help im trapped and just dont know what to do.

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  • #6807 Report

    suzukirider
    Participant

    Hi im a mum to 2 children aged 12 and 10, and been married for 13 years. i got with my husband when i was 17 and he was 10 years older than me. I had kids quite young as he wanted to not be an old dad. we have been happily married however i have always struggled with commitment. i have recently been feeling very apart from my husband probably for atleast a year i had to ask for cuddles and kisses and we just plodded along with life. my friends then started asking me out and i said yes i absolutely love going out i think it is becasue i have never done the going out with friends as i got with my husband who had already done that. we have recently been talking about splitting up but staying amicable for the children but i cannot afford to move out and he cant afford to get anywhere else and he does not want to ask family as hes embarassed. i think i could afford the house on my own and also it would help to keep the house as its near to the kids school.

    i just dont feel i love him anymore i like him as a best friend and the kids dad and i will never stop talking to him but the whole relationship thing has just gone.

    can anybody help with what is the best thing to do, we did talk about separating but still living in the same house just different bedroom etc although i dont see how it would work with friends coming round and going out when you want to without questions.

    i feel trapped by marriage i think, i know its been 13 years ive been married for i feel that the past few years i have felt quite trapped and feel like i want to escape and be free, be independent for myself and enjoy time with my children. the thing is he is very needy and doesnt want me to go he wants to work things through but i honestly just dont want to but also dont want to hurt him.

    i really hope somebody can see where im coming from and can help me

    thanks R.

    #6824 Report

    aymeeb92
    Participant

    Hi i didnt want to read and run as I really understand where you are coming from .

    Me and my ex were together for almost 6 years and I still want to talk to him a lot but just as friends there isnt any love there.

    If you dont find that you could imagine being together then being amicable is the best thing .. it didnt work out like that for me and my ex we had a lot of time where we fought before we could be friends again.

    If you cant see it working out then tell him maybe go to couples counselling or is it too late for that?

    I hope it works out that you can live together in the same roof but not be together

    Let me know how its going

     

    Aymee

    #6833 Report

    suzukirider
    Participant

    Hi Aymee,

    It is too late for couples counselling i think that where we got together and i was 17 i was just too young and i feel i want to relive my life as there is a big world out there and lots of people. i am not even allowed friends well male ones without him being suspicious. i have been out with my friend today a female and i have had no end of questions, i really do feel this is the end of the road. he is getting close to the point of feeling like this too i believe.

    i was thinking what would the council be able to do if i told them  my husband has kicked me and the children out, i dont think  living in the same house will work as he will want to know everything i do still. i can stay away for a few weeks every month and probably every weekend but he cant stay anywhere as wont ask any family although they would say yes he wont ask them.

    i am just trapped i honestly feel i would be better off just vanishing and calling it a day but i want my children still i just am so trapped.

    x

    #6835 Report

    TheonlyWendy
    Participant

    Hi

    im sorry you’re feeling trapped in this dilemma. I guess if you’ve already spoken about splitting and it being amicable then it won’t be such a shock when it does happen, you will eventually get to breaking point I think where it’s all too much, could you suggest a trial separation to begin with and take it from there? Couples counselling also helps with breaks ups and communication not just trying to fix the relationship but making sure it’s amicable for the kids.

    i am currently sharing a house with my ex as we jointly own it, he can afford to buy me out which I can’t do but he won’t leave and I’ve had to find a new job and change my whole life so found it difficult to find a place so far, it’s not a fun situation to be in but we don’t really see each other much and communication is at an all time low, if there’s an option to not share the house I’d take it. You both need the space to move on without the awkwardness. Do you own your house?

    Its a really daunting prospect to go it alone even if you’re sure it’s the right thing to do as you’ve been together and shared a life for so long, it’s definitely do-able though. Citizens advice can help you and they also can provide a free family lawyer service. As you’re married they will offer mediation too which can help plan things out. There’s lots of advice out there to be had, take it one day at a time and form a plan so you know exactly how it will work when the time comes. I’ve had to view it as a ‘business’ plan with my ex as I know he will relate to that, covering in terms of when you’ll both have the kids and what will happen with the house and money etc.

    I hope you manage to work it out, just stay strong and don’t let those feelings of being trapped overwhelm you, because you can be in control of this.

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