How do you get out of the fairytale trap?

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  • #42135 Report

    Hi,

    I was wondering how people over come chasing the fairytale that I come to believe doesn’t essist.

    As I feel this is were I am going wrong, I want to restore what has been taken away through emotional rupture and become the person I once was.

    I blew caution in the wind and went on a dating site and this week I went on my first date, having seperated from my partner 11months, I felt a spring in my step that I hadn’t felt for a long while.

    Having been on the date, I felt completely deflated however as having completely contradicted everything that he had said, I came away feeling used for another ego boost 🙁

     

     

     

     

    #42145 Report

    Dongo
    Participant

    It’s onE date you can’t except him to be mr right. I respect you for the time In how long you left before the date.

    dont bet all of it on one date. Your going to have to put up with a lot of people like that .

    #42149 Report

    Lorraine123
    Participant

    I think there’s a lot of people on dating sites that aren’t really looking for a relationship but also there’s some good honest people out there, you just need to find the right ones.

    #42150 Report

    Jsmoove
    Participant

    I agree with the above,a lot of people on dating sites are on there for an ego boost,and the genuine people looking to meet that special someone don’t stand a chance,it was your first date,u can’t expect to much from it,put it down as an experience and move on to the next date with someone else and see how that goes,the dating site I’m on is average as soon as I get talking to someone I mention I have kids and I don’t here from them after even tho my profile says I am a father.

    #42164 Report

    Thank you all, appreciate your responses.

    I get annoyed with myself as I feel by now I should know better if it sounds too good to be true then clearly it is!

    I just want to restore my faith and self esteem.

    My ex has narcissistic traits and porn addiction amongst other things and all my life I’ve been drawn to these men that have issues :(im not saying I’m perfect by any stretch but I just in the short of it, want to find someone who actually feels the same way as I do about them and enhance my life not make it hell, I just didn’t comprehend it to be this difficult and couldn’t put myself through another toxic relationship.

    I’m struggling to get my head round the porn thing too as can’t help feel cheated, I felt pressured to look like a fake and I just want to be loved for me but now I don’t know what to think

     

    #42165 Report

    yeahitsmilo
    Participant

    I hope I’m not prying but did you ever speak to him about his addiction? I wonder if something triggered it or if he even acknowledged it?  I have a friend who once admit to me he watched it very regularly and to be honest I never understood why as he was seemingly in a great relationship (and still is). I think it can really warp your idea of sex and body image for sure (regarding both genders).

    #42182 Report

    Hi yeahitsmilo

    Thankyou for your message, i did organise couple counselling which he did attend a couple of times until she was starting to get to the nitty gritty and then he refused to go saying she wasn’t any good, I continued to go for a while out of desperation to make me feel better and to try save what was lost at this time I was also pregnant ironically ha! but the counsellor said there wasn’t any point me continuing as it was clear that he wasn’t willing to change his ways, my feeling is he has used it as a way of dealing with stress amongst other things ego and he had mentioned before he was with a woman that he didn’t fancy and she made him do things he didn’t want to do so I don’t know wether he has been abused in the past or wether he has issues with his sexaulity again I had tried to talk about this but he said he didn’t have any problem, he also had a very hard up bringing which again I don’t really know the ins and outs, he said he had more or less brought himself up on the streets as his mum was at work all day as she was a single parent and his dad did nt have the time of day, his mum had also been in an abusive relationship with his dad, which he had witnessed and again perhaps just telling me a snippet of what he had been through.

    It does concern me a little as we have got a son together and so it does make you wonder what has actually happened in his life for him to behave in such a way, if it wasn’t the porn he’d move onto video games or obsessive with the gym, before I met him he had alcohol issues which he has since squashed but will replace that with something else, when we seperated he refused to leave the family home and so myself and my son had to find a place of our own, when I was packing our stuff, I found a loft full of clothes that he had bought for himself and just hid.

    It’s very sad, being an empath I did try to get to the bottom of it for both our sakes but it has left me in tatters, it’s been really hard to try rebuild myself again especially when he is the father of our son and he continues to play games and manipulate my feelings still controlling by seeing our son when it suits him, it is so mentally draining.

