How do you cope with it all?

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  • #10598 Report


    Hi all, first post on somewhere like this. I split up with my ex of 20 years nearly 2 years ago now. I have our two kid (11 and 13) 95% of the time.

    Ex lives less than 2 miles away in a caravan, is a prolific cocaine user. Prone to outburst, sometimes violent.

    He doesn’t contribute emotionally, financially, educational, well at all to their lives. But I want to keep an avenue open with him even though he doesn’t seem to want to be a part of the kids lives. 13 year old refuses to see him at the moment.

    I’m struggling with getting my head around how someone can change so much. How a joint decision to have children has resulted in me being prettt much sole carer, plus working full time. I’ve sunk into a bit of a pit of depression and negative thoughts which really aren’t doing me any favours. My daughter printed me a picture today which says ‘smile’ broke my heart that she felt the need to do that.

    How do you guys get yourselves out of the hole of despair? How do you get over these negative thoughts?

    Thank you for listening 🙂

    #10602 Report


    Talking it through with people, sometimes “strangers” anonymously, because friends and relatives can get bored of hearing it, and you hear the same replies after a while. That’s how this forum can be useful. It’s always one day at a time. Maybe think of something to do at the weekend that’s out of routine. To have something different for you all to look forward to as a family. Even just a simple thing. It’s like climbing a mountain – you need crampons sometimes to help you get a grip.

    All the best.

    #10604 Report


    Hi Its hard that the person you loved no longer is someone you know. In my case we were together 28 years, had five children, then a few weeks ago she left us for a 21 year old who she works with. Her behaviour since has left a lot to be desired, leaving the children and  me thinking we don’t  know her anymore.To make it worse it was my eldest sons friend, hes taken it really bad  and has needed professional help.

    I  don’t know how I got through the first weeks, the only thing that kept me going were the children. Its only natural to think  negative thoughts, but I realised that it was making me  feel worse, so thought shes made her decision I cant change it, but I can put it behind me. Its  hard some days but look for positives, you are building memories with your children that they don’t see, your children when they are older will know you did your best for them.

    Try and make a little time for you, easier said than done, a new hobby, keeping a journal of how you feel,  coffee with a friend, just try and do one positive thing a day for a start.

    For me  now, the relationship ive got with my children has got so much stronger, ive made new friends, and am starting to enjoy life again.

    If you ever need to talk  I’m happy for you to message me.

    Take care


    #10605 Report



    Have you been to see your GP? I’m not thinking anti-depressants though they do help some people, more that they may be able to point you in the direction of a few sessions of counselling on the NHS. It’s helped me and given me a few tactics for dealing with my anger towards my ex.

    Have you tried writing down how you feel? Maybe for just  5 minutes a couple of times a week, write down how you feel about the situation, your ex etc and then write down a few positives of the day / week (‘got out for a walk/had coffee with a friend etc etc). Look back occasionally and you’ll see that things do change.

    I’ve had depression on and off for years – it started as post-natal depression which morphed into ‘normal’ depression, not helped by a series of major life events culminating this last year in my husband having an affair and walking out. The depression descended with a crash and still comes and goes but I’m now, 6 months after he left, more hopeful and positive about the future than I’ve been in years.

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