Girlfriend won't let me see my baby, wants to be on mortgage but doesn't work
31 January 2018 at 1:09 pm #7290
My girlfriend of 5 years has recently had our first child, but since then all hell has broke loose. Our new build apartment was still not built when the baby was born so we moved into her parents house, all was fine for about 3 weeks and then my girlfriend and I argued, I left the house and her mother text me abusive messages saying how tight I am (because when my gf asks me what have I done I say I’m buying our house and paying everything for it) – meanwhile my gf’s mother doesn’t own her home, she rents.
I told my girlfriend I’d buy our home as she hasn’t worked for over 2 years and that putting her on the mortgage wouldn’t work as the bank wouldn’t borrow me the money for the home (I now have 2 dependents so this is why along with my gf having no income). My gf then demanded she is on the mortgage and has 50% of the home as hers, in writing. I explained I can’t do this due to the banks etc but she will not move in with me because the house “wouldn’t be hers” although I am the one paying the deposit, monthly bills, food and everything else. She