx you are being really strong

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