Having problems with my 4yo daughter

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    Troubled_dad1360
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    Towards the end of last year i was contacted by Ss and was told my daughter (I didn’t even know she was my daughter at this point) had been removed from her mothers care due to allergations that her mother had punched my daughters brother in the stomach on the playground at their school her and her siblings were placed into different foster caring placements i immidiatly got in touch with a solicitor as the next day i was contacted was a court hearing anyway 6 months later a dna test and a lot of letters and supervised contact later My 4yo daughter came into my care and for the first month and a half it was going great she was her usual bubbly hyper self but now it’s like something has changed she’s constantly hitting me now I’ve never physically chastised her as it’s not something I believe in personally but instead I’ve removed items from her like her tablet and treats like sweets ECT and even got a reward chart. I’ve even sat down with her and explained that its not nice to smack people tried to find out what’s wrong with her but it’s like she just switches off and just stares and ignore me anyway tonight after her bath it was time to get her pjs on and she decided she wanted to throw herself on the floor and refuse so I tried to put 1 leg in at a time like I do My 1yo so she decided to sit there kicking me I eventually got her bottoms on and tried putting her top on when she decided she was going to stand there and slap and punch me in the face followed up by biting both my hands I just don’t understand why she’s acting this way.

    #56776 Report

    Cariad63
    Participant

    She’s 4 and trying to push borders / you. She will possibly have seen her mother behave in this way and no doubt misses her siblings. Maybe she even blames you for some of it who knows. Just let her know every minute of every day that she is loved and if you had known that she was your daughter that you would have been in her life from day 1.

    My daughter at 4 would have massive fights with the ex (her mother) about what to wear to pre-school, she is a tom boy so when I got involved I told her that she had 1 minute to chose what to wear or she would be going to ‘school’ in a dress (her one and only dress that she flatly refused to wear) she carried on so I put the dress on her carried her downstairs and put her in the car, I took her to school and I could feel her angry stare burning into the back of my head. She continued to fight with her mother every day but as soon as I got involved I’d get the dress out and tell her she had 1 minute to decide – worked every time, she got dressed in clothes of her choice in seconds.

    My point is, she is 4, trying it on and because of her early experience maybe a little more aggressive. But is it worth the fight to get her to wear the PJ’s, maybe take her shopping to chose night-ware she might love to wear or if she sleeps in the buff so what, its not the end of the world. There will be more important rules to take a stand on and no doubt she will push you on them as well. Well done for standing up and taking her into your home but it all sounds fairly normal considering to me.

    #56866 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    Hi troubled dad

    just take a step back and reflect on what you’ve done. You’ve come into the life of a 4yr old child that’s lived under the care of someone else with its siblings, in a different place for all of its life. This is a big change for your daughter and you too. You don’t have the benefit of being eased into this gradually, ‘growing’ with your child from birth allows to the master parenthood easier I feel, it makes the transition easier. I recall as a child myself that despite seeing my dad alternate weekends, he didn’t grow with me, because he was only present a short proportion of the time. Kids develop, change and grow so quickly.
    I’m conscious that you know this, but parenthood is a rollercoaster. It sounds like you’re invested in this relationship which is admirable as you didn’t know she existed. Kids need to know from us that we’re dependable, and whatever happens, we’ll be there. Your daughter at such a young age has experienced the loss of one parent, her siblings and her home as she knew it. Please be patient with her. At 4yrs old they like structure and routine. Most kids like to know what’s coming next and they’re learning that they can influence the actions and environment around them. She’s still very young. Try not to dwell on the difficult times unless they become a regular problem then these can be dealt with appropriately. Don’t lose perspective

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