Help! Ex sending the kids to school with no lunch.

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  • #35486 Report


    I’m thinking this thru as I read what you have said.

    You know you cannot let your child be without money in parentpay for her meals while she is at school, the humiliation for her is too great. It looks like it is goint to be down to you to put the money in each month for her meals at school. After that there will not be a case of neglect due to not having food provided for her while she is at school as you are making sure she has food during her school day.

    But if you want to fight this situation ( me personally, I wouldn’t because your ex sounds like she will find another was to use your child as a weapon against you) then challenge the amount you pay in CM via the courts based on the fact that mum refuses to use the money you pay to feed your child which you have evidence for, it wouldn’t be something you cannot prove.


    #35487 Report

    Rob in Leeds

    Thanks Kath

    So it’s a case of allowing myself to be blackmailed into paying more than the CMS have calculated I should pay to contribute towards the kids living expenses whilst they’re not with me because their mother, quite frankly, is a nasty b**ch and doesn’t give a damn about what she’s doing to her daughter?

    Why does it seem that there is so much bias towards the mother regardless of her behaviour towards the children? I’m not saying that your reply supports that by the way, but in general. I’ve done nothing wrong here, I pay the maintenance, I make on average a 10 hour round trip each weekend I have the children, I’ve never failed to turn up, I treat the kids well & they certainly don’t go hungry when they are with me. Having read some of the other threads on this forum I’m a saint in comparison to others yet there seems to be very little that I can do to make sure the kids are being properly provided for when they’re with the so-called main carer? Even the CMS said they have no jurisdiction over what the “receiving parent” spends the Child Maintenance money on and if you pay it to anyone other than her then they can turn around and take action against you! This system is messed up.

    If the situation were the reverse there’s no way I would lower myself to the point where I’d send the kids to school knowing they’d be hungry let alone ask my ex for more money to feed them whilst I was busy booking my 5th foreign holiday of the year!

    #35488 Report


    Hi Rob,

    Firstly I’m sorry that you’ve been subjected to some really hostile comments in this thread.

    Peeps, one of the purposes of Gingerbread is to provide support for one another and the bashing that Rob has been subjected to is unacceptable.

    The CMS is correct in that you are only requested to pay what they tell you to pay as a contribution towards the upkeep of your children.

    If you want to give your eldest a little something then you can pay into their banking account directly.

    Re the other 2 children, am I correct in assuming that your ex wife won’t allow the children to take a packed lunch, even just sandwich and fruit?

    #35489 Report


    Hi Rob,

    Me again. Sorry.

    Your ex wife is the resident parent and she’s denying your children food?

    Hate to say this but this may be neglect?

    You could mention the lunch issue to the school or do what you have to do?

    Take care

    Peeps no negative comments now .Thanks

    #35490 Report


    Perhaps have a chat with the school. See what the parent liaison ifficer suggests.

    It must be awful not having any money to have a meal at school. Your poor children . I can’t understand why any one would do this . Good luck and ignore the rotten response you reviewed from someone who has issues and have  comeon here to vent their anger and  theyseek attention because they think they know it all..

    #35493 Report


    I get what you are saying Rob, I really do. You are right, it is all wrong but if this is happening on a regular basis the main one who is suffering is your child. You know I’m not defending mum in all this but look past her and keep your eyes focused on your child, she is the one that needs the help in this situation, she is the one caught in the middle and powerless to fix it. I know it can be grossly unfair and wrong. My ex hasn’t contibuted for years and no intention of doing so but he travels the world, it’s all wrong but I have to do what’s best for my son just like you do for your child. At the end of the day your child needs a meal at school and if the parent who is supposed to make that happen isn’t doing so then it is going to fall to the other parent or your child goes hungry, that’s sadly the top and bottom of it.

    If you have any control over what is taken out for CM I would get in there and change the amount that goes out accordingly. If she or CM people take you to court over it you can tell the courts why you have done this. Mum would be shown in a bad light, perhaps she wouldn’t want that. The courts would take a dim view of her behaviour, may even reduce the amount you have to pay in CM.

    #35501 Report

    Rob in Leeds

    Thank you everyone for your replies

    Schubert, yes, the kids have been sent to school with no packed lunch and no money to buy lunch deliberately on numerous occasions – just with the instruction to “ask your Dad to pay”. If I have not then they have gone without, or as was my daughters case yesterday her friend bought her a biscuit for lunch.

    With my daughter having recently started high school where they pay with their fingerprint, if there are insufficient funds then they miss lunch & there seems to be no ’emergency lunch’ provision within the Parentpay system to prevent this. Her previous Primary School would not let the children go without lunch, they’d make the phone call directly to her mother or myself after having ensured the children had been fed.

