Grandparents have my 11 year old. Mental health problems. Help please.

Home Online forum Gingerbread Forum Grandparents have my 11 year old. Mental health problems. Help please.

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    Cabbage
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    I have been on my own with my children over 3 years now.  It hasn’t always been easy, but we have done ok and the children have thrived.  Long story short, I have struggled with my mental health for a long time.  After a scary wobble, got referred to the MH service, they think I have bipolar 2 and are medicating me for that.  I feel I have been more stable as a result, am working 30hrs a week and not loving being on my own, but managing.  Ups and downs, obviously, but things have been ok.  My 11 year old has always been stubborn and determined.  I think this is the 5th time she has refused to see her Dad for an extended period.  I have never pushed her to do something she doesn’t want to and have made the mistake of making sure she has nice times when not there, so doesn’t feel punished for not going.  My Parents do the childcare while I work shifts.  They had the children while I worked through Covid and the Schools were shut.  So, I have had a really tough time recently with my 11 year old.  She has been full of drama and hormones, absolutely run me ragged.  One night crying her eyes out that I wasn’t still with her Dad for hours and hours, the next ‘coming out’ to me very publicly with lots and lots of hype, the next telling me I was absolutely amazing, the next hideous as I had broken up the Family by leaving her Dad.  It went on like this and I found it incredibly emotionally draining and it knocked my mental health as I felt I was getting so much wrong with it all coming like a machine gun out of nowhere.  I had some time as annual leave and ended up being glad to go back to work as home was so difficult.  My 12 year old Son has been absolutely fine throughout this.  I was back to work for 3 days, while the children stayed with my Parents due to my shifts.  I went to collect them afterwards and my daughter would not make eye contact, seemed scared to come in the room and, through my Mum, said she didn’t want to come home.  My Mum had already arranged a sleepover for my Son, without my knowledge, so he didn’t come either. I have been on annual leave for a week, to spend some time with the children before School starts. My Son came back the day after, my daughter refused.  She has totally frozen me out, barely replies to my messages, has hardly seen me and certainly won’t come home. I found out today from her that she has agreed to stay with my Parents permanently.  They say that she says I scare her with my anger, am poorly and grumpy all the time.  This is not the case, at all.  My 12 year old totally refutes it too – says I’m only as grumpy as I normally am(!) and anyone would get cross with her the way she was being.  I have spoken to my MH Team, who say I am doing really well and are as supportive as they can be over the phone.  They made a joint call with me to Childrens services for advice, but unless I have concerns for my Daughters wellbeing, they say they can’t do anything.  And she clearly doesn’t want to come home, though I believe my Parents have really encouraged her staying there, they are even collecting a puppy on Friday that they have taken her to see 3 times already.  They have tonight told me they are worried for her wellbeing, she feels unsafe with me, that they need to protect her. I need to change my behaviour and stabilise my mood.  No-one seems concerned for my 12 year old in all this… He, the MH Team, my work and myself feel I am more stable since the medication.  My Mum says it is making me worse, fuelling her needing to protect my daughter.  What can I do?  I have googled it and I can make my Parents apply for an order, but that wouldn’t be the best thing for my Daughter.  I am heartbroken, we have always been so so close.  I haven’t managed to tell her Dad yet.  She is behaving with me like she did with him this last time she said she wasn’t going to see him anymore.  Her reason for that was that he was always cross, grumpy and they never did anything fun.  My Son says this is absolutely not the case, but she deliberately tried to wind him up., which he reacted to at times.  Seems she is doing exactly the same to me.  Does anyone have any advice?  I saw her today, but she won’t let me see her tomorrow or take her for her first day at High School.  I have my Son with me, thank God.

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