Hi new here, lonely & troubled
25 April 2019 at 1:17 pm #24140
Hi I’m a single mum to four children 3 boys (16, 14, 11) from my marriage and a girl (2) from a second failed long term relationship. I have been struggling to rebuild my life since my last relationship ended. I moved to a neighbouring town and started work here. My daughter goes to the local nursery but I feel isolated and lonely at times. My local friends don’t have children and I have struggled to form friendships with other mums so far, they are more acquaintances I see at nursery in passing.
I am also currently going through mediation with the father of my daughter with regards to his access. He has a manipulative and controlling personality and I get overwhelmed, stressed and anxious when in communication with him. Ideally for my own wellbeing I would cut him off and not have to communicate with him, but because of our daughter this is not possible. However, I do try to set boundaries with him but he has quite a toxic and overpowering personality, which I am struggling with. He likes to make me feel inferior and without sounding paranoid I feel he always wants to compete and win over me. I feel I will never be rid of his presence in my life because of our daughter. I don’t know how I can cope with this or handle it for the good of everyone. Mediation is so expensive that I can’t afford too many sessions either.
Does anyone have any advice or tips on either of these topics? Many thanks xxx25 April 2019 at 2:57 pm #24145
Hi, sorry to read about your troubles, rebuilding again is bound to be hard but I’m sure with time you will gain more friends.
Quite a number of years ago when my boys mum and I split things got quite difficult at times, when that happened I stopped all communication apart from texts or emails, if they become abusive I just replied that I was unwilling to conversation while the ex was like that. If your ex has the little one either meet him at the door with your little one ready so that he doesn’t have a reason to come in or do the exchange in a public place.
Mark25 April 2019 at 9:22 pm #24162
hi, i can relate to so many things you wrote on the ex front, feels like a never ending thing i know. I re-call although for me its been a few years ago i didnt have to pay mediation as i wasnt working at the time, although in my case it was a bust as he didnt bother turning up to most anyhow but if it ever gets so bad with your ex you turn to court [ me currently] you need to have tried mediation firstly before going down the court path.
Im also in a new area so understand isolation/ lonliness very well, everyone needs someone even for a chat from time to time i get that.
I agree to make it easier you should arrange handovers with a third party or as i do with my ex although yours is much younger…. he pulls up my son meets him at car so no talking involved.
I also agree dont stoop to there level, just try to ignore and focus on you and your kids
Its seems overwhelming in the begining but does get better. x26 April 2019 at 3:40 am #24169
Nava, you could be describing my ex. 😊 The need to compete, the constant undermining and belittling can really hit your confidence.
For me, doing something called “grey rock” worked. When you do handovers, which should be as short as possible, just ignore any comment targeted at you. Let it skim over the surface or bounce off. Don’t react, don’t respond, don’t ponder. Communicate by email rather than on the phone.
Your ex needs to compete probably because you are so much more competent than he is. How would he cope with raising FOUR children in his own? I’m full of admiration. I think I’m doing ok if I haven’t yelled at my one child in a week.
i hope it gets easier soon. x26 April 2019 at 7:30 am #24170
Hi im new here too after approx 2 years of being single to 2 fantastic boys ive decided to branch out, i find the hardest thing of being single is having the communication of the relationship. Ive talked about my problems and it does get easier, my boys are my motivation and keep me going( as a full time restauranteur) i only get to see them on my days off. I always try to think positively no matter what. Talking to others really has helped, one thing i do need to regain is trust in others after being let down , each day is ablessing towards my boys28 April 2019 at 10:00 am #24245
Thank you so much. Yes I have reset the boundaries so to speak and now do the handover at the front door rather than letting him into my home. I have also stopped replying to any messages unless they are strictly with regards to contact arrangements. I think my next step at mediation is to come up with a strict set routine for access, because he does try to change the access days and times to suit him and I have tried to be flexible but it’s not working for me. And I suppose the next step will be court if that doesn’t work, but the cost and whole process seems daunting.
But it is so nice to connect with others who understand and are going through similar experiences. I have never written anything on a forum like this before, but it’s been so nice to hear from such supportive and friendly people. Thank you all xx