How do you start again?

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Kathymumofone 2 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #32288 Report

    WhiteFlag19
    Participant

    Hi everyone, my names Rebecca. I’m 27 years old and have 2 children aged 9 and 7. I met my now ex and father of my children at age 16. We went on to have 2 children together, live together, be at total ease with each others families etc. He is the only person I’ve ever been with…. if you know what I mean. Things went well until about 4 years ago when he decided to leave because he was unhappy – it was news to me. After about 2 weeks he sat me down and explained that love was never a problem just he was struggling with the pressure of work and home life etc and his head wasn’t with it and that leaving had been a huge mistake. We slowly worked through it and he came back, he told me that he was so angry at himself for those wasted few weeks apart, that he loved me with all his heart and the only way anything like that would ever happen again would be if I ended it because he was certain he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Things we do good until about October 9th of this year. I noticed he was being a little distant and seemed unhappy but he had massive work stressed and kept saying it was that. I came home from our daughters parents evening on the 14th October and he came home from work and he sat me down and told me that he didn’t think we should be together anymore, that he hasn’t loved me for about 2 years and that he’s 27 and just wants to be happy and put himself first for once after years of putting everyone else first, he said it’s not like last time and his head is clear and that he’s fully over me because he’s felt this way for so long and wants me to move on and be happy and that he won’t be jealous. He said that we went 300mph from the age of 16 and that it was never going to end any differently. Weeks before he left he was warning me off certain people in our work place because they were serial flirts and marriage wreckers and he didn’t want them anywhere near me (extremely jealous, almost childish). We took out joint isa’s to buy a home together in the future and talked about marriage and then he tells me he hasn’t loved me for 2 years just days later? He’s cancelled our children’s holiday (they’ve never been abroad this was to be the first time) so that he can sleep on his dads sofa and save cash for a place of his own. He’s been cruel and said things like “I haven’t changed, it’s not the lifestyle that was the problem it was the relationship I was in, I don’t know why you’re assuming there has to be another woman just because I don’t want you. He messaged someone he used to work with a week after he left because he says he thought I was but that they didn’t speak in “that” way. He has told me that he feels happier and healthier since he left and that people are saying how he looks like he’s got a spring in his step. He’s said that we outgrew each other and that he simply fell out of love. I’m now 27 and single for the first time since being a child, we’ve shared a bed every night from the age of 16. I don’t have many friends as I’m a massive introvert and they all drifted away over the years. I have been left in the run down family home with 2 young children, 3 cats and 2 dogs that we took on together. He gives me £50 a week maintenance and he sees the children every other day or so but even seems a bit flaky with them and he has always been incredibly hands on and more like an extra mum than a dad. He’s going out with his friends that he never bothered to speak to when we were together, he’s throwing cash at his cars and buying new clothes and I just don’t know where to begin. I’m walking around close to tears all the time, I feel hideous and lonely. I’m functioning on auto pilot and I can’t see myself feeling better any time soon. Sorry for the long post but I’m just so lost, the rug has well and truly been pulled from under my feet and I don’t know where to begin rebuilding my life. Thank in advance x

    #32290 Report

    Kath
    Participant

    Well yippee for him feeling happier and healthier while leaving others feeling unhappy.

    Things can get better for you if you get some control back, at the mo he has all the control.

    There are a couple of things that jump out to me in your post.

    He comes to see your children just about every other day in your house. I think, for your best interest this needs to stop. I’m not saying don’t let him see the children, just not in your house. Let him make other arrangements to spend time with your children outside of your house. It can’t be good for you to have him in your house often, it will be like a reminder of what no longer is. It must be very confusing for you. As he has left the family home he no longer needs a key so if he has a key he must give it back to you, it’s not his home anymore so he doesn’t need a key to the front door.

    It seems like you work at the same place? Could you take some time off work or find another job maybe?

    Once he has had enough of his adolescent phase of cars and throwing cash around he may change his mind again and decide you are the one for him afteral, what you do with that is upto you but you would need to bear in mind your experiences  and would it be worth it.

    £50 per week isn’t enough to help support the children. You will prob know how much he earns so find out just how much he should be contributing financially towards his children.

    You don’t sound like you like living in your house ‘run down’ Could you find another home for you and your children, one that is in a better condition? If you do you do not need to involve your ex in the decision. It’s your life and you make the choices that are best for you.

    The hypocrisy of him calling other people marriage wreckers is beyound belief.

    Things will get better for you, this I promise, but it will be up to you to make better things happen xx

     

    #32333 Report

    Kellyjay
    Participant

    Hit the nail on the head Kath.

    Give him what he wants sweetie single life and full responsibility for being a parent ☺.

    Get him out of the house, foot down and bounderies set. Who knows you may like being single. All or nothing xx

    #32342 Report

    EmmaJ84
    Participant

    First of all I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. I’m in a similar situation myself and unfortunately I understand only too well the pain you’re experiencing.

    I don’t really have any advice, just wanted to reach out let you know you’re not on your own in your pain, and I’m hoping it gets easier in time for both of us x

    #32356 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    Hi Rebecca,

    when I was in your position, I holed up for a few weeks. It took me that long to get used to sleeping on my own, reorganising the house so there weren’t any gaps, and reassuring my son. We sort of adapted over a couple of weeks, created a new routine, who made breakfast, what radio station was on, what we had for supper since my ex was no longer in the house.

    It takes time. Don’t rush yourself.  Find all the little silver linings like no bristles in the wash basin or no grumpy hang over man.  Let your kids get used to the new normal. Stay calm, cuddle your kids and indulge in warm baths, early nights, generally look after yourself.

    You will feel better, stronger, in a week or two and then you can start to rebuild. I don’t mean the hurt will go away but you’ll get your balance back and things will get easier.  Be kind to yourself x

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