Hit Rock Bottom :(
- This topic has 1 reply, 2 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 9 months ago by Aldmi.
29 July 2019 at 1:30 pm #28479
I apologise in advance for such a long post that might sound rambling at times. I’ve got so much going around my head I just need to get it off my chest. I haven’t included everything but you will get the picture
<br style=”box-sizing: border-box;” />I met my ex-wife (will call G) in 2010. At the time I was living in XXXX and she was living in XXXX. She had a 2-year-old daughter (will call B) from a previous relationship. She told me that this relationship had been abusive, and B was the result of him raping her before he got sent to prison. Due to this B had never met her Dad and would never do so. After about 2 weeks of me traveling to see her she said she was fed up of living in a grotty council flat and was relocating to XXXX. A couple of weeks later me and my family helped her move to XXXX. In the first couple of weeks of her living here I would spend evenings there and then go back to my flat as I still had a 8 month rental contract on it. However, after a couple of weeks she started sending me videos of B crying and said this is what happens when I leave and that I should move in. So that’s what I did and was made up as all I’ve ever wanted in life was a happy relationship and my own family<br style=”box-sizing: border-box;” />A year after that she told me she was coming off the injection and going on the pill and then a couple of months after that. Got a text at work to say she had been forgetting to take them and was now pregnant. It was a shock, but I was happy to add someone else to the family.
<br style=”box-sizing: border-box;” />During her whole pregnancy she chose not work. As I was working, I paid the rent and all bills and she said she would pay any nursery costs for B with her benefits. She was sending B to nursery full 5 days a week which I didn’t think she needed to. Eventually I found out that she hadn’t been paying ht fees and now was in arrears by a couple of thousand pounds. I took out a credit card and paid it off.<br style=”box-sizing: border-box;” />Life was going fine and number 2 arrived (will call C), moved to a bigger house, I got a new job and things were going well. In the whole time we were together I’d never met or spoken to any of G family. But she would keep telling me that she spoke to her grandparents on the phone and didn’t have any or want any contact with her other family. In 2015 shortly after C was born. She suddenly started saying that her grandparents were going to disown her as she had a child out or marriage and as they were catholic they weren’t happy. I thought I was doing the right thing and proposed to her and we got married in 2016 (her grandparents didn’t come). Not long after got married things turned sour when wife got a new job in a care home. It started off as a part time job 2 days a week, but she soon started doing shifts that were 7am-10pm sometimes 6 days a week. This started putting a massive strain on me because I work full time and meant I was rushing girls to childminders in the morning, going to work, picking them up, feeding them tea and then taking eldest to different clubs etc.
She eventually cut back a bit on work but even on her days off insisted on sending the both girls to the childminding so she could ‘rest’ and do things she wanted to on her own. I did point out and had arguments about me not getting any chance to have a rest from everything and that it was costing a fortune sending them both to a childminder when she was at home but went along with it. Again, it was agreed that I would pay the rent, bills etc and she would pay the childcare with her wage and benefits. And as before I found out she hadn’t been paying them and the childminder told me she was going to take us to small claims unless it was paid, I again took out a credit card to pay it off.
It got to the point that I realised that I was suffering depression abut didn’t want to go to doctors as I couldn’t understand how I could be depressed when I have everything I have ever wanted in life and felt ashamed to admit I. I kept telling her she had to stop putting work first (an example been one day the school rang to say R was sick could someone pick her up, my wife works round the corner from the school and said she couldn’t so I left work and drove 45 minutes back to pick her up, this has happened a few times from either the school/childminder and always me or my mum who has to pick them up, she refuses to leave work even though she is in the village)
One day I was at work and realised I had forgotten some paperwork. Wife was off and had said she was going out with a female friend from work that day (children at school/childminders again on a day off). I text her to say I was coming home and might be cheeky and stay home to have some time with her. Normally she is always telling me to throw sickies so we can go out, but this time she got really defensive and said the paperwork wasn’t at home stay at work! I didn’t really think anything of it at the time. When I got home at normal time she was home so I went to get the girls from the childminder. When I was there the childminder said ‘oh who was * going out with today? I saw them on our walk, he had really nice car’. This set alarm bells off as she had told me she was going out with a female friend; I didn’t say anything to her but had a massive panic attack that night. This convinced me to go to the drs and say I thought I had depression and was having panic attacks and was prescribed meds for it
Things got worse at home with her saying I was a nightmare and constantly threating to leave unless I changed and quick. I kept saying I needed support and time for the tablets to work and could she not go to work as much (as much as 6 days in a row). On a couple of evenings she wasn’t working she said she was going out with the same female friend again at the instead if picking her up from our house she was meeting her round the corner. At the time I thought this was a bit odd especially after the previous incident. A few of weeks ago we had a really productive chat, she said she had got to the point of looking for houses for her and the girls, what benefits she would be entitled to etc. After some begging she said she would give me one more chance to get myself sorted.
