Help – Separating and finding it hard to cope regarding children.
16 November 2020 at 11:23 pm #45814
It’s always difficult to know if we’ve done the right thing, but we can only try.
- I can see you love your boys greatly and so why wouldn’t you want to protect them.
I think you’re very strong to have met your ex wife’s new partner. You are stronger than you realise.
People know there is always 2 sides to a story, you focus on keeping yourself well and looking after your boys when they are with you.
Take care17 November 2020 at 8:08 am #45818
Sounds like you did well during the meeting of her new partner and you have your childrens best interests at heart and she should see this. Sounds like she is the one handling it wrong tbh
Im sure it wont go against you and it seems that her not allowing you to meet him on his own shows she has things to hide and she is worried you may say something so i think she is living all a happy life if she is hiding things
You do whats right for you and the children17 November 2020 at 4:40 pm #45835
Wide awake- I couldn’t read and not comment. I have so much empathy for you. You are dealing with a lot and its always made so much more difficult when one person moves on so quickly. You are human not selfish. Its normal to feel jealousy, rage, despair- you wouldn’t be human if u didn’t feel these things! One thing I can assure you 100% is your boys will always love you. You sound like a great dad so please don’t worry about that. No matter what happens you will always be their number 1 above any step dad. Unfortunately in this situation it takes time – I know its such a cliché but time really is a healer. In time the hurt will dull until you feel nothing but indifference. You will eventually feel ready to move your life on yourself and meet someone who will give you your spark back. Until then you must take each day at a time and try not to torture yourself with thoughts of your ex and her new partner moving on with your kids – it will never happen, your children will always be yours no matter what. I hope you can find some peace. Try to focus on anything else in your life thats positive – your kids or work – anything that can distract you.17 November 2020 at 9:17 pm #45845
Thanks for the comments and support.
There really is so much background to this, and it all makes a huge jigsaw puzzle with many pieces.
I am still awaiting the dreaded solicitor letter, as I have no ideas what her demands will be. Previously I have had things like I must be out by the end of September (when we petitioned divorce in August) – its a joint mortgage, so I have legal rights. Of course I can not understand how she will suddenly cope with the boys when the 50:50 is agreed, which of course I will agree to, she is their mother no matter what I think of her .. its just the timeline, and the rush.
For me the end of marriage its July this year just when locked was easing, for them (and I know realise most definitely for him) its September last year when they met. My soon to be ex wife and I had reconciled this year (well I thought we had). She hasn’t told him this fact, or any of the truth to the build up of when they met. So I think this is driving the urgency of their timeline. As I could imagine if he is serious about her he would be wanting to meet the children and integrate them into their lives. Its what I would do, and makes sense to me.
My priority should be protecting the children. Is protecting them: breaking their relationship or should I stay silent? I could have spoken last night.
Its ridiculous, as if they are so serious, at some point in the future it is bound to come out. My boys are 6 and 4, my ex and I are tied together through them for years to come, if not until we die, and I am sure I will meet her man again.
Regards,17 November 2020 at 9:30 pm #45848
I was once in your shoes.
As hard as it is, and I know it is, keep calm. Keep a calm dialogue with your ex regarding seeing the children. Focus on building a rapport that will hopefully give you what you want, being involved in your children’s life. It takes time, there will be up’s and down’s but talk, put the focus on the children. Try to seperate your emotional feelings about your ex and the new friend, I know it’s hard.
Speak to child law, also local FnF.17 November 2020 at 10:57 pm #45866
Reading your post really resonated with me. I’m so sorry you’re going through such a difficult time right now. My husband and I seperated over 2 years ago and I ended up moving away with our 2 children to be closer to my family. He also picks and chooses when he wants to see the children and I have since found out he had an affair to punish me and hurt me. One of my biggest fears is him finding someone new and my children being a part of their lives when to me they will be a stranger. No one and nothing can change your situation with your ex’s partner, but I would say that they are YOUR children, and if she wants to bring a new man into their lives, it should always be discussed with you first, as you are their father. Yes technically she can move on and what she does with the children in the time she has them is up to her, but out of respect to you, and more importantly to keep those children safe, surely she should be keeping you in the loop and giving you a heads up at least.
In terms of the divorce, I haven’t started mine yet, but you just have to take one day at a time. Or even one hour at a time if that helps. It’s not going to be easy, and there are going to be times that you disagree on things, or don’t like decisions she makes involving the children, but it’s so important for you and her to have some sort of relationship so that if issues do arise you can both discuss them and put the children first.
I felt, and still do some days, that my world has been shattered by the infidelity and my ex’s attitude towards the children, and me raising them as a single parent. But your children will always know that you are their father. No one can take that away from you. One day when your children are old enough to understand they will see how much you cared for them growing up and how much you love them. Your ex, her new man, they can’t change that fact. You will get through this, it will be painful at times, but you have your children and that won’t change.18 November 2020 at 8:24 am #45877
This morning she came back earlier than normal.
