Grandma lied to the police

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  • This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by Betzy.
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  • #46356 Report

    Freda567
    Participant

    Hi

    Im just asking how others would get over this hurdle.

    my ex decided not to see his daughter a long time ago and refused mediation. He has been abusive via messages, calls etc and I blocked him over 12 months ago.
    a couple of months ago I was collecting his mum so she could see her granddaughter this is a regular thing. Even with Covid and lockdown I’ve sent her videos and photos daily to help her through the time she didn’t see her plus phone calls and video calls.

    anyway he came out of her house, opened the car door where our daughter was sitting and was very threatening and aggressive towards me. My daughter had nightmares and still speaks about it now (Shes 3). I called the police and they said he’d be charged with a public order offence. Problem is grandma gave a statement and lied to the police saying he wasn’t aggressive or threatening at all, he just spoke to his daughter who I have stopped him seeing. To say I was angry is an understatement! I only got the outcome this week

    I don’t want to stop contact but I feel very betrayed and let down! I’m not sure how I will be able to even look at her. She protected a man that decided to drink and drugs were more important than his daughter and he doesn’t give a hoot about her relationship with her granddaughter! I’ve spent 20 months going out of my way for her and my daughters relationship.
    how would you del with this? And get over it?

    #46357 Report

    warwickshire1
    Blocked

    I am sure grandma loves her grand daughter very much.  Grandma has been seeing grand daughter for nearly 2 years and i would continue it . She was placed in a awkward situation as its her son. What was she suppose to do  seeing as its a family member? I would however next time you were to arrange contact with nan that she makes sure her son isnt present so there isnt a repeat of what happened last time.

    Is there no chance you can indirectly give daughters dad a chance , maybe nan could supervise it or something or mediation.

    #46358 Report

    Freda567
    Participant

    She was placed in a awkward position, but lying to the police was the wrong thing to do. I’m not going to stop contact but how I get passed the betrayal is going to be difficult. I don’t talk to her about her son as her time with her granddaughter, is her time. But I need to address this and not sure how?

    There is absolutely no chance, of  giving him a chance if he won’t take the right steps to see her ie court. He refused mediation. I won’t use our daughter as a carrot, I did that for 18 months at the beginning and it was awful. This man was only at his mums house recovering after he got badly beaten for not paying his drugs bill. And asking someone who lied to the police to supervise (Maybe through fear of him), doesn’t sound like a good idea. Any contact needs to be in a professional setting, possibly with regular drugs testing in place.

    #46363 Report

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hiya,

    You’ve bent over backwards for your ex’s mother. For others to say that Nana was put in a difficult position is worrying.

    Your ex’s use of drink and drugs is concerning.

    If you’re happy for Nan to see your child, could it be supervised at a children’s centre?

    #46365 Report

    chubbybrown
    Participant

    Why on earth is a grandma over 65 more than likely going to pay £50 a hour to be supervised at a childrens center. She has no reason to be supervised as shes been seeing her grand daughter for last 2 years practically. Her claims about ex partner if factually correct would indeed cause concern and yes he would have to be supervised.

     

    #46367 Report

    Freda567
    Participant

    I completely agree chubbybrown I wouldn’t want it to be supervised contact with her nan.
    I just really need advice on how to talk to her about this, without loosing my cool completely! I have never spoken to her about anything regarding her son as I don’t think it’s fair. But after this I feel she has been fed all sorts of lies. Why else would she lie?

    currently we’re in lockdown and she isn’t in my bubble and won’t be over the festive period. Which in a way gives me time to think, but I really need to address this. She did message the day I heard the outcome, wanting a video call and I said no, after you lied to the police I need time to calm down. Ive had no reply.
    I’m angry, as I have gone above and beyond. I’m on a low wage at the moment and have been since I went back to work, working hours around childcare. prior to lockdown we used to meet for a coffee/lunch and I’d alway pay every other time costing between £40-£60 a month depending on where we went. due to her health conditions and avoiding any unwanted contact with her son (him showing up at hers unannounced), after lockdown 1 eased she came to mine but she hates it, it’s rural and she’s a townie. I also do all the driving, It’s a lot of cash when on a low income and now I feel begrudge paying for her to see her granddaughter, when the son she lied for only pays maintenance when he feels like it
    I think what’s going on in my head is…. why should I make such a huge effort for someone who lies to the police? Should I tell her you can see your granddaughter but I won’t be bending over backwards and forking out £40-£60 a month plus petrol for you to do this? You’ll need to come to mine and that’s it.
    If a friend did this to me, the friendship would be gone forever! But this is a grandma and her granddaughter and I’m desperately want them to continue there relationship without me feeling like I have mug tattooed on my forehead

    #46373 Report

    Betzy
    Participant

    Hello what a lot for you to carry round. I think if you break it down.
    Dad is vulnerable because from what you say he puts himself in dangerous situations and you have kinda said this situation is to dangerous for him to have contact and keep your child safe.
    Granny has lied and you can’t change that   It takes a lot of energy to figure out why people do stupid things. and that energy needs to be used for you and your child.
    you have not said once that you want to stop granny from seeing your child but maybe it’s time to let granny take responsibility over her own actions. You’ve said your wages are low, well this money now has to all go on your child and you and granny can still see you both but it’s just the terms of that agreement has to change.
    if your able to I’d have a get to gether with her alone first so you can have a very open conversation about how her lying made you feel.
    take care.

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