He moved away – advice needed

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  • #16989 Report

    MissDW
    Participant

    Hi all

    I am at my wits end.

    Background; Ex-husband was a lying, cheating, narcissistic, control freak who i suffered for 15 years! I moved nearly 130 miles away from my family and friends after one of his affairs ‘to make things work’ ‘make him happy in a new job’ etc etc… Only to move and he cheat on me a few more times! He left his child from a previous marriage to move away all those years ago.  I finally left him nearly 2 years ago and am extremely happy with a new man.

    My ex husband previously had the children 3-4 nights per week when he lived locally. He has moved away to live with his girlfriend. He has stated from the date he moved, that he only wanted to have the kids alternate weekends. After travel time etc, he actually only has them for about 36 hours. So a massive change for them! I have requested that he see them in the weeks he doesn’t have them to stay over as they miss him. This was them saying this. I can’t stand him and dread him coming over to collect them. They are almost teenagers so hormones flying all over the place.

    I had to change my job as i previously worked shifts as a nurse and due to me now having the kids in the week, i can’t work long days or nights anymore. I’ve taken a 6K paycut because of this. I used to work my shifts around when the kids were at their dad’s house.

    My ex is now taking me to court on the grounds that i am refusing to do the travelling to either drop them off to his house or collect them. He lives 45 miles away, a journey which takes an hour and a half each way! I have already changed my job, taken a massive pay cut and now he wants me to reduce my hours even more so that i can drive the kids to him at weekends! He collects his daughter, from his first marriage, and drops her off alternate weekends but wont do the same for my two kids. He initially said that he has always done it for her, 11 years, so won’t change. I have been completely amicable in access arrangements and have basically given him everything he has asked for. He even has a spreadsheet until December 2019 with dates on! I added in to that dates for him to come and take the kids out after school for tea etc in the weeks he doesn’t see them. He informed me last week that he will be ‘removing these dates from the spreadsheet and will see the kids on an adhoc basis’ and will not be dictated to by me etc etc…

    Because i left him, he is very bitter and is trying to make things for me as difficult as possible. I am not entitled to any benefits or help with solicitors etc and i am defending myself in court as i cannot afford the representation.

    How is it fair that he can move around the country, away from his kids, and then expect me to do the running around to take them to him?! I don’t get it. The thing is, i want the kids to see their father, it’s healthy and they should have a relationship with him, it’s only fair. But why should i continue to pay for him moving. If i said black, he’d say white. If i suggest him having the kids an extra night, he will say no becasue i suggested it. It’s ludicrous.

    His solicitor must beleive he has a case against me because it’s going to court, which involves CAFCASS etc… It’s so unfair on the kids. And me! How can a man repeatedly move from his kids and expect the mother to run around after him! I’m so frustrated!

    His solicitor advised that we go to mediation but we cannot even speak without arguing so that was never going to work. He wants me to drive, i am refusing. How can we mediate on that? He gets so angry and i cannot speak to him. He also wanted me to pay for mediation too. Which i cannot afford. And i know i won’t give in to this so i see it as pointless.

    My ex is so competitive, it’s about the ‘win’, one upmanship, getting one over on me. It’s not about the kids.

    #16998 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    Ooh, this makes me so mad. It’s the oldest trick in the book.

    Firstly, if your ex moved away, it is up to him to collect his children, not for you to do the travelling for him. His solicitor is only saying you have to do it because he knows you don’t have legal advice and is trying to con you into doing it.

    secondly, you cannot make your ex see his children in the week. All you can do is make them available and he chooses whether to come along or not.

    Thirdly, access needs to be pre-agreed. He cannot have ad-hoc when he feels like it. No court will agree to that, because it means you cannot plan after-school activities etc.

    You need some legal advice to give you confidence if nothing else. Either find a solicitor who will give you 30 minutes free, and go with a set of pre-written questions. Or get an appt with Citizens Advice. DO NOT BELIEVE your ex’s solicitor. He is paid to work against you !

    #17017 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    Miss DW

    Our cases are similar in that we’re in the same profession, I chose to separate from my ex due to his unreasonable behaviour and he moved 80miles away. We’ve been through mediation (failed), and due to other reasons ended up in court recently for our final hearing. Cafcass were involved for my children too. In our case, Cafcass provided an opportunity for my children to say what they hoped their future to look like, where they would live and how often they would like to visit the other parent. My experience of Cafcass on the whole was positive. Whilst I appreciate that my ex moved away and I absolutely want no contact with him, he is still 50% of our children. I have absolutely no qualms about providing 100% of childcare 24/7 however, but it would break my heart if my children ever suggested I was the reason they couldn’t see their dad. For that reason, I have approached this with a degree of flexibility. So he will collect after school alternate Fridays (80miles) and will then return them to a point 25miles from my home at 6pm Sunday where I meet them to facilitate transfer back. He requested to change this in his favour (time/location) in court and the Judge said no. This will be the arrangement going forward within the CAO. I would suggest you ensure you are obtaining regular maintenance payments. After 2.5yrs without any, I filed an application with CMS and was pleasantly surprised to have my 1st payment within 3weeks. I would suggest if you able to compromise you are more likely to  have an outcome beneficial to you both, if you go to court it’s expensive and the outcome may/may not be the outcome you hope for. Good luck

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