High functioning? Help required……

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  • #22791 Report


    I am still with my partner, we are not officially separated, I have been sleeping on sofa for nearly two years and business as normal, we have talked about separation several times quite logically over the last decade after being together 14 years as very different and as we do want what’s best for us and our daughter but we have always found a way back to each other through talking. We can no longer talk, we only argue, shout, scream, or as of a few months ago just ignore each other, there is no common ground and it breaks my heart. I really need to talk and have no one to speak to, if I decide me and my daughter can have a better life without my other half I am not sure I am strong enough to make this happen and I constantly wobble but the thought of her now as a teenage girl ending up with someone like her Dad scares the crap out of me, she deserves so much more. I am a workaholic I have had to be the main wage earner, I am the fixer, the bill payer, the counsellor, the evening chef, the cleaner, the pragmatist, the home work police. I am two parents in one, I am a bloody martyr, when I am not this I am tearful, tired and bitter. I could be all the good stuff if I tried but what if I struggle? What if I fail? I’m looking for advice from people in same circumstance, I could be so much better together with him, I could be so much better alone. I fear my other half is going through some kind of existential crisis, he has found faith through YouTube and has spent the best part of the last two years alone in his study finding other people he self identifies with, in the meantime I work 12 hour days to pay the bills, I cook the dinner every night at 7pm though he finishes work at 3pm, he still earns just above minimum wage despite working for co for 20 years at 45 and I do not want to break him and judge him but he judges my hard work and gain as my submission for the 1% club and would prefer I earned no money and we lived with less. I am high spectrum, learned social experiences, problem based scenario thinker, my other half is high spectrum creative can play audio by ear instrument. We are lucky to have the talents we have, in our 20’s we were joined by our unique unappreciated talents but now we are grown up the only thing that is important is our daughter and I feel I am turning into a really bad person for her to follow. I could be so much more alone or with the right support, or could I? So confused

    #22792 Report


    I just had to share with someone as so lonely, no offence taken if wrong forum

    #22796 Report


    I think, after 2 years or trying, you should, at least try separating. You both need some space. And that environment is not good for your daughter.  Can your other half go live with his parents for a while, to see if that works better?

    Rather than planning a holiday this year, plan the move. Use the money and the time to get sorted. You’ve talked about a split so your oh might accept it calmly although it doesn’t sound like he’ll do anything about it, so you’ll have to make the decision for him. I suspect that’s not new.


    #22900 Report


    Hi Kat, I’ve PM’d you but I must agree with Kathy, to plan a holiday right now is probably not going to help.  There is nothing worse than being away on holiday where you can’t get away from each other if you need to and your daughter will definitely know things aren’t right.  Definitely better to try to get space and use the time to try to find some kind of way forward with the situation one way or another.  Do hope things start getting better for you soon.

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