I was still getting the children ready for school like I have been doing.
My eldest has misplaced some reading books, and we have been discussing, I had said he must tell his teacher now that unfortunately he can not find them (he’s six)
I have asked my ex on several occasions if she has seen them which she hasn’t, even though they were by his bag on Sunday before she took them to stay with her new man (which they came back from as I said I was not happy)
She then said she would call his teacher.
Now. I shouldn’t really care. The issue will be being resolved. But again, this is as a previous posted said – point scoring. Trying to know demonstrate to the school. If it goes to court do things like this have a bearing. how do I protect myself? As I said previously I accept 50:50, but now what if she is trying to push me out completely?
This nightmare just gets worse. As I said Monday night to them both – it didn’t need to be like this.
Regards,18 November 2020 at 12:14 pm #45882
four years ago I was where you are now. I was worried sick and thought I would lose anything and everything, would never see my children again. It didn’t happen. The way they come, is the way they go. If dishonesty is a part of their relationship, it will most likely break it as well. My ex tried everything to alienate our children from me, forced me out of the house, even out of town for weeks. But it didn’t work because it was all build on lies. Remember who and what you are. Have trust in yourself. You are a rock and nobody pushes you over. As long as you stay calm and do your things, the legal system will work in your favour. Inform the school and their class teacher about what is going on. Only the basics, no accusations or anything. Alert friends and family of your situation for help. You will need support. If you have a sibling who can stay for a few weeks, that would be the winner. Think along the lines, what you need to cope and forget thinking about what she will come up with.
My ex is on her third boyfriend now. The boys live with me and see her. There is hope. Let tomorrow decide what happens tomorrow and focus on today.18 November 2020 at 12:30 pm #45884
Just to reassure you the courts will only take in to account major failings of parents ie substance abuse or alcohol abuse – or children having lots of time off school. They won’t care about small points scoring on losing books etc. Also in 2014 a new law was passed giving fathers more rights. Your rights are protected more than ever now. The courts don’t really care about you or your ex – the well being of the children is the primary concern and with that they like to keep status quo as much as possible with as little disruption to the kids as possible. Your rights are just as important as your exes- gone are the days that custody automatically gets awarded to the mum. I would recommend you trying to go to mediation with your ex try to stay out of court – its horrifically expensive – try mediation and coming to a agreement together if you can. It sounds like your ex has rushed into a relationship that she is already being dishonest in, I cant see it lasting!18 November 2020 at 12:34 pm #45885
By the way why do you need to leave the house ? If she has already left ? Stay put if you can afford to ! Also don’t forget it doesn’t have to be 50/50 custody- if you think the kids are better with u then go for 60/40 or 70/30 in your favour, i would only suggest that if u think your boys are not being cared for properly – 4 and 6 is still very young so do the best for them !!18 November 2020 at 2:21 pm #45888
Thanks again for your reassurances.
However, I have just become so pessimistic about everything, as she always seems to be one step ahead. I have made mistakes – I think she would use these against me.
I have not been abusive or substance abuse, I drank, but not excessively. I was not an alcoholic. I don’t drink at all now out of principle, and haven’t since October 2019. But I was convicted drink driving.
Now people reading this will immediately judge me. Where there is smoke there is fire. It wasn’t like that, but immediately I have to start defending myself, and peoples sub-conscious bias. I didn’t have to disclose this information, in an open forum, but I did. Remember that.
I’m scared of the legal system, and what lies she may tell them, so that she gets her own way, as soon as I talk about the past to put things in perspective of where we are today she closes down the conversation aggressively. She wanted to do that the other night when I talked to them both, but she couldn’t as her mask would slip, and he would see her for what she is.
I suspect this may now be the end of these posts.
Regards,18 November 2020 at 2:34 pm #45890
No judgement here !! Drink driving is obviously not great – but I know people who are great humans who have had the same experience! I dont think thats an immediate strike against u, everyone makes mistakes… no one is perfect and a lot of people drink a bit too much especially when experiencing relationship problems. If you cld afford a appointment with a solicitor it would really put your mind at rest I think. You just need 30 mins and a bit of advice as to where u stand.18 November 2020 at 2:36 pm #45891
I read some of your posts. If you havent already dont let your ex in your house anymore. You dont want her attempting to get you out of your own home and moving her new partner in . Also dont let her solicitor get to you. A lot of them make empty threats and their job is to cause you anxiety and do what their client instructs. If you need to know anything best to ask on here as someone will be able to help you. Hopefully you are seeing your children and she does agree to 50-50 shared care. It may be worth going to family court to have an order drawn up as it will help in more ways than you know