Help, advice needed

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  • #19957 Report


    Hi, feel really nervous writing this. My husband moved out in Nov last year but we have been trying to work things out. We have a young daughter so he has been staying at the house a couple of times a week. One of the reason he said he moved out was because of my jealousy & insecurities however I have found out tonight he has been having an affair with the woman from work that I suspected. He swore on our daughter life he wasn’t. He didn’t have the guts to tell me, her partner caught them & contacted me.

    I feel so lost, angry & so many other emotions. I have spoken to the other woman, who has said it’s over & it was a mistake etc. Part of me is relieved if that’s the right word because I knew I wasn’t imagining it. I just feel like a complete fool. I feel so let down. Our daughter is already struggling, obviously she’s not going to know about any of this but is it wrong for me to want zero contact with him for a few weeks? I need some space away from him. Rightly or wrongly I feel like he has chosen this woman over our daughter.

    Just have no idea what to do

    #19960 Report


    Hi sezg

    I feel for you as I was in a relationship which ended 15 months ago due to infidelity and more.  I guess every case is different but for me, very similar to you, I only found out about an affair when the other woman found out and text my ex to tell her to leave her feller alone.  My ex then decided she better tell me before I find out another way.  After that, she lied and lied and lied about the amount of contact they had been having, that she wanted to end it, that she was planning to leave me and take the kids with her etc.  My family was my everything to me and I decided to try and work through it, obvoiusly with horrible thoughts running through my head daily and concerns about our two children.  For the next 4 months things seemed to get better and I actually found myself falling in love all over again.  Then I found out she was messing around again.  When I confronted her, she brokedown and talked about ending her life.  I had to stay and help, there was nothing else my conscience would let me do.  Got her to the doctor and to a councellor, things started to improve, then she stopped it all, started drinking and coming home being verbally and physically abusive.  Anyway.  In the end she left.  Hmmmm, how does that work.

    So what I would say to you is, I have been through a lot and a year or so on, after being through every emotion possible, I am finally feeling better.  Time in whatever way you use it, does heel and does allow you to think.  I would totally take the break you need to consider things.  Work on how you can be sure he isn’t still or wont do anything again.  My children also went through a lot of ups and downs so considering them is  a must.  My eldest of 12 now lives with me full time and my youngest of 9 half the time due to the way she has been and what she has done since.

    You do feel so let down by the person you felt you could trust with anything.  Your rock, your soul mate.  I too felt she chose men over our children.  He too swore on our childrens lives.  How can they!

    Take what time you need.  Your not in the wrong, he is.  If he still wants to be with you, he will do what you need.

    Always here to discuss if you wnat to.


    #19984 Report


    I think you need to have a frank discussion with your ex. Tell him you regard him with contempt for cheating and on that basis, you don’t want him in your home over night. He is welcome to see daughter as frequently but leave at bedtime.

    If there is no chance of you getting back together, make that crystal clear. Also point out that co-parenting only really  works if you can be honest with each other, and you’ve both got at least a decade to get through so he needs to stop acting like a prat.

    So sorry you are having to deal with this. Your instincts are spot on.

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