Help with seperation

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  • #18145 Report

    chrisoxon
    Participant

    Hi there

    Just joined this group as looking for help. Basically my wife about a month ago said she didn’t want to be with me anymore, we hadn’t got on so well for quite a while and lost the connection we used to have. Anyway she didn’t talk to anyone about this and had been thinking about it for a long time but will not try again or even keep any future doors open!

    We have two amazing kids who are 8 and 6 they are coping ok and in the short term they will be living at home with me while my wife figures out where to stay.

    I have been feeling ok but am up and down but when I am down I just don’t get how this happened and why she won’t even comprehend even giving some time apart etc she just says “we don’t get on anymore” and “i don’t find you attractive anymore” – i know these are important things but my logical brain won’t process why the rush with it all.

    Is there anyone else this happened too and any advice, half of me wants to just jump on a dating site and try and find someone else!!

    Thanks

    #18148 Report

    MissStar1
    Participant

    Will she sit down and talk with you?

    #18149 Report

    chrisoxon
    Participant

    Thanks for the reply

    She will sometimes but says the same thing, we haven’t got on for years and she doesn’t find me attractive anymore! She’s had issues over the years and is still on medication for panic attacks and anxiety which she thinks may have been caused by the fact she was unhappy and didn’t know what to do.

    I just don’t understand why she won’t see what happens in the future but she says she’s made up her mind and that’s that!

    She basically thought i felt exactly the same, that I was unhappy and didn’t want to be with her anymore but although some of that is true i still love her so i feel like i have been dumped!

    #18150 Report

    Adam_1982
    Participant

    Hi Chris,

    I’m sad to say having gone through something similar, it is highly unlikely there is a way back. It is the one area of life where no amount of logic and reasoning will work. The other person just wants to be ‘happy’, even if they don’t know what that will be for them. It is probably likely as well your wife will project a lot on to you as in you are the problem or say the relationship is much worse than the reality. Probably to justify the decision. Don’t discount the possibility there could be someone else in the picture too. I know it’s not what you want to hear but believe nothing. I was stunned when I discovered my ex wife had been away for a weekend with a guy when she told me it was with a work colleague who was female. That was all from her asking me to take a photo of her and our son on her mobile phone. Call it fate but at that moment a message popped up ‘I miss you’ from the guy. Cue reading a string of sexual messages with stuff about me in terms of her saying she was struggling to deal with me. This may not apply to your wife but rule out nothing is all I would say. Just over a year ago this happened. We are now divorced. I jumped on the online dating apps, I had some fun but it is not a solution long term. You will have a long road ahead grieving. But the positive is there is lots of time to reflect. Learn your lessons and move on. I’d say don’t look at what she did wrong, consider what you could do better in a future relationship. Also think, what was good and what was bad about the relationship and think what you would like in the future, be it similar qualities or different ones in a future partner. I’m enjoying some me time now and I think getting used to to being on your own is vital before you move forward. It’s a long road I’m afraid. Good luck.

    Adam

    #18159 Report

    chrisoxon
    Participant

    Thank you Adam

    Sorry to hear about your situation sounds like you are doing amazing thou 🙂

    My situation is slightly different, the issue I have with this is that she is not herself so I don’t why she would rule anything out in future, she is also on medication so once she comes off that I don’t know what will happen! Anyway I accept it’s 99% over and am ok with it, she is made in unhappy for years and after the initial upset and grief which hit my hard I feel a different person, I stopped drinking, lost weight etc and generally feel good and the relationship with my kids is amazing(it was great anyway!). I know she is not seeing anyone else and when I bring it up about meeting new people she says she has no interest in it at the moment(maybe in future) and if she is anything she is honest and would tell me the truth.

    My issue is that I want to meet someone fairly soon or meet new people not to have fun or anything like that just to get to know similar people in my situation so when I am down rather than messaging my wife I can message someone who understands but I don’t know where to begin, do I try dating apps etc? I am not necessary looking to date if that makes sense just a new connection!

    #18184 Report

    Adam_1982
    Participant

    I would perhaps avoid dating apps if you are looking to message people when you are down, it’s probably not the best place for that. If you are looking for fun and dating and a distraction I would say there is nothing to lose with that but leave the heavy talk to one side. If you are looking for connections (people in a similar boat) if you are on Facebook there are a couple of good groups. I am on them but don’t interact a great deal on there but I could do if I chose to. They are private groups so friends / family on Facebook would not see your posts. Lots of people to interact with. I’ll just double check what the groups are called again, one moment lol

    #18185 Report

    Adam_1982
    Participant

    … Back again. The groups are single parents support – UK Based and sps social UK (a part of single parents support)

    I think basically they are linked, one is for practical advice / support and the other group is a social one for online interactions and possible meet ups. Locality may determine how successful that is for you. But could be a start. You have to request to join but approval is usually given pretty quickly and as I say the pages are private from the rest of your Facebook.

     

    #18186 Report

    Adam_1982
    Participant

    Oh yeah re the above, there is quite a lot of crap on those Facebook pages and at times there appears elements of a Jeremy Kyle type nature to the posts (not sure if that is your thing lol – it isn’t mine so I skip that stuff) but there are some good things on there. It’s not perfect though so don’t blame me if it’s a bad suggestion lol.

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