Having my kid every weekend=knackered

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This topic contains 19 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  SingleT 3 months, 2 weeks ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 20 total)
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  • #22591 Report

    DaffodilDad
    Participant

    Hi,

    I feel a little bad about my topic as so many people seem to want their kids more. My ex expects me to have my boy (10) every weekend, she doesn’t listen to the point that I work 9-5 weekdays and get no time to myself or to weekend socialize.

    I can request the odd weekend off-with enough notice, if I’m working away, or want to get away, this happens about every 3 months.

    I feel bad asking for a weekend off, and sometimes get refused with the speech that my son needs to see me, and her new husband chips in until I just cave in. It can affect mine and my son’s relationship as I can get in a bad mood after these confrontations and resent that I cant go out and have to drive two hours every Friday after 5 to collect him.

    Has anyone any advice or similar situations?

    #22602 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    Why doesn’t  his mum want  quality  weekend time with her child? How old is your son? Does your son have additional /behaviouralneeds?

    A very simple change would be that they do either half of the travelling or all on some weekends.

    Do you pay via cms? If so then I would expect a reduction for travel –  contact them directly.

    Who moved away from whom?

    I would also perhaps look at building a calendar of contact where say it’s all planned and say one month a week is yours, well planned.

    Your other alternative and in some ways sounds more healthy for your child though possibly may appear contradictory is that you consider being the resident parent,  moving your son to you, so that your ex has every other weekend contact?  Yes you’d have to find wraparound care, but in some ways this would actually give you more downtime.

    #22609 Report

    DaffodilDad
    Participant

    He’s ten, no major behaviour issues. She moved out when she met someone else and I stayed in the home. I pick him up Friday and she picks him up Monday morning.

    I pay her child support directly, we arranged it. I’m not interested about seeking a reduction for travel.

    They are home educators, hence they have the kids during the week, and my son’s step sister visits her mum at weekends too.

    I have thought about him living with me, but he’d have to start school as I work.

    I’m  considering having a weekend a month planned in advance for the year, sounds like a good idea

    #22612 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    So you agree to the home education? What about moving forward?

    #22655 Report

    DaffodilDad
    Participant

    The Home Ed was something she decided and I went along with it. My son wouldn’t live with me as he doesn’t want to start school.

    I was wondering how other people’s schedules work out? I used to have him on Wednesday eve but they moved too far away for that.

    Is it unreasonable to ask for 1 weekend per-month? My ex will just demand I have him every weekend without compromise unless I go away with work.

    #22657 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    I have my son (10) all the time except for 8 hours on a Sunday when my ex looks after him but in my sitting room.

    I usually get a long weekend at Easter & 7 days at Xmas & in the summer holidays.

    I work full time and I found I cope much better if I am physically fitter –  so I now run at lunchtimes. Also make sure I take vit D and eat healthily.

    Do you have a very physical job? Why are you so tired if you have 4 evenings a week to yourself?

    #22662 Report

    DaffodilDad
    Participant

    That sounds like a lot Kathymumofone. I do enjoy my 4 evenings to myself, I miss the weekends though.

    Running is great, I’m also doing the same especially now the sun is shining.

    #22734 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    You’re not obligated to have your son every week.

    Ultimately home education is her choice and it’s a full on decision. She can’t then expect forever more that you’ll have your son so she can have couple down time.

    Quality down time with his mum is of equal importance for your son.

    Having one child free weekend a month is not unreasonable and tbh in your position I’d be asserting that had she not chosen to relocate so far away there would have been less of an issue, so she needs to accept responsibility for the consequence of her choices re location and home education.

    Fwiw I have my child full-time with no breaks at all. So I do feel exhausted in the evenings and don’t get much down time for me at all in between household chores, work, school run, community volunteering and weekend activities that my child wishes to participate in. My little bit of me time is a Saturday morning when I let my child watch morning TV for an hour! 😋

    #22769 Report

    SingleT
    Participant

    Hi DaffodilDad

     

    I’ve literally just joined this site and read your post. Me and my ex have a ‘schedule’ which he devised to suit himself. But it’s actually quite useful.

    My son lives with me and we do it in advance of a school term. I now tell me ex what days I want him to have our son and in the main he agrees. My son is older (15) and on occasion has said he doesn’t want to go to his dads on an arranged night and that’s ok.

    when it first happened I had friends round and we sat in the garden with a glass of wine. Maybe you could do that? Gives your son some independence but you’re still there for him. Just a thought.