One weekend said she was covering some shifts at another care home and would be sleeping over. This was the first time in the job she had been sleeping and she had never mentioned it before. Whilst at work in the she was texting throughout the day, however when it got to 10PM when her shift had finished she told me that there was no signal in the sleep room so wouldn’t hear from her until the morning.<br style=”box-sizing: border-box;” />A couple of weeks after this I answered a phone call on the house from a customer advisor from premier inn wanting to speak to her to get some feedback on her recent stay for 2 adults. Curious and already suspecting something I asked to check the name of the other guest and was given the name of one of her male work colleagues.
<br style=”box-sizing: border-box;” />That evening I asked her if she had anything to tell me, which she replied she did not. When I explained that I had spoken to someone from the premier inn about her recent stay. She pulled the blanket over her head and began to cry. I asked her if she wanted to be with me and if she loved me and she replied that she did, and it had been a mistake. I forgave her and said we would move on and be stronger from it.
<br style=”box-sizing: border-box;” />In 2017 she started working at a care home in which was a 50-mile round trip from our home. This meant I would be taking her to work and picking her up at 9pm at least 3 times a week. <br style=”box-sizing: border-box;” />She gradually started working more and more overtime and would quite often be away from home for 5 or 6 days and then sleeping or resting on her day off. During this time, it put me under increasing pressure as I also had to work, run the house and look after the children so was very much doing everything as a single parent. Again it was agreed that I would pay the rent, bills etc and she would pay the childcare with her wage and benefits. And again she didn’t and I had to take out a 3rd credit card to pay it off.
In March 2018 as I got to work she text me to say she was leaving, and I needed to decide when I wanted to see the children. I had for a few weeks suspected that she was having another affair as she was following the same patterns as she had the previous year, she denied this. We split up and I said I would like to see both girls and would treat B exactly the same as my own. It became apparent on picking the children up the first weekend that she moved in with another man and this was one of her work colleagues who I had suspected she was having an affair with. When she moved she also said that as I wasn’t B biological dad I was not allowed to see her at school for events like sports day or be involved in anything with her other then the weekend visits.
In July 2018 this gentleman messaged me on Facebook as he said he was fed up of her was telling him about me and the children. In these messages he stated amongst other things that she had told we had split up in January and were already divorced. He also stated that they had been sleeping with each other since February. He also said that she had told him I used to abuse her and the girls. And that I had contacted B dad to come and rape her.<br style=”box-sizing: border-box;” />In September 2018 her best friend messaged me to say they and their partner were also fed up of her. They also listed the serious lies she was telling people about me and that they were disgusted with the way she had treated me.
All 3 of the people who contacted me stated that they would be willing to give statements that she had been having an affair and that she had told numerous lies about myself and the children.<br style=”box-sizing: border-box;” />This lies, and accusations resulted in me having to contact the police who felt that as several people who did not me had gone to the effort of contacting me that this would be classed as harassment and are now investigating. They spoke to her and said it had to stop. The file was also passed over to social services as some of the lies were about both children. One of which was that whilst we were together B was in hospital having a stomer bag fitted and that I had refused to take G to the hospital to see her so she was all on her own. Around this time it also transpired that she hadn’t told the benefits department that she wasn’t living with me anymore. I stupidly thought she would have told them but clearly not. The wrote to me and said I should have told them and that it was still a joint claim I would be liable for 50 % of any overpayment. When they were investigating it also turned out that she hadn’t given them her proper wages and the overpayment for £5000 of which I have had to start paying back half of.
He moved out shortly afterwards and since then she has gone through a number of blokes. In May she text me out the blue and said that B would no longer be coming on a weekend and I or any of my family should not contact her. This really hurt me as Ive always been her dad and also as she only has my family and is a big part of it.
Its been so hard to take but I have just put all the attention on C. I’ve still kept all of Bs things I have and sent her birthday presents when it was her birthday.
However this week has been the kicker and why I feel ive hit rock bottom. She text me Saturday morning and said her and her boyfriend (been together 2 months). Couldn’t afford to live in XXXX any more and will be moving to XXXX in the next few weeks as its cheaper and its where his kids live.
I’ve been heartbroken all weekend, to me it seems she is just moving in with someone who has only been in the girls lives a short while and uprooting them to make life easier for her and him. B will be starting year 5 in September and this will be her 4th primary school and C is due to start school and had all her settling in days and now going somewhere completely new. <br style=”box-sizing: border-box;” />She has said I will need to arrange to collect C as a I do now, but the pickup will go from 10 miles/15 minutes. To 50 miles/over an hour drive. She has said she might occasionally be able to get her BF to meet half way but wasn’t sure.
I feel I’ve hit rock bottom and working out costings its going to be so expensive now. Although I knew she would move in with someone eventually the fact she seems to be rushing into it and almost wanting to start a new life and cut me out of the girls lives makes it hurt even more.