    My son is my biggest asset and for that I am greatful and hence forth why I want to be the best version of myself for him.

    Sorry for the long winded message.

    Thoughts welcomed.

     

    #42187 Report

    yeahitsmilo
    Participant

    Hi Sunshine After A Rainy Day

    That’s a tough one for sure. I think people often saying something along the lines that if you’re not ready for counselling or therapy it won’t do you much good. Unfortunately it sounds like your parter wasn’t ready or prepared to open up about things – it must be frustrating. Maybe he was afraid about opening up once your councillor started getting deeper. It sounds like he had a difficult childhood, I guess that could be a factor but obviously I don’t know the situation well enough to comment. Hopefully at some point in the future he will be in a position where counselling will work for him.

    Best of luck with the dating. Try not to get disheartened by one bad date, I like to think there are some good guys out there looking for the same thing as you. The advice I was given by a friend recently was that you have to accept that if you do online dating you are going to have some bad dates and just accept that and enjoy them for what they are. It sounds easier said than done. My relationship with the mother of my two kids ended about a year ago and I’ve still not started dating yet or thinking about it honestly, so you’re doing better than me.

     

    #42190 Report

    Thankyou yeahitsmilo, it s reassuring to know there are some nice men out there like yourself.

    I think the best thing I have done is found this website as I feel now It is clear I am not ready for dating and I need to find myself again.

    Do you mind me asking what happened in your relationship?

    #42194 Report

    yeahitsmilo
    Participant

    I don’t mind at all, although it is kind of a long story. After the birth of our youngest daughter about 2 years ago now, the girls’ mum (and my ex wife) became very depressed and was finding things very difficult. She had always really wanted children but things just kind of started going downhill after the birth of our youngest. I know postnatal depression is a really serious thing and that is obviously what she had/has. We both tried really hard to work on it but ultimately I think our relationship just kind of broke down because of it all. In the end she was offered a great job in the US (which is where she is originally from) and she decided to take it. That was about a year ago now. We are still in contact and she speaks with the girls on Skype a few times a week. She was due to visit this summer but now with the whole Covid-19 pandemic things are on hold at the moment.

    Despite everything it still came as a big shock when our relationship ended and it’s been hard adjusting at times. I’m still pretty young (26) and I suddenly realised that although I have a great support network with my family I suddenly had nothing in common with my old friends and simply no time to socialise even if I wanted to. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs obviously but I’m trying to stay positive about everything. I imagine it must be the same for you. I think trying to find yourself makes total sense. I’m trying to do the same myself although I have to fight off wanting to rush things too sometimes!

    #42195 Report

    Oh wow, you are doing amazingly job,it isn’t easy by any stretch especially when the other parent is nt around, I’m glad to hear you have a good support group as that is a god send. 26 is a great age, you have time and you sound as if you have a got a good head on your shoulders, so feel sure you will have better luck in the future, you also have the advantage of being a young parent, which I think if I knew what I know now I perhaps would have wanted children earlier. 

    I’m 38 hence why a slight panic in the field as you are also in the dark as to wether you might want more children or not and will not be an option for much longer but I guess our future is already mapped out anyway, so will except my journey.

    Since my separation and even this covid situation it is clear who will stick by you, through these hard times.

    Feel free to PM anytime, if you need a friendly ear. Take care

    #42200 Report

    yeahitsmilo
    Participant

    Hey thanks so much, I really appreciate it. Honestly, I never imagined having children at this age but I wouldn’t change it now that I have the girls. I can understand you must feel kind of panicked. Even though I am in a totally different situation I sometimes feel like I should try and rush things (on lots of difference fronts) as I occasionally feel like my life is slipping away! I can image that the lockdown has made dating a bit harder short term as everyone has been stuck inside not doing anything for months now. Hopefully things will improve over the summer on that front.

    #42206 Report

    Liane
    Participant

    @sunshineafterarainyday

    Meditation….

    It teaches you to focus on something else.

     

     

    #42214 Report

    Thank you Liane, Im must try it!

     

    #42276 Report

    Soniah19
    Participant

    Don’t stop chasing the fairytale! However that might look, it doesn’t have to be a perfect life with a handsome prince! ( though it’s ok to still want that) I know I do at some point !

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)

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