Going through separation- what impact it will have on my 10 and 14 years old

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  • #35034 Report

    Lilika20
    Participant

    Hello all,

    After 20 years marriage, my husband come out of the blue and said he wanted out, that he is not happy on our marriage anymore. I think he is  going through depression but have also recently found out he is talking to someone he met abroad on a work trip.
    We had a solid relationship, with no arguments or major issues, just the normals ups and downs any marriage go through so I know my kids will probably be in shock when we tell them we will be separating.

    My 10 years old son is currently entering puberty and already a hormonal mess. He will also be changing from primary to secondary school in September and now we will be adding another change in his life. I’m super worried about how he will cope!
    My husband is still living at home, as we have agreed not to tell the kids until we know 100% what is going to happen (when he will move out-where will he be leaving-etc…)

    I’m keeping it amicable for the sake of my kids, and So far my husband is talking things through with me maturily and I hope it will stay that way. He says he doesn’t want to fight and wants the best for the kids.

    How/when would it be best to tell them? Should we prepare them slowly? Anyone out there with kids similar age that went through this? How did they cope?
    Thank you for any help in advance

     

    #35044 Report

    Nikki79
    Participant

    Hi, sorry to hear this.

    I was in a similar situation almost two years ago and now divorced. Grass always seems greener on the other side for some! Have you discussed about a trial separation? Just to make sure? It’s good that you are trying to keep things amicable as this does help when it comes to the children and how they will cope. I said to my ex once the kids are told there is no going back. My advice is, until you are 100% sure your marriage is over, there is no reconciliation and he is definitely going, I wouldn’t say anything to the kids just yet.

    However, without sounding harsh, I would get some legal advice now, if he is adamant things are over and he wants to go, things start off amicable but that can swiftly change when it comes to assets and finances. Money can bring out the worst in people especially when they realise they can’t just walk away from responsibilities.

    If you have evidence he has been cheating make sure you have some solid proof too, just in case you need this later on, this could massively impact your divorce (if you go through one) and any financial agreements between yourselves. You need to prepare yourself, without scaring you, it’s a long rocky road and you need to think about yourself and your children and how you will support them financially as well as emotionally. This will be a difficult time, but get as much advice as you can from all aspects as once the ball starts rolling there are a lot of things that need to be sorted out.

    You will be amazed how children can cope, without a doubt its hard for everyone, my two are now 15 and 10 and have managed really well, life is as ‘normal’ as it can be for them now but we did keep them out of the whole divorce side and anything that got messy. Yes they got upset at times, but when the time comes they need to know that you are there to talk too if they need to, they only have to be told information on a ‘need to know’ basis and the worst thing to do is bad mouth the other parent, no matter how much they hurt you or what ever they have done.

    We were friendly to each other as much as could be in front of them during our separation and divorce, which helped them process it all. And you’ll be surprised (in a sad way) how many of their friends are in the same or similar position. Kids believe it or not do talk to each other and offer each other support.

    My advice is make good arrangements for visitation, stick to routines and try and keep as much as you can the same as it is where possible. Maybe draw up some sort of rota or agreement with regards to the children until the legal side starts.

    The most important thing is to look after yourself too!

    Wishing you luck and hope things work out ok for you x

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