Help over medical appointments
- This topic has 10 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 10 months ago by Workingmum87.
22 January 2018 at 10:14 pm #7043
I have a 6 year old child me and dad have been seperated since birth and have always had a difficult relationship I have always been scared of him due to constant manipulation and control and we had a difficult relationship from the birth of our child. I have always allowed regular contact ( every fortnight) initially he used to come to hospital appointments however he used to undermine everything that I would say / concerns I had and as the resident parent and her mum I’ve always recognised my daughters health changes and I’ve tried to speak with dad about these but he feels he knows better and doesn’t take any of my advice. Recently I have been attending medical appointment on my own I have always told dad that my daughter has been to the doctors and advised of the outcome but never stipulated that she has attended hospital appointments. Can I loose custody of my child over this? I have always accessed medical attention when my daughter has required and always act in her best interest but just worried he will use this against me23 January 2018 at 12:21 am #7046
You won’t lose custody just for that (if nothing more is at play here) but he could use it against you if he decided to go down a legal route. It appears that you know you should tell him and he does have the right to know and a say, especially if he has PR. He would be allowed to access daughters medical records.
I will assume that the hospital appointments are fairly standard appointments (hearing tests etc) rather than more serious issues. If they are more serious issues or that you are doing something that may not be in her interest, that may well be a different matter.23 January 2018 at 6:14 am #7047
How do you mean use it against me?
Ive always informed him of any changesto her medication it’s the asthma clinic we have attended and I had been advised by legal and my health visitor that he didn’t need to attend the appointments but I did need to inform him of any changes to medications etc
he still tries to intimidate me and I don’t think it’s healthy for my daughter to witness that however I do feel it is important to include him I just don’t know how to do this in a way that I am not going to feel scared of him.23 January 2018 at 8:20 am #7049
If contact/residency issues went down the court route he would bring the subject up as an additional reason for what he may seek.
He may well be intimidating but is there hard evidence of this? That is what was used multiple times against me but no evidence at all, nor could there be. The courts hear these intimidating arguments all the time but most of it is made up by mothers. So other mothers, with false allegations, cause problems with those who don’t. So if you don’t have evidence of intimidation he will simply have the point that you have stopped his parental right to attend medical appointments as you did not inform him of the appointments.
You say he undermines you, I will turn it upside down. Are you not undermining him? Why do you think you know what is best and he doesn’t? Because you are a mother? You are the main career? Have you any medical training? I am not trying to have a go, I am just indicating what the court will see.
You could email him with your concerns and state you both should be able to put you points across to the medical staff in turn. That way you will have evidence that you have a concern and you have tried to be reasonable in your approach. There may be a chance he will then email something to you that will prove he can be intimidating.23 January 2018 at 12:12 pm #7051
Ok I take your points and I really try to be fair as our common interest is obv our child. I do keep a diary of events and there was witness to him manipulations / intimidation’s in our child’s medical notes from when she was born as I involved a domestic violence worker more to try and move forward to ensure he could have regular contact. He lives over an hour away. Recently we have been trying to work together more as I don’t want our child to see fighting or sense any tension as that’s not healthy for her either. i work in a medical environment and have always taken the lead in our child’s medical needs (he was given a choice a long time ago) however he did not feel comfortable with this. Basically I want to move forward and I know he has a right to know when her appointments are but I don’t want to end up fighting or being in a situation where he constantly tries to exercise his control if that makes sense? There is no legal involvement we have a private contact arrangements and I have amended this when he wants more contact etc mainly in school holidays. Thanks for you advice/ input it’s nice to have input from another dad23 January 2018 at 6:52 pm #7064
If he is an hour away and still willing to attend the appointments he must think a lot of your daughter, unless he is just playing a power game. If it is the former you do need to allow him to have his say even if he turns out to be wrong but you need to have yours as well and let the medical staff decide what is best.
Is he controlling, or you? He may well be, but he may feel that you are.
Parents should only ever battle with their ex if it really is the best option and possibly last resort. Hope it works out and the pair of you do what is best for daughter.23 January 2018 at 10:46 pm #7068
I guess I want to move forward and try and improve our communication with each other to have a more amicable relationship for our daughters sake. I have always informed him whenever we have been to see a dr and whether she has had any medication changes etc and informed him of outcomes. She is due some investigations shortly and I will be informing him so he can attend if he chooses too. I have always informed him if she has been to a and e however he chose not to attend but I gave him regular updates on how our child was doing so I do try to be fair at the end of the day he is the dad.
Ive just been making myself ill with worry over the fact that I haven’t pre told him when her appointments are and have been worrying that if he ever went for custody I would loose my daughter over my fear of him now I know this is a very common situation which is why I have kept a
diary or notes over the years but I am still fearful of him. My anxiety over being in the same room as him when our child has investigation has lead for me to seek medical support.
I hve always tried to put myself in the other persons shoes and I doctry my best to keep things amicable and fair I allow him regular access and encourage our child to contact him throughout the week to encourage a good relationship.24 January 2018 at 2:07 pm #7077
I haven’t got his email address but I do put it in a text to him I haven’t deleted any of my messages so I still have them all on my phone. Maybe I can start by giving him update via email or letter form which I can photocopy to ensure I hve a clear paper trail. Thank you guys for your advice