20 February 2021 at 10:50 pm #49758
So – i have a really difficult situation and seeking as much advice as possible please…
I have a 1 year old little boy, the father and i were together until baby was 4-5 months old, he has a very poor relationship with anger which increased post birth, he would shout at me and become aggressive in front of baby. The father did not contribute to the basic care of baby while we lived together and left the home 8am returning at 7/8pm so i was very much a single mum. We actually lived with my parents as we found out as i was pregnant at 19 weeks so they offered to help. The fathers aggression became too much for the home that i sat down with him and tried to explain things needed to change- he chose to leave and blamed my parents. Following him leaving we eventually split up as the aggression continued.
Father originally has access to baby at my parents home 4 days a week, he messed me around, continued to be aggressive and used the time to beg for our relationship back. I put a stop to the contact because it was not easy for me and i was also due to start back teaching.
I put strong boundaries in place stating the father couldnt come to my home any more and i wasnt prepared to take baby to his as he was now living with his mother who is an alcoholic and where he smokes weed. He also couldnt have baby alone as in the 4-5 month he was with me never demonstrated basic parental capability. I offered mediation or straight to supervised access at a contact centre. We tried mediation and due to the levels of abuse (emotional and psychological), his substantially long violent criminal history and drug use the mediator filed a c100 for it to be taken to court. The father chose to neither take to court or arrange visitation but continued to be aggressive, make demands, turn up at my home, with hold child payments and make threats.
due to all of the above i now have a non molestation order on the father which only allows him contact regarding baby and if he is to see baby. The father following judge recommendation using a contact centre for supervised visitation.
the first 2 sessions baby was hysterical and incredibly distressed so i took legal advice regarding putting myself in the contact session so baby would feel more comfortable. Following a session with me in the room the baby is still distressed and getting extremely upset with father (which he doesn’t do with any strangers or anyone else). I have had to change contact from weekly to fortnightly for 1.5 hours instead of 1 due to how upset baby is.
Ive explained to father baby is distressed but he has said he wants his contact regardless. The father does not change baby in the hour nor bring changing bag, he doesnt know what the baby needs in that hour and despite telling him doesnt act on it. He simply wants to play with the child…genuinely believes taking care of a baby is easy!
The contact is also due to go on hold at the end of march as (to add to my situation) I am 28 weeks pregnant with our 2nd child. (Father knew since i was 10 weeks).
the issue i have moving forward – once next baby is born…how do i manage this contact? Or do i stop it?
Father doesnt want to play a REAL parent role and i have to be in the room for baby comfort and with newborn i will be breast feeding so makes it incredibly difficult, the non molestation is in place till July but obviously prevents him from coming to see newborn at my own home (which i wouldn’t feel comfortable with either).
he obviously wont have seen newborn so i feel torn to go ahead with contact as i fear his reaction to potentially not seeing newborn for a couple month due to recovery etc. But i also feel like the contact at the moment is no benefit to baby, im concerned how he will manage a new born and 15 month old and how i am going to manage the situation myself…i really have no idea what to do…
I have an independent dv advisor and have spoken with social services, health visitor and midwife and they generally thinks ive done more than my fair share for the father but i think i equally have concerns about not complying with father as court is terrifying…
If anyone can give advice please ?20 February 2021 at 11:04 pm #49760
is it possible to increase the time he spends with the child? 1.5 hours is not enough time for a child to develop a bond with the father. he will continue to seem like a stranger. sounds very difficult with arrival of 2nd child. in my situation when we had a new born, court just ordered her to give me a private room at her place for a short time, once a week.20 February 2021 at 11:08 pm #49762
i fully agree with that. The father believes he doesnt have to work for the bond as such…1.5 hours is all the contact centre can offer at the moment as they are booked up and there are no others in our local area open with Covid. The father equally doesn’t want more than 1-2 hours20 February 2021 at 11:26 pm #49764
I think Dad would be best off going back to contact center on his own supervised and if he wants to play a more prominent babies life in future a parenting course might be of great help. A dad with a baby been so young would need to be able to do bottle feeds, lunch/dinner and able to change/check nappy on a regular basis. I used to find walks in buggy used to keep young children content or even a little drive in car