How to cope during visits

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  • #42523 Report

    Sarahmc31
    Participant

    Hi,

    I’m new here and was hoping to get some advice. My husband left me a week into lockdown when our son was 12 days old. A lot of new, hurtful information has come to light since then that I have been struggling to deal with.
    Because my son had pneumonia when he was born, we were advised to shield for 12 weeks which my husband accepted. He continued to visit him in the garden/socially distanced visits outside. After 12 weeks we agreed that he could come back into the house and hold him/begin to develop a bond with him and agreed that this should happen for a few weeks for a number of hours, for him to become familiar with his ways, before he takes him to his parents house (where he is currently living).

    This week is going to be the first week that he takes him away for 3 hours on Wednesday and 5 hours on Sunday. I know it will be good for my son in the long run and he is very good with him but the thought of handing him over is crippling me inside. I was wondering if anyone had any ideas on how to cope with it all? Currently my plan is to hide under a blanket for the three hours but I know that isn’t a rational plan. Any advice would be great. Really struggling with it all.

    #42525 Report

    Alexa34
    Participant

    Hi, the thing to focus on here is that he is good with him. You know he will be safe and over time you could use this time for you to get some extra sleep and have a bath or whatever makes you feel like you again. It is going to be emotionally hard at first especially with your son being so young. But you can do this, just use it to focus on you.  Have you tried listening to audio books? These help me to take my mind off things occasionally.

    Im not in the same boat as you so my advice may not work for you which is okay. The twins dad has chosen to not have any contact with his boys. He is also not a caring dad towards them and I know they would not be safe with him. They are 16months now.  Therefore I don’t have to go through what you are dealing with. But sometimes I wish I had that choice so I could get some sleep or have a undisturbed bath etc.

    Your strong you can do this x

    #42529 Report

    Sarahmc31
    Participant

    Thanks Alexa for responding. You are right, I need to hold onto the fact that I know he will be safe. It’s just hard as he has spent so much time with me because of lockdown that I’m concerned he won’t settle or will be distressed- the longest he has spent away from me is an hour for me to do the food shop. I’ll try the audio book tip- thanks.
    I’m sorry to hear about your situation- that must be really tough. Hopefully you will get a little more time as the twins get a bit older. Take care x

    #42536 Report

    Alicekrige
    Participant

    I always had to focus on the fact that he is a good Father and just because our relationship was wrong, doesn’t mean that either of us are bad parents. I Have always looked at it not as his or my rights but the rights of my children to a relationship with their Father. Gawd he drives me doolally sometimes (and I am fairly certain he gets this too of me!!!!) BUT my kids love him and vice versa. He has since remarried and she is lovely. She is a far better partner for him than I ever was !! It was horrendous to start with as I wasn’t ready to let my children out of my sight yet so I did disappear under that blanket and sob for 48 hours Until they came back….I really did struggle. Even now, 12 years on, I miss them when they go to his 😉 When I finally drove myself forward to occupying every moment they weren’t there, it certainly made the time pass quicker…..under that blanket it drags and drags.

    Best thing about it is that we are all civil with each other and in years to come, our children will very much appreciate how we did things with them as our focus rather than trying to outdo or punish one another 🙂

    I won’t say it’s always been easy, but it is a whole heap easier if you can keep focus on your life and what you are using that time for 🙂 I found that a quick chat when they get back as in “you had a good time with Daddy & wife? – what have you been up to?” Whatever they choose to tell me at this point (which is never much!!!) is usually met with “ ooooo what fun” and similar gushy things. I’ve had to focus on their happiness rather than what they have done with him as that just used to upset me that I was missing their cheery smiles etc.

    A new hobby or things that you cannot do as easily with a baby like going shopping And trying things on etc. Read a book uninterrupted, have a bath that lasts as long as you want it to…catch up with friends….but most of all, keep busy busy.

    I hope it all works out for you – take care of you first and foremost. If you ever need a yarn, shout xxxxxx

     

    P.S. I forgot to say…..they sometimes bawled their eyes out not wanting to leave me but I had to smile it through and say bye bye….you will have a wonderful time with Daddy. Mamma loves you so much…..and he would let me know when they got back to his that they were absolutely fine 😉 xx

     

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by Alicekrige. Reason: Forgot to add a bit! X
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