Handing over child benefit to dad

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  • #41335 Report

    I’ve just come out of an abusive relationship. We have one son together and I am pregnant. I work and he does not. He wants 50/50 care and I have offered him to have our son whilst I work (3 nights/days one week and 4 nights/days the following week). He is not happy about his as he feels I am ‘using’ him for free childcare. He wants our son either the days I don’t work OR for me to agree to him claiming the child benefit for our son. I am going through mediation but I know this issue will be raised.

    Can anyone help me with a list of fors/againsts please?

    Please also bare in mind my ex is very unreasonable, coercive and controlling and is unlikely to be amicable over arrangements so I need to make sure everything is black and white.

    Thank you 😊

    #41345 Report


    I’m sorry but he’s being completely unreasonable and controlling , so he expects you to never see your son basically as you obviously won’t see him when you work and won’t see him on your days off, maybe he should get off his ass and work!! How old is your son? He also can’t expect this for new baby as well (if babies obviously his) it’s too much time away from mummy quite honestly and don’t hand over your child benefit, making if he actually went and earned money he would have some, you keep your child benefit!!

    #41346 Report

    Yes he has been controlling all the way through our marriage so it’s no surprise he’s still trying to keep control.

    Ive said no to him having him when I work because as you said I’d never see him. Last week I offered him contact every day I went to work (four times) and he either declined or ignored my messages. Saturday night he sent a message asking to have him for the evening. I’d been at work all day Saturday and not long got in. I said no as it was my time to see our son. I offered him contact for Monday (tomorrow) as I’m working. He accepted and then later said ‘can’t do tomorrow. Sure you’re covered’.

    I am really hesitant to hand over child benefits to him as well. It would designate him ‘primary caregiver’ and give him even more control. He’d also be able to claim child maintenance as I’m working. It doesn’t sit right with me but I’m trying to see where I stand legally.

    I’m going to mediation but I’m not sure how far I’ll get or whether he’ll even stick to any arrangements!

    I’m struggling to know what to do or where to go. The abusive relationship has left me with low self-esteem and low confidence in my ability to make good decisions. He always said I’m rubbish at everything from being a mum to cooking to finances. I am beginning to recognise when he is trying to coerce or control me. It’s hard.

    Thanks for replying x

    #41347 Report

    Sorry just realised I didn’t answer all your questions. Our son is 3 next month. Baby is his (although he disputes it even though I’ve given him no reason to).

    He’s never consistently worked whilst we’ve been married and now is signed off for mental health issues. He refused to let me work instead of him because ‘it’s not manly’ and he ‘didn’t want to be a househusband’ etc but I put my foot down and got myself a job after his refusal landed us in £7000 debts with basic living costs such as energy/water etc and we ended up queuing up with druggies to get food handouts from charity and using food banks to feed my children (I have 4 older ones that aren’t his). He’s always resented me since. He moved into a flat and refused to look after the children or even cook their tea whilst I was at work etc. His biggest complaint now is that I have money and he doesn’t!

    Its such a long and complicated story I could go on for hours 😬

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