29 July 2018 at 9:07 pm #13967
im new to this and post may be a little long but id really appreciate any advice at the moment.
me and my ex were together for 8 years, we have an almost 2 year old baby girl together, we broke up about 3 weeks ago. We had been living with my parents to save money to get our own place north of england, i am currently in london.
I am working full time and he wasnt at the time, when we broke up he said he wasnt going to leave my mums house without our daughter, he wanted to take her away from me, god knows why. He took the breakup badly and maybe thought id change my mind this way. We talked through it and was decided our daughter would stay with me, as i have a house for her, am working and my mum can take care of her while im working. He went to the north of england where we were planning to move, to live with some friends. He got a job a few days later.
The idea was that once i saved up enough money id also move up there, get my own place, claim benefits so that my daughter could be near her dad, let me just explain that for me this is a huge deal, id be moving about 5 hours drive away from my family and friends, i know nobody there and id be alone really, but i was trying to think of my daughter.
Since then, its been hell. He is constantly messaging me, trying to control everything i do, makes fun of me, threatens me, accuses me of ridiculous things, when all ive done is try to keep the peace for our daughters sake. I hate drama and problems, i think we could resolve this amicably, however he doesnt seem to want to. He came over to visit our girl, my mum hesistantly let him stay at her house, big mistake. He acted like a child, was rude and was making my life very dificult.
He also at one point, called me when he was in the north, to say he was going to kill himself, and for me to promise id tell my daughter that he was a good dad and that he loved her. I was frantic, i called his friends there and was asking them to look for him as he was saying so and so, i was talking him out of it etc. But it was all done to manipulate me. He had no intentions of doing such a thing.
He is literally trying to make me go crazy, i am on medication for depression and he uses this againt me, says that i am not fit to be a mother because of this. I have done everything for our daughter, she was a terrible sleeper for her first year, not once did he wake up to help me. And i was also working at the time.
Anyway, now i am not sure if i should change my whole life for him. Why should i move there if he is just going to make my life a living hell?
Also, hes using my car thats in my name, i said when i move there i want the car back, and id be happy to give him his half that he paid at the time, now he says he wants more than that, he wants me to give him double that amount, because we had agreed he could use it sometimes and now iv ‘changed my mind’.
He says he will take me to court, that he wants custody of our daughter and that he will fight for her etc, i know all he cares about is to spite me. Unfortunately i wish he did care more about his daughter, but it doesnt seem to be the case.
now my family and friends are telling me not to move there, because he will try to control my life, just like hes trying to do now. And im starting to see their point, i wont have anyone to turn to, no family and no friends. But at the same time im just so heart broken that it has reached this point…i wish we could just be civil to one another and talk things through, but its impossible to speak to him when hes constantly trying to put me down and make me feel like shit.
please help, tell me what you would do in my situation? Would u try to get custody, would u move there or should i just stay put and get a place here? I really need advice on all this and sometimes its best to get an opinion from somebody who is not emotionally attached and can see things from a more logical point of view?!
Thank you sooo much if you are still reading <31 August 2018 at 3:43 am #14049
I just logged onto this site because I have been a single parent since I split with my partner 3 years ago. I have a 5 1/2 year old daughter.
When I read your post my heart broke for you. I completely understand how it feels to want the best for your child, which in a mothers eyes is to have their father as an integral part of their child’s life.
Reading your post, and having met mothers in very similar situations, I would absolutely suggest to you to stay where you are. Stay with your friends and family, and most importantly cut off ties with this man. He seemingly has the exact traits of an abusive manipulative personality, if indeed this is a true diagnosis, he will not stop and it will only get worse.
I totally understand that you want your child to know their father, but if he can not behave as a beneficial influencer on your child, you are doing the right thing to cut him out. Remember, no decision is forever, but it sounds like you need time to create your own situation which works for you before you think about allowing this man into your life – in any way.
Lots of love to you. You are strong and it is difficult for now, but stick to your guns and it will only ever get easier. I promise.
Good luck to you.3 August 2018 at 1:39 pm #14122
Hi. I used to be in your position. My ex told me I was a terrible mother, amongst a list of other things! Stay with your friend’s and family – if he gets you isolated, the psychological abuse will surely continue, if not get worse.
I live in the North and up here we have refuges for women. You can self-refer. Don’t be put off thinking you have to suffer physical violence or homeless to access these places. They can offer practical advice. Explain your rights. Guide you to a solicitor who specialises in these kind of cases. They’re invaluable. They can also accompany you to court if you need the support. I’m sure that sounds hideous to you with it being so raw, but please see it as a comfort. Nobody wants it to end up that way, but it’s good to know if it does, they can be there for you.
Good luck. Sounds like you’ve had a lucky escape, although it probably doesn’t feel that way at the moment.4 August 2018 at 10:47 am #14150
I am new to this site also and am a single mum of two.
You are in a very emotionally difficult place at the moment, and I have to agree with the other two replies. Stay put. Remain close to your family and friends. They can offer invaluable support and friendship which you will need.
It is is very difficult not to get dragged into an emotional drama, but try to focus on your child and your future life, not your ex.
He has moved, it was his choice, you do not need to follow him. Make sure you offer him time to have contact, though that will be difficult given the distance – perhaps meet halfway.
Try not to let him push you into a state of fear and anxiety (i’ve been there and it’s not a good place). He can really only take you to court if you are refusing to allow contact with your child. Speak to someone about drawing up a parental agreement for contact. Maybe the CAB or a women’s group could help with this. This may help him to calm down (or not depending on his state of mind) but in any case will demonstrate your willingness to support and maintain contact.
You are both working, your child is living with you, and you have a support network to help with childcare. Based on that I can’t see why a court (if your ex decides to go down that route) would change residence.
It is very hard when a relationship breaks down and your family is split apart and I really feel for you. It is never an easy option. Do your best to stay calm and focussed. If you feel overwhelmed seek some professional support. Counsellor for emotional stuff, and/or separating parent courses /advice groups for the practical advice. That might help.
I wish you all the best – look after yourself too, that is very important 🙂4 August 2018 at 1:41 pm #14153
Hey I was a victim of something very similar. I moved away from my family, but agreed to live with my daughter’s father. Three months in my depression was that severe that my family brought me back home and I was under the care of mental health services for years following. My daughter’s dad has dragged me through court on numerous occasions. The best way to protect our children is to provide them with stability. He is a manipulator, and this type of character will impact both you and your child.
If you decide to leave, do not forget that there is support available with a number of services.
All the best.9 August 2018 at 12:49 am #14310
Hello, so sorry you are going through this emotional upheaval. By the sound of it, it would not be nice for you nor your daughter to be around this man. Imagine her growing up thinking that it’s ok for Dad to treat Mum in such a bad way. This would make her more likely to find an abusive partner when she’s an adult. I know it’s difficult for you to choose the sane thing (to stay in London and ask for custody) because he is confusing you and gaslighting you. He obviously knows you very well and he is trying to wear you down so you will do as you’re told out of sheer exhaustion and to “keep the peace”. Unfortunately if you move up there he will never let you live it down that you tried to leave him and he truly will make yours and your daughter’s life difficult. If you can, try to resist his manipulation.
Best of luck.