Heartbroken and Confused
16 July 2019 at 11:50 pm #27741
This is really difficult for me to write.
I have been with my partner 13 months and 3 weeks ago found out unexpectedly we were expecting a baby. (We both have 1 child each from previous relationships)
Although it was unplanned my partner from day 1, expressed he wanted more kids and “he would be happy for me to come off the pill anytime and surprise him with a pregnancy”
I want to be really clear, this wasnt a planned baby.
A Few weeks ago, I shared the news with him he was ecstatic. Although we agreed not to tell anyone until 12 weeks, so it felt like there was no pressure on us. Yet he told his sister, mum, friend, dad and work colleague.
A week later he ended the relationship- it transpired that he has several CCJs and several debts that he has defaulted on. I offered to pay off his £6k debts so he could have a fresh start when the baby gets here. He accepted at first then said he couldnt let me do it. He said Althought he will stand by me and do anything for the baby. He said he loves me, but he cant give me or anyone my heart.
The night before I saw him pressing mute on a whatsapp chat to another girl, I told him what i had seen but didnt make a big deal as I’m find with him having friends.
I felt he was cold that night, and in the morning I asked him how he was feeling. He walked away with me in tears. I was so confused as he always instigated the “love yous” and was the one forward planning in the relationship.
I’m so confused and dont know what to do. I’ve not told anyone I’m pregnant, but my boss knows as I had a sick note for morning sickness. He said he will be a dad and although I sent him the date of the appointments, hes not acknowledge them or made any contact with me to see how I am.
I dont think I’m strong enough to be a single mum of 2 children. I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I’ll have two children by different dads. Alone. I work full time. I have a mortgage. I do have family but they have never been very supportive of me, as they see me as the “snobby” although I’m not, I’ve just worked so hard to be where I am. Now this. I feel like a failure. All I did was give give give but I didnt mind because I loved and trusted him with my world.
I’m struggling to get out of bed, i spend hours and hours crying. I just dont know where to turn.17 July 2019 at 1:34 pm #27823
Please don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed that you’re going to have 2 kids by 2 dad’s, you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, I definitely wouldn’t think negatively about a lass were I to meet them in your position so don’t beat yourself up for no reason.
I understand that you don’t feel strong enough to be a single mum of 2 but I feel that your underestimating yourself, you come across as someone with strength of character so I’m sure that your going to be fine.
No wonder that you feel confused after you offered your ex so much only for him to deceive you the way he has both with his debts and the girl, he definitely didn’t deserve you and while you probably don’t feel it at the moment he has probably done you a favour…you’re now free to meet someone in the future who will treat you the way you should be treated.
Keep posting as I’m sure that there are many people who will totally relate and who have been through similar situations and have come out the other side just as you will.
All the best
Mark17 July 2019 at 4:45 pm #27854
I’m sorry you are going through a difficult time. Please continue to chat with other parents here as I’m sure others will have been in your situation. It may also be an idea to talk this through with some professionals. The British Pregnancy Advice service have a helpline. They may be able to help you explore your options. Hope that helps, Justine
• British Pregnancy Advisory Service advises on the options and choices to make. Their number is: 0345730403017 July 2019 at 5:03 pm #27855
thank you so much for your kind words. I know I have to go on. And I’m trying to find my positivity but it’s hard when I feel so let down. I did actually call him today, as I felt I needed clarity for myself- he refused to come home and said he was “naive to think I would fall pregnant so quick” despite refusing to wear a condom as he wanted children yet when he was ready.
I think deep down, I know you’re right long term I will be better off without him but it feels so raw. Almost like hes left me to cope whilst his life goes on. I think deep down I’m really angry for him putting me in this position.
I returned to work today and I’ve just looked ahead at my future. It will be hard but I’ll do it for my kids because that’s what good parents do!
Thanks again for not reading and running!17 July 2019 at 6:18 pm #27858
It was very naive of him if what he is saying is true, I’m sorry to say that the much more likely scenario is that he doesn’t like wearing protection and was selfishly playing Russian roulette, when you fell pregnant he lost so has jumped ship leaving you to pick up the pieces. The fact he said for you to surprise him by coming off the pill absolves him of responsibility, he can now wrongly blame you which is pretty low.
You’ve given him every chance to man up and do the right thing even going so far as offering to pay off his debts so everything is pointing to the fact that he wasn’t being honest about how he felt about you. I’m really hating my words here as I’m sure that they are painful to read but I’m just saying how I see it from a blokes perspective and I hope what I’m saying will somehow give you the strength to not allow him to cause you further heartache.
I do have quite a lot of perspective in what you’ve said, I loath condoms myself to the point of it being a phobia and when I’ve been with girls that I loved I have also said the same thing as he did about the pill, the difference being is that I truly meant it, it wasn’t a game and I would of loved to have had more children with that particular girl, to me children are the most precious things in the world and so far I have only been blessed with one which I’ve given up a well paying business purely so that I could devote myself to being a good dad and be there for my son, this was many years ago and I don’t regret it one bit, I’m still a full time dad and my boy is 13. I’m only sharing this with you to show that what your ex has done is so very very wrong and that you deserve better.
As I said earlier keep talking here because you won’t be alone and the majority of people here can and will be very supportive. If ever you need a chat but don’t want say so on the open forum pm me.
Mark17 July 2019 at 7:38 pm #27859
Although reading your message is hard.. it is the reality of the situation.
He wasnt who I thought he was and now it’s for me to suffer the consequences of his actions. I have to be positive for my son. and I’ve lot 16lbs in the 2 weeks since he left. I need to prioritise myself and ensure unborn is well looked after.
I’m sucking it up, looking ahead because I have a clear conscious. Sad for him he wont be able to tell his child one day he did his best by me.
Onwards and upwards.
Thank you for a Male’s perspective… it shows men and women forever think differently and as women we will truly never understand men – but the wisdom I will take, is in the future look out for number one… because noone else will.17 July 2019 at 10:36 pm #27864
KB, 16lbs in 2 weeks is drastic, I’m quite concerned, I’m not sure how to advise with the weight loss as it seems way too much, I’m sure the moderators are keeping an eye on all the threads so I’m hoping that they can signpost you further.
On a different note I’m really pleased you’re looking ahead, it’s a good example of why I think that you have the strength of character to not only to be able to cope with 2 children but to thrive. You really are going to be ok.
You must always look out for number 1(after kids obviously) but I’m not sure that I agree that no one else will, I’m lucky that I have some wonderful people around that look out for me including my ex wife, my boys mum, we have a great relationship now but it’s not as lovers. You’re understandable hurt and angry but one day you’ll realise not all men are btards and that while we often think a different way it’s not always a negative thing.