How much notice should my Ex partner give me for when hes seeing our daughter
6 February 2020 at 6:17 am #36451
I had a nasty separation with my ex partner 6 months ago.
We were together 10 years. We have a daughter aged 9 & I have another son who he bought up from the age of 3.
I found out he was having an affair.
He moved in with this person the same day.
I new the other woman as well as we shared mutual friends.
He is still with her now.
I went onto find out about various other women he had seen throughout our relationship, one being a close friend whom he slept with in our house whilst I was in bed.
I went onto find out he was gambling aswell.
I took it bad and luckily realised I was not myself and got help from my GP.
Fast forward 6 months and they are still making my life hell & this is where I need help and advice.
I have never stopped contact, yes at 1st I didn’t want the new 7woman around our daughter or her going to their house but he went ahead and introduced her anyway after 5 weeks.
The real argument now is he refuses to give me real advanced notice of when he will be having our daughter.
He works funny hours so cant have set days which I totally understand.
He gets his rota a month in advance but he will still only text our daughter (again who is only 9) on a Sunday evening & give her the days for the coming week when he is having her.
I am expected to just say yes thats fine no problem.
If I have plans for us on a day when he wants her or our daughter has made plans with her friends all hell breaks loose.
I am stopping him from seeing his child????
If my daughter is asked to a party or she is asked if she would like to join a friend on an activity after he has given his days again all hell breaks loose.
He says they are his days & we are expected to stick to them.
Its like we have to plan our lives week by week based on his said contact days and we aren’t allowed to join in any last minute plans with friends or family.
Sometimes on a Sunday night he can say he wants her Monday.
It’s less than 24 hours notice.
I’ve lost count of the number of arguments we have had about it.
Hes taking me to court & stopping maintenance are the usual stuff I get.
He says I should make our daughter go to him and I should say no to any last min plans even if it’s our daughter asking can she do them.
She is now getting upset about it all aswell as he is nasty to her aswell saying he must go to his and as mum made the plans, has mum told you to say you dont want to come.
It’s got to the point where I feel like he his control & I’ve no life anymore.
He has had zero contact with my son either since he left even tho he called him son.
I no nothing can be done about that but its awful to see my son affected by this aswell.
I just want people’s advice on how much notice you think is appropriate for him to give me and if I’m unreasonable for telling him that she does not want to go on some of her days because she wants to do something else like go the zoo or a sleepover with her friends.
Any advice would be appreciated6 February 2020 at 1:41 pm #36461
Personally I think if he gets his Rotas a month in advance then contact should be set then.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all! And from your post you obviously have your child’s interest in mind before your own.
I Would suggest getting some form of help to sort this out, family member or mediation, as it sounds to me like he’s playing you and using emotional abuse whenever you try to resolve the issue in you child’s best interests.
I’d also contact a helpline and talk it through with them, they will be able to give you some sound advice.
xx6 February 2020 at 7:45 pm #36468
Make a record of all the arrangements he tries to make for the next month. Save all the texts he sends.
then let him take you to court. The court will tell him to agree days, on the day he gets his rota, and that no, he can’t just expect you to drop everything you have planned and do his bidding.
What happens if you tell him in advance that there is a birthday party planned? Perhaps that is the way forward. When you book something, put it in an on-line Google calendar that he has access to. Then if he wants you to change, say no, you have already booked that day.
Agree with Lulu, try the Gingerbread hotline for some advice. See what they say.