Help with a narcissist
8 February 2021 at 10:18 pm #49284
Hi all, I was hoping someone could give me some advice. I have been together with a narcissist (thats only what I think from descriptions I read) and I got pregnant. I’m 7 months now and he wanted to push me into having an abortion, I decided against it and ever since he has been criticising me that I decided over his life and how bad his life will be because of me. He still stays and says he wants to try but he has never even asked how the baby or I were. In front of his friends he pretends to care but all he ever says to me is criticise me or complaining about his life. He is very disrespectful but would never say sorry and always give me the fault for everything. Its all about him. I guess I am stupid for hoping he will change once the baby is born but unfortunately I am. Does anyone have experience with that? Is there a therapy that helps, if not for him the maybe for me so I can cope with this?8 February 2021 at 11:16 pm #49290
It’s very common that the one with the disorder/issues/bad behaviour won’t go for help.The only way to change the situation sometimes,is the way that you-the healthy person- reacts.Often the only way to get the advice you need is to see a therapist.Try a psychotherapist,once you have explained the problem they will be able to tell you whether they can help you or if not,to advise you which type of therapist can.I hope that helps.8 February 2021 at 11:47 pm #49292
Hi there. Sadly I can relate to their selfish behaviour. It truly is only about them, their needs & wants, and their pain ever.
Narcissists’ have ZERO empathy for anyone else but their own and after having had two children to a man who fits exactly this personality, and seeing he could so easily turn on me the second his eldest teenage daughter suddenly made allegations I had been bullying her for the entire ten years both her parents were more than happy to leave her in my care because it was convenient for them … that was the last straw for me. We used to always argue over his many issues and insecurities but it all boiled down to trust and allowing himself to ultimately believe he was worthy of real love himself and I think unfortunately he was just not brought up to ever feel that and is forever trying to fill that void, without the emotional capability to be in a successful adult relationship where one can be truly open with their feelings and intimacy. He always struggled with that and would pour his energy into the focus on his children, but especially his first born from his first marriage, to the point I always felt it was unhealthy hiw obsessed he was being so overprotective of her that anything or anyone date breathed the same air as her he would attack you over. I’ve felt the need to assure him time and time again my intentions have been nothing but out of pure unconditional love, as she was only a 4yr old innocent girl from day one in my mind, but sadly he has had an ex wife and an older sister whom both have tried to sabotage our relationship since the first day also, along with issues of bipolar running in his family, and his abandonment and trust issues, and then theirs his own stepmum issues he never came to terms with growing up as a child himself so yeah… I actually don’t know why I thought I could still make a successful relationship here with all of that to deal with to be honest. Fast forward those ten years and this older teenage daughter of his, has been in councilling for severe anxiety from bullying friends at school (we could only assume?), self harming earlier last year, and also wishing to come out as transitioning to transgender and pansexual. And apparently she’s blaming ALL of that on me somehow… which her father is blaming me for now as he’s just running with whatever she has said, and yet is trying to ‘educate myself on what it is to be supportive of somebody transitioning by defining what her change means’ etc, which of course I already understand, I feel it’s him that’s actually struggling with all of this so yet again, I’ve been the easy skapegoat here I’ve felt in diverting everyone’s attention to what’s really going on.
So, when my partner decided to leave myself and our younger two children at hime, months went by and I wasn’t sure what I was exactly abt I do as I was completely heartbroken and yet exhausted beyond belief and desperately needing some physical and mental support from my own family so had to drag my two babies across to the other side of the world here from New Zealand, during a blooming global pandemic, just to receive some of that finally. My partner is definitely only interested in his ego being stroked in thinking ‘he is right about everything’ albeit all the awful verbal and emotional abuse he has attacked me with over these past 3-4months so far to date, and cannot even swallow his pride to actually drop me a message to try and speak to his children, yet has been complaining to both his and my own family, along with announcing ‘how dearly he misses his children’ on fb for sympathy from strangers. It’s quite unbelievable really.
When narcissists don’t get their own way by successfully charming whatever they say to you however, that’s when they turn on you within seconds and it starts to feel very nasty and cold, very fast. my family got a taste of that and realising this is what I’ve been dealing with for a very long time now, and are greatly concerned as much as I am about our children’s mental health with constant manipulation that we’ve already come to learn of with my 4yr old being taught to ‘keep secrets from Mummy’ etc. I’m just trying to settle them the best I can now at this end and also hopefully get them into a schooling system over here so they can have some type of normality and routine again. I have no idea what that means for our future however.
Regarding your partner, I’m sure I could certainly affirm a lot of personality traits narcissists hold though feom my experience this past decade. I also went to see a domestic violence councillor for my own sanity when I could literally not talk to anyone about it all with no family support over there at all and the times difference being five or take 12hrs from opposite sides of the world to be able to pick up the phone and speak to my own family regularly enough, so it really helped my head realise some things and it was her who pointed out the narcissistic traits to me to realise that’s what was going on here. There’s a great deal of give but both much coming back our way sadly.