How do you adjust to being single?

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This topic contains 45 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by  Alan1 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 46 total)
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  • #23459 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    There does cone a point where rose tinted glasses are removed and you see your past relationship for what it really was.  Sometimes it’s after moving on to another relationship but sometimes it’s even just making a new friend who treats you the way you should and it raises the bar of your expectations for not only relationships but friendship or companionship in general.

    Being single doesn’t have to be alone.  And being single is a whole lot better than being in the wrong relationship as it can damage you and more importantly the relationship itself can have a negative impact on your kids.  For those that are bereaved of course this is very different and you can’t compare at all.

    In other cases it is possible and best to see single life as a positive move and an opportunity to begin again but wiser from experience.  You know what you will and won’t accept…you know what your expectations are, what you want from life and you are the one who can make that happen.  If you don’t know those things this is the time to do it but also it’s important to use this time to establish those things before moving on.  You are mothers and fathers…but independently of that role who are you?  That’s an important part of moving on.  Finding happiness that independent of someone else.  When you find that it makes you much stronger and better able to move on independently.  When the time comes if you meet someone new it also makes for a stronger relationship as you will have become a stronger person.

    Adjusting takes time… but once you get past the feelings of self criticism or fault searching or regret and re-running the past over and over again…you get to a stage where you are just so excited about how great a future you can build.  You just have to get to a point where you can imagine it.

    Three years ago I couldn’t even imagine it.

    I eventually began to see it.

    Now I’m building it.

    Don’t give up.

    #23475 Report

    Sylvia38
    Participant

    Hi Kanger1 and Gamerdad

    Your totally right the sun brings all the couples out there everywhere like bees or wasps.Its really hard adjusting when you’ve been part of that for so long.You sound like your doing fab so keep up the good work!

    I feel for you gamerdad and all I can say is hang on in!Its got to get easier every Day x

    #23476 Report

    Sylvia38
    Participant

    WelshDad

    Thats beautifully written and makes sense.

    I’m going to try and stay positive although it’s hard cause I’d like to believe what you said.

    Im lucky I have Fantastic  friends and I know I’m luckier than some x

    #23583 Report

    Alan1
    Participant

    Hi

    I have no idea how you adjust to being single as my wife left Jan 4th 2019 – i really struggle being on my own and am going to doctors as i need help.

    The problem for me is that its a struggle to get out of bed so i assume i’m basically depressed/ grieving.

    I don’t have many friends so seem to date a bit but i know that is meaningless and just papering over the loneliness.

    Its been over 4 months for me but i just cant see myself feeling better??

    #23588 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    Alan I promise you it does get better but the only way out is through.  I would avoid dating as a means of company do soon after as it can leave you with many peaks and troughs especially if you have had your confidence knocked and have few friends.  Focus on finding out who your real friends are and build up a solid support network as you are going to need it.  Try not to spend too much time alone but make the time you spend with people focusing on finding yourself and happiness independently of being in a relationship.

    It’s very tempting to have that temporary boost as you say but if you are feeling depressed it is counter productive and worsens it and can affect your relationships moving forward.  Get yourself to a good place first so that any dating will be a positive experience not association with bad or regretful encounters.

    Definitely go see your GP if you haven’t already.  There is also support from the charity Mind.  There are some links on the Gingerbread main page.

    You will get through this.

    Stay strong.

    #23589 Report

    MarkHB
    Participant

    Welshdad those are amazing words that I needed to hear as well today so thank you.

     

    Stay strong everyone and value yourselves.

    #23604 Report

    Alan1
    Participant

    Good comments and i know your right – i actually spoke to Mind today as i self referred myself.

    I wish finding a group of supportive friends was easier lol

    #23612 Report

    Sylvia38
    Participant

    I think we are all in the same boat so to speak.We all will handle things differently and have different takes on things.

    I think we have to take small steps and take each Day as it comes.Its all new and scary and different but time stands still for none of us so we just have to get on as best we can.

    just think we’ve nearly got through another Day x

    #23801 Report

    Iand
    Participant

    I have been single now for five years and if it helps anyone it sometimes has its advantages. Afterwards you have realize that you can be happy on your own and have lots of time to spend with your children. The thing is miss sometimes is having someone to talk to, but there are lots of friends to help with that. I won’t say that I never want to meet someone else, but after a while I have realized there is no rush to do so.

    #23848 Report

    Sylvia38
    Participant

    Hi Land

    i wish I could fast forward.

    Thank You tho it does give you hope reading messages like yours

    #23852 Report

    jean Jeanie
    Participant

    I’ve spilt up from my husband 6 weeks ago, I’m finding it very hard because after 23 years he’s just turned around to me and said he’s leaving, I don’t understand why, he  says he doesn’t want to try either, I just keep crying all the time

    #23856 Report

    Iand
    Participant

    After a while things definitely get better. You realize you can be happy with yourself. You get to understand the things that you like to do. You also start to realize the things that our partners used to do which were not so nice without us really being aware of it all of the time. It sounds corny, but you will realize that you don’t have to be with some else, but can be if you want to.

    #23879 Report

    Sylvia38
    Participant

    Hi Jean

    I totally understand how you feel.

    You just have to try and be brave.I had a bad Day yesterday but you have to try and look after yourself.I hope you have a better Day Today x

    #23947 Report

    jean Jeanie
    Participant

    I’m trying not to text or contact him, but it’s so hard, we talked every day for 23 years now this!! The nights are the worse when my boys go to bed, my Mind starts going over things and if I haven’t a answer I’ll rip that question apart!! Thing is my ex isn’t answering my question he just says he has no answers!! I thought we were happy and for him to up and leave is the not understanding especially when he says he doesn’t know, so you’d think we would try and have a go surely??? 😔

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by  jean Jeanie.
    #23949 Report

    GirlFriday
    Participant

    Hi Jean, it was the same for me.. 23 years together just wiped away in an instant. He put all the blame on me & in my head I took it for a long time & it still makes me insecure even now after 8 months apart.. Turns out after many denials there was someone else, I hope that’s not the same for you & he is prepared to talk things thru. My girls don’t see their dad at the moment but that’s their choice (almost 15&20) he has said some very hurtful things to both of them. I am lucky I have them both to lean on & me n youngest DD looking forward to getting into our new home, we had to sell the beautiful marital one. Go to the docs if you need to mine were brill but ultimately it’s my girls that give me a reason to get up in the morning & make it thru another day.

    x

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