Having a bad evening! My heart is breaking.

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  • #26829 Report


    My ex dropped my daughter off (an hour late) this evening after spending the weekend at his and she was clearly upset. She had had a bit of a stressful day and was close to tears anyway, she was also upset about coming home. I hate seeing her upset it breaks my heart, she feels I am the cause, as he makes a scene out of asking mummy if he can spend time with her (I try put down rules which he seems determined to push, so I get labelled as the bad guy). When it came to bed time, she had a massive tantrum about brushing her teeth. I am trying to be as consistent as possible so stood my ground while she bawled and shouted at me. Then she said that Daddy didn’t make her do things, and the bit that broke me she said ‘Daddy loves me now he didn’t used to care about me but now he loves me, he doesn’t shout and argue at me anymore’. I wanted to lay and cry next to her, I explained that he always loved her and that I also would always love her. Eventually I managed to get her and her baby sister to sleep much later than I would like. I don’t know what to do I don’t know who to turn to for help, her school recently cut her SEN assistant, I am glad she now feels loved, and I am so relieved he is not berating her the way he used to (it was a big factor in our seperating), he can be manipulative and selfish and I am so worried that it won’t end well, I want to make sure she is supported and limit the damage. I don’t know if I should talk to her teacher tomorrow and see if the school can put us in touch with someone or provide some sort of counciling for her (they have made huge cutsrrecently) or if I should contact one of the charities, she is very young (infant school age) . I am worried that he will loose interest again, or start shouting at her, not to mention damaging her self esteem. At the moment he is playing the injured father, kicked out while I am the controlling, selfish ex who is trying to stop him seeing his kids (something I have never actually threatened but regularly get accused of). I love my kids and I would do anything for them to keep them healthy and safe and emotionally protected, I just don’t know how to do that at the moment.

    #26831 Report


    Hi, I am recently separated, and have been looking into counselling for my children as well. I spoke to the school and the health visitor (primary school children) and they have directed me to the school nurse as it is one of the school nurse remits to help support the emotional well-being of the children they cover. I am still waiting to hear back from the school nurse, but that is where I would go in the first instance, or speak to your GP to see what services are available / they would recommend, as there may be something you’re unaware of that they could direct you to. Hope that helps.

    one of my children mentioned a couple of days ago that they wished is was mummy at home instead of me; this was in retaliation for me asking them to do something they didn’t want to do (chore based). I took it with a pinch of salt mostly but it does cut a bit still. The older ones have mentioned that I have become more ‘shouty’ as well; I don’t believe I have, again this is due to me being the primary discipline person now, (if that’s even a phase).

    It sounds a bit cliche, but I’m sure you are doing a great job! Thoughts are with you and I hope things work out ok!

    #26848 Report


    Hi Bombina,

    I’m the mum of 3 children, 2 have very complex needs.

    Can I ask why your little ones support worker at school has been withdrawn. Does your child have an EHCP?

    Please feel free to pm me

    #26884 Report


    Hi Bombina,

    You may also find it helpful to see the following information about sources of support for children and young people. I hope that’s useful.



    #26953 Report


    I’m really glad it’s not just me going through this . Read this and thought this is me when my son returns on a sunday evening . More often than not Sunday night in bed and I have a tear running down my face and I feel utter shit !! And according to the ex it’s all my fault and none of hers !!

    #26957 Report


    Could you both agree to set nights/ times to avoid conflict when organising his contact? At least the lines of communication are open? It’s hard not knowing what has happened when they’ve not been with you as well isn’t it.

    #26961 Report


    She doesn’t have an EHCP, the school have been making cuts and we have been told its too early for any diagnosis (she is very bright but has trouble with emotional regulation). I spoke to her teacher who organised a session for her with a learning support assistant, which seems to have helped, we also sorted a calendar and filled in what would be happening each day, which she really enjoyed doing hopefully it will help. I have put my foot down again (with a lot of argument) and asked that we organise everything a couple of weeks in advance (it should be the same pattern every week but it never quite seems to go that way). I have been trying to keep as much of the communication between us on messenger and set up a shared calendar. Everything just feels a battle at the moment, and I am trying not to quiz my daughter on what has happened, because I don’t want her to feel interrogated but I also don’t feel equipped with the know how on how to respond to some of the things she says as I never know whether its wishful thinking or something she has picked up, or something some one has said to her. Everything is my fault too!

    #26979 Report


    How has the school been funding her support? School action/plus?

    Is your child accessing the curriculum in the same way as her peers?

    Re diagnosis, you can start this process off yourself. Visit GP and ask for referral.

    In the meantime, get as much evidence together. Don’t take no for an answer.

    Good luck and let us know how you get on!!

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