Hey, let me introduce myself :)
21 March 2019 at 6:35 pm #22378
Hi all, I joined gingerbread a few months ago but on having a chat with a health visitor last week I decided to make use of it.
A bit about myself and my situation. I’m a single mum to my 11 month old. I’ve basically been a single parent since I discovered I was pregnant. I got pregnant by someone who I was seeing on and off for 3 years. He’d always said he wanted to settle with me kids etc, but I never believed him.. his character and behaviour said otherwise. He basically just wanted to have a child with me to prevent me seeing other people.
I was engaged to someone else and towards the end of the engagement I was feeling unsure about it all, my gut instincts about him were all off, then a serious incident confirmed my gut feeling so I broke up with him. I wasnt really myself after that. About 2-3weeks after I ended my engagement I conceived my son in a one off situation with the on off guy. I found out I was pregnant a month later as my period never showed up and I’m like clockwork. I always knew what day I was due on lol.
Anyway I put off doing the test for a couple weeks, I was hoping I wasnt pregnant obviously because I had recently called off an engagement and I knew the man I was pregnant for would not be there for me or his child. I’d known him for 3 years so I was well acquainted with his personality.
Anyway, did the test, pregnant. Told him. He was pleased. Now I was living in Birmingham at the time. He lived in London. I was in London for the summer staying with family when I found I was pregnant. My family and the babys dad begged me to love back to London. He was all like “I want to be in my child’s life. How will I see the child if you go back to Birmingham. How will my family see the baby” blah blah. Then my family also were on my case to move back to London basically scaring me telling me I’d need help and I can’t have a baby on my own etc.
So eventually I gave in and left my job, all my things that wouldn’t fit in my car, (TV, sofa, etc). Stayed at my sister’s house. 2 months later the novelty wears off and she kicks me out, so I’m pregnant and homeless. Went to the council, they called my sister as part of their process and my SISTER spins them a story suggesting I’m voluntarily homeless and basically told them not to help me (yes this is the kind of family I have) so I ended up having to stay with my child father for 2 months. My time there was horrendous. He showed no interest in the pregnancy, didn’t come to scans etc., he used to bring girls in the house when I’m there and sleep with them just to get at me. He obviously knew I had no where to go so he could do what he liked. And I guess also to get me to feel uncomfortable to leave. Honestly I dont know how I didn’t miscarry and my baby was born healthy. I was very depressed, I barely ate. Plus I didn’t have an easy pregnancy, I had .morning sickness throughout.
Anyway when I was 5months pregnant I finally saved up enough to get a private rented bedsit so I could get out of the house and away from that guy.
Just before I left his mum found out I was pregnant. He didn’t tell her I was pregnant, she found out by accident because she stopped by the house and saw my bump. And she blamed me for him not telling her. Apparently I should have “made him” tell her and I should have “presented myself” to her.. at that point he was 29 years old.. if your 29 year old son chooses not to tell you he’s expecting a baby.. isn’t that because he doesn’t respect you enough to tell you…? But anyway after that she was nice enough, excited to be a grandma but clearly her son can do no wrong so I was weary of her.
Pregnancy went on, I bought 90% of what baby needed myself. The remaining 10% were gifts. Baby’s father only bought bottles. He was a working man, worked as a railway engineer so he wasnt broke.
Baby was overdue so I had to be induced. The day I was due to go into the hospital he decided to try and start a fight with me so he didn’t have to attend the birth and go to work instead. He hadn’t told work he was expecting so hadn’t got paternity or whatever sorted so he would get in trouble for not going to work.
He came to the birth, wish he didn’t. He kept threatening me that he was gonna leave and he didn’t want to stay. My labour was 17 hours. Went in Tuesday afternoon. Delivery was Wednesday morning. Had some complications, baby nearly passed away during the labour because my body reacted badly to the drugs given for the induction. Babys father slept through it all. He was aware or what was happening because I was moved to 3 different places and he followed each time. The doctors were shocked and disgusted that he could sleep when his child was at risk. It was humiliating.
Had the emergency c-section eventually. Baby had to be resuscitated. I’m trying to listen for my baby’s cry. This guy is sitting next to me saying “you need to go gym to sort your belly out”. That was it for me. It was too much. He’s a disgusting human being. But I kept composed in the hospital. I was kept in for 11days because I had caught e-coli in the hospital. Baby was fine.