    Sherima, the school conversation will happen, however I fear that this may escalate into something else and I’m quite expecting her to pull some other stunt as a consequence.

    Kath, absolutely the focus should remain on the children if only from one direction. It makes my blood boil to read about your ex, why is that the case, why would he not want to help support his son and how is it that it seems that he can get away with it?

    I pay the Child Maintenance directly to my ex so yes I could control what is paid, I suspect that would very quickly change though if I made any reduction to ensure that the children are fed at school. This of course would then come with an additional financial penalty to me as the CMS charge a fee for “collect & pay”. I’ll talk to the CMS again and clarify the consequences but I think I already know the answer. Court action against me as a result of not paying the “correct” CM amount to the receiving parent isn’t really attractive and in the meantime having them reach into my bank account to take what they want and when, and charge me for the privilege doesn’t appeal too much either.

    See what I mean about a biased system?!



    #35502 Report


    Hi Rob,

    My daughter’s school use a similar system but they do have the facility to provide food if there’s nothing on the parent pay a/c and then you pay back.

    I’d speak with the school ASAP. She isn’t always meeting your child’s needs as the resident parent.

    Your ex shouldn’t be behaving like this towards your children and I find it abhorrent that a woman who earns £60k and has a partner living with her will not provide food for her child on occasion .

    Please let us know how you get on

    #35511 Report


    Hello there,

    No. I’m not a ‘man hater’. Neither am I a ‘know it all’ . Thanks but no thanks.

    The situation seems to be that the kids in this instance are lacking food at lunch time.

    There may be various reasons for this one. And I’ve pointed some of these out. As has Greenfingers.

    As far as I understand the situation , the mum in question (who is not posting on here)

    has some issues with that. The reasons for those issues are unclear.

    They may be various issues.

    In my personal experience they might be:
    a) the child is  being bullied and their dinner money is being stolen. Worth thinking about.

    b) They have lost their dinner money as Greenfingers has said. or perhaps

    c) They are spending their dinner money on something else.

    Without speaking to the mum in question I would not wish to assume any of these issues.

    What is fairly certain is that the mum in question appears to be in charge of day to day educational issues including school.

    So surely, instead of projecting the issue onto me (and others) the father in question needs to have this dialogue with her, be supportive and find out what the reason is.

    Nothing to do with me people, and I do object to certain posters on here projecting.

    Responsible parents at least attempt dialogue with their other  halves.

    And as far as ‘knowing it all’ is concerned. I don’t pretend and never have to be doing that.

    However I do have life and parenting experience which is and has been of benefit to many on here, and

    yes, I have had the positive feedback.

    So sorry my opinions and experience don’t suit some people, but others find them very valuable.

    all best


    #35515 Report

    Rob in Leeds

    Not sure why I’m bothering to indulge you JJ darling with a reply but here goes.

    The kids don’t get cash money to spend at school – it’s an online system called Parentpay.

    #35516 Report


    Yes, I’m not sure why I’m bothering to indulge you either sweetheart.

    But here goes, Yes, I’m fully aware of what the school does. Re: cash, however if I’m not mistaken in this case one of the kids is 11.

    Most primary schools do not have the cashless system. As for secondary schools, cash or not, my DARLING – food is a currency to get bullied with.

    You know exactly what I’m saying. Kid’s get their food nicked at school for various reasons. Aske the head of any school.

    The point I was making , which you have no notion of listening to as you have already labelled me a ‘man hater’ and a ‘know it all’ is

    that there may be a bullying issue here which needs to be ruled out.

    Kindly refrain from insults

    thanks jj


    #35523 Report


    And by the way, being a responsible parent has a LOT to do with listening.


    #35524 Report


    Rob- have you had a conversation with your ex and asked her to explain her reasons as to why she feels she is justified in not providing food for her children? If I were you I’d be curious as to why she thinks this is ok! As someone else has said though, its not right she’s doing this, but you as the caring responsible parent will have to provide the money for their food one way or the other. Its not right and its not fair, but the bottom line is you want your kids to be fed. And just remember, your kids are well aware of the situation, and they will know that their dad did the right thing by them. It sounds like your ex is going to sabotage any kind of good relationship with her kids. My kids are still fairly young, and their dad isn’t great, financially or otherwise! But I cling on to the thought that one day they will be adults and they will see that I was the one who was there and tried my damn best for them. And that’s when their dad will reap the benefits of his actions.

    #35525 Report


    And by the way, in offering my opinion and expertise, I am actually trying to help you.


    #35526 Report


    Hello Emma,

    Sorry I may be wrong…however I really think there is a lot more to this situation than meets the eye.

    All best


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