Help talking to my kids from desperate and devastated father

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  • #54661 Report

    J1000
    Participant

    Hi,

    my wife told me 18mont has ago that she no longer wanted to be married. The reasons are varied and not always clear. i suggested a trial separation but it could only be on her terms. We have always got in very well and so the kids were stunningly surprised. After 4 months living apart she wants a divorce and we have to tell the kids which I am dreading (I was uncontrollably crying when we told them about the separation).

    The thing I am so struggling with is when the kids (10 and 11) are so very sad sometimes but won’t discuss other than say it is about us. They are with me 50%+ and when it happens with me I say that whatever happens they will always be loved and that they are everything in my world and my number 1. However I want to be able to make them feel better and also to open up more about their feelings and worries. Any tips would be appreciated as I am finding it horrendous not being able to help them better.

    like me, they find it hard to understand fully and I do not want them thinking bad of me as I have only ever wanted this to work and have done so very much to make it work. It isn’t my choice or decision but obviously my wife was very sad (not just because of me) and I accept my part but whilst I never want to blame her to the kids I also don’t like the idea of them thinking worse of me.

    I welcome your advice so very much

     

    many thanks

    #54663 Report

    laoretta
    Participant

    This sounds aweful… My comment is not for your kids but for you. To get the support and help you need process what is happening, so you can also then support your kids through this. Good luck with it x

    #54664 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    Hi,

    I think your children will do very well if you make them still feel loved and supported. plan great days out with them. have lots of fun, and never say anything negative about their mother.

    #54669 Report

    Efs87
    Participant

    You’re right not to want to place blame. When I had this conversation with my then 4 year old it was more of a mummy and daddy don’t love each other any more but we still love you to pieces kind of conversation. He had a girlfriend within days of our split and my daughter was ok with it.

    There are lots of families who are separated/ divorced and looking from the outside in, double major events usually goes down well with kids, 2 Christmases (or more if you add in your in laws), double birthdays, holidays etc.

    Focus more on the positive things and stay strong. Yes you may feel like a wreck understandably, but seek help for that and be positive in front of your kids. Never show negativity towards their mum in front of them because it may come back to bite you in the future.

    #54671 Report

    J1000
    Participant

    Thanks so much for your response and time

    #54677 Report

    J1000
    Participant

    Thank yoh Steve. Have you gone through this? I just want to be able to get my kids through this and open up. They are really sad sometimes like last night. I’m in a terrible state and all over the place too so hard to keep head. I write notes each night  on what I could Ha be done better each day and what I was proud of but other than that not sure what can do.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by J1000.
    #54704 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    Hi, yes I have gone through this. it will soon be 3 years  since the break up. all I care about now is seeing the kids and having wonderful time with them, and rebuilding my life. rise from the ashes 🙂  have lined up great trips for them this summer. beach trips, theme parks 🙂 for you I would recommend a youtube channel. it’s called divorced, broke and paleo. very helpful and powerful advice. check it out.

    #54729 Report

    lucas
    Participant

    sorry to jump on this post steve how old were your kids mine are 8&6 they don’t know yet that we are splitting up only thing that is keeping me going is my kids

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