    I’m 16 months into this now and what I do know is my son sees me as his stability…. his go to when he needs support, and that has been worth the nights in. It won’t last forever.

    One other thought…. could you adapt your working pattern to have a Friday off therefore the Thursday night becomes your night?

    Stay positive. Hope some of my ramblings helped x

    #22811 Report

    DaffodilDad
    Participant

    Hi SingleT, Solomummy, and all who have replied,

    Thank you for your posts, it is just lovely to know that I’m being heard. SingleT, your schedule sounds inspiring and I’ve started to write out dates for the summer-I’m usually very bad at planning and very good at impulsive last minute. The wine in the garden is a good idea, I do have a lovely space, just need to build up my friendship circle who will visit me at weekends, it’s difficult finding other parents with kids the same age as mine since he’s not in school and not based in my area, so many of my friends are single, so my son ends up bored and turns to the dreaded video games (a hot topic for another post I’m sure!).

    I could adapt my work, tbh, I’m not ‘knackered’ at weekend, I just want some time to myself, and chance to go out occasionally at weekends in the evenings (I do go out mid-week and appreciate that time-but I do miss gigs and other weekend stuff).

    My biggest issue is tackling my ex, she is very assertive, and both her and her husband but forward that I must have him every weekend as he needs me. Although I am assertive and successful in my workplace, when my emotions are pulled and my son is possibly used as an emotional pawn, I back down and feel I don’t get heard. I will produce a paper schedule and put this to them where I get a weekend off every two of three months. Watch this space!

    #22841 Report

    SingleT
    Participant

    Daffodil Dad

    I think you are living the male version of my life! My ex and partner dictated to me what to do. I am also assertive in the workplace but crumbled at this. I think a combination of what I was facing, the emotions of my son and 2 against 1 all contributed. So as hard as it was, when dealing with my ex I stripped my conversation of all emotion. I talked fact only, dates times etc and never made it about me as that’s the one thing he didn’t care about. Everything I presented him with I put a spin on how our son would benefit. If he then disagreed, he’d look like a bad dad. And it helped me too as I wasn’t getting caught in the trap of why doesn’t he care and upsetting myself. I’d vent afterwards to friends. And it drove him insane which was an added bonus 😜

    Also, be honest with your mates. Women are much better at talking to each other, but I have male friends who, once they understood it wasn’t because I didn’t want to go out they were great and came round to mine.

    My schedule is due to end at Easter and me and my friends are already making arrangements so I have dates to present to my ex. It makes me feel in control of my life and that helps too. Happy to share a copy to give you an idea. Whatever I can do to help x

    #22846 Report

    DaffodilDad
    Participant

    Thank you SingleT, I have sent you a PM.

    #22847 Report

    SingleT
    Participant

    Hi just seen it. Replied x

    #22848 Report

    welshdad
    Participant

    Hi,

    When I first separated it was a case of seeing my son every weekend as this is what she wanted.  I had offered to have him with me but she was adamant she wanted him to remain with her and so this is how it was for a while.  People used to always tell me that it was unfair as I was working midweek and had no time to meet anyone else etc at weekends whereas her weekens were free to do as she pleased, and also she would say that me having him at weekends was depriving her of quality time with him, so it was a no-win situation really when all I really wanted was as much contact as possible.

    Few years down the line and now our arrangement is every other weekend, and I have him two evenings midweek also and this works really well as the quality time with him as she calls it is shared, and having that block of two days to do stuff is really valuable as you know but you also appreciate it more when it’s every other and tend to make more of an effort to do things and go places etc.  Also to be able to look after two evening during the week helps as you tend to get involved then with the school more, doing the school run etc whereas beforehand it kind of felt as an outcast of sorts or kind of distanced.

    I know for some this arrangement is a bit idealistic especially if things aren’t amicable but having done both I am definitely finding this works best as does my ex but most importantly my son as he sees it as balanced and fair (his words).

    Hope you find an arrangement that works for you, happy to talk if you like just PM.

    #22891 Report

    DaffodilDad
    Participant

    Thanks WelshDad,

    that’s a good point you make about how your son sees it. I don’t live close enough to do the mid-week thing anymore (since she moved out and then further away).

    I’ve had the offer of a babysitter for this Saturday who will stay in the spare room, so I’ll get some time out any about. Talking babysitting, does the forum think £20 an eve or £25 to stay over is a fair price for a 16 year old babysitter?

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