Fast forward to today. Babys dad doesn’t see the child and doesn’t pay child support. Babys dads family dont see him because they are upset that I contacted Child maintenance to get him to pay support.. he still doesn’t pay support.
So I’m doing it on my own. Still in that bedsit I got when I was 5 months pregnant. As you can imagine theres no room for anything in here. My son is nearly 1 and will be walking soon. Its depressing. Private rent is so expensive and I’ve been trying to move for a year and still haven’t managed to get anywhere. And the council wont help. They accept I’m living in unsuitable conditions but my landlord hasn’t kicked me out and they will only help me if I get kicked out and made homeless. My landlord wont kick me out because I’m lining his pockets.
So that’s me and believe it or not a short version of my story lol21 March 2019 at 8:42 pm #22382
Hey just read your post. You have had a lot going on. Your birth was tough but bet you held him so tight and isnt it fab to watch them grow up. Yes he will be soon walking and i understand your concerns about the bedsit.
I grew up with my Mum and we were in bedsit for bit until i was about 5ish. Just gotta do the best you can and yes you werent helped by your Sister
Hope something comes along soon21 March 2019 at 10:38 pm #22387
It’s the best watching him grow. Feels like he’s growing too fast though!
Yeah, the bedsit is tough. I just feel so bad sometimes. The other day he was crawling/pacing on the little bit of floor space we have and it made me a bit teary. It was like seeing a lion in a cage just going back and forth. Maybe I’m being dramatic lol. But yes, hopefully something comes soon.
Thanks for reading and replying 😊22 March 2019 at 4:55 am #22389
well done for getting this far.
When I was in a grotty place with my son, I found planning helped. When your son is two, you’ll get free childcare and be able to go back to work. And you can move to a nicer, less expensive place in any town you choose. In a way, you have complete freedom because you don’t need to stay around for your ex.
I spent a year planning where I was going to live, checking out facilities and schools and rent prices on-line.
Get yourself organised, make your plans and the next year will go quickly. Try to save a little bit. Can you do a college course while you’re waiting, that will add to your earnings potential?22 March 2019 at 7:00 am #22391
Hi sounds like my life a year ago, my sons now 2 and still in a bedside and still getting no help from council. I know it’s really hard and to make matters better I go to the baby/toddler free sessions at the children centres. Or just take the pram out and go for a walk or to a library (great place to go to in this cold weather) . I used to worry that my son needed more space and I was so upset I couldn’t and I don’t think I’m the future will be able to move into something bigger but he’s happy and healthy and that’s all that matters.22 March 2019 at 8:31 am #22393
Hey Kathy, thanks for your reply.
I’m actually a fully qualified primary school teacher. Before baby that’s what I was doing in Birmingham and the short time I was pregnant when I returned to London. Obviously I had quit when I gave birth. I wont be able to go back to it until he’s 3 and qualifies for 30 hours. Then I could go back part time. I can’t really sort my life out properly until then.
I find a lot of people are shocked when they hear I’m a teacher. They just assume teachers have their lives sorted, which I did up until I got pregnant and lost it all. Life happens to everyone I guess.22 March 2019 at 8:44 am #22394
Hey Simba thanks for your reply.
I know what you mean. I’ve completely given up on the council. The only way in going to afford something private rented and decent is if I leave London again. I think I’m going to do that.
We go to some groups and swimming but my son is very antisocial lol. He just stays stuck to me 90% of the time and cries. We’ve been going for a few months. In the beginning I thought he’d get used to it but now I realise it’s just the way he is. However I’ll keep taking him.. he needs to learn right? Lol.
I hope you find somewhere soon though! But you’re right as long as they’re happy and healthy that’s all that matters. 🙂22 March 2019 at 10:20 pm #22425
hi, just read your story, all I can say is WOW, you have been through so much, all I can say is you must be very strong (I bet you do not think it) to have done what you have. It is a real shame that the people that should be helping you and supporting you have disappeared, my girls do not have a mum so makes me angry when kids do have a parent yet they do not want to know their child, after all children do not ask to be born. Thank you for sharing. Paul.