how to combat the influence of the narcissistic nrp

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  • #64202 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    hello everyone,

    I know this isn’t a psychology forum, but maybe there are other parents out there, who are more advanced in combatting the influence of a narcissistic non-resident parent.

    My problems are in short:

    our son doesn’t respect other people’s boundaries if they are not some kind of authority

    he can’t see any intrinsic value in his fellow human beings, they are either serving a purpose or are “worth” something by status, otherwise they are just “junk”.

    Things are either black or white. It is very hard for him, if not  impossible, to compromise.

    His abilities in being emphatic are poor to non-existing.

    Obviously this is over simplified and exaggerated, as I am combatting this for years now having some success of course, but as he is in secondary school now and social skills become more and more important for him, I am struggling to keep up. I, for myself, do very well with the potential harm, as I have mostly removed his mother from my life and restricted her presence to next to nothing. But that is obviously not an option for our son, when he has to spend time with her. I feel like Hare and Tortoise and just can’t win.

    So, how do you fellow parents get about this problem, or am I the only one having it, in which case it might be mine and not our son’s.

    Thank you

     

    #64207 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    hi,

    I would suggest if your child could seek counselling/therapy. as for ex, don’t think much can be done, and better keeping a distance. you could look up the grey rock method when dealing with ex. be dull and very boring if/when she tries to provoke you, or get reaction out of you.

    #64225 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    Hi Steve,

    as stated, I am doing pretty well. She is almost completely out of my life and as I know, how she works, she has a hard time now, getting any reaction out of me. Even abducting our son over Christmas didn’t get any rage out of me. She is what she is and in the end she was so enraged finally, that I did not respond on a personal level, only through agencies and police and speaking about our son’s welfare, when he had returned she called him A..hole on the phone because she thought it was me, she was talking to. But things like that, when the rage gets the best of her, that is when things kick in for our son, and he falls back to her level. That is why he thinks so badly about other people and why he has such a low self-esteem. He never knows, when disaster strikes next. We have so many agencies involved now, so many people talking to our son, therapy is not, what I am looking for. I am more interested in the tiny steps, the practical ones, to keep our son and myself sane.

    #64324 Report

    LS0001
    Participant

    Hi,

    I literally fear the fact you’ve been dealing with this for years. I am a year in and drained!

    I have read your other forums too. You seem to know the processes quite well?

    #64353 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    22 years now. If I wouldn’t know by now, …. On the upside, what would life be without a challenge? Boring.

    Yes, it is taking me to the limit sometimes, and I have seen the dark side of human behaviour like I never imagined it existed. But I really learned a lot about myself, improved a lot in confidence and patience, and am very clear about how to handle my feelings now. I can honestly say I would never try to do her harm, and she will always be part of the family for me. She is a disabled person in a way. That is what you have to deal with. I think, if she would have a choice, she wouldn’t be like that. But still, I have to set her influence to zero, otherwise she would destroy me without even thinking twice. It is a tight rope to walk on, especially with children.

    If life serves you lemons, then you live in a warm and sunny place ;-).

    #64356 Report

    LS0001
    Participant

    I am so sorry to here this! That’s a life time. I always knew when we split that I wouldn’t be free from the dark side! I have the same feelings, don’t wish him any harm, want him to be the best he can be. However it’s not reality. For me how do you protect you children knowing this? I want my children to have a healthy relationship with their dad. Without me being there as a blaming mechanism when he fails! Is it at all possible to all live healthy? What’s the best way? Sorry for all questions, I know each situation is different but I need real guidance from someone that understand such a person, as you say no harm is meant by them but their actions are harmful all round. I have spoken with sooo many people but no one really understands.

    #64363 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    I managed to detach myself  from her world and her from mine, but as the children are concerned, I have not found a way to really combat her influence. She always finds a rift she can exploit for her means and exert her rule by divide and conquer. I don’t think there is a healthy relationship with a narcissist. It will always be a relationship. The most successful way to heal the damage is patience and honesty. I try to share my experiences with my children in a way they understand. It has proven most effective to share her most obvious grandiosities and lies with them. Show them, that there is basically nothing she holds dear and is really attached to, other than her world, where everyone is just a means to fulfil her ends. This way they have a way to learn not to fear her and see that the emperor is indeed naked. And to make clear, she is limited in her choices and if she could change her behaviour, she probably would. But that needs a lot of consistency, patience and honesty. Laughing about her behaviour together and still being able to say she is a good mother in other ways. She accused me of spellbinding our son and brainwashing him. That is something he finds very funny, and he knows it isn’t true. So we joke about my magic powers, talk about how to make conscious choices and why she might think, he is not able of making them. But I always encourage him to show up at her place, when it is her day. Because that is my choice for him and I respect the fact, she is his mother. One day, he will make his own choices. And I hope these will include her in a loving way.

    #64368 Report

    LS0001
    Participant

    You have no idea how mucb your words have helped me. Thank you for taking the time to explain how you go about dealing with your situation. I live in hope

    #64373 Report

    *deleted user*
    Participant

    Would go with all that Sirtobi has said so far i.e patience and honesty.

    The other bit to go with this is self-care.

    Not necessarily about having bubble baths but something a bit more fundamental which you are already doing in reaching out and talking on here.

    More a focus on the kind of life you would wish to have, for yourself and your kids.

    A difficult one, admittedly as with a narc, it can feel like you are being constantly pulled and pushed by their whims. Also as you’ve described and I’ve also noticed kids sometimes come back with very difficult behaviours – which they have seen used.

    These can be really difficult and sometimes hurtful. Especially since in young adulthood you are the only person they can really push against because they know you will love them regardless.

    Very difficult when the partner plays the disney dad (or mum) – and doesn’t set boundaries properly, or indeed at all. Ultimately means you get to play the ‘bad cop’ more often than you would like. That is what makes it so tiring in my view.

    So well done for posting here.

    #64381 Report

    LS0001
    Participant

    Thank you for your comments. They are all appreciated.

    I have done all the self love and got my children and myself in a really good place. Stable boundaries etc, I work around school and nursery and a great wee routine. If I do say so myself lol.

    I’m trying to find the best way to put a plan in place for children and their dad. If he chooses to let them down, I can compensate for that but there is nothing in place. We were working around his rota on monthly schedule last year. That never worked. I have spoke to mediation who advised we both have to participate. He point blank refuses? He doesn’t need it. What’s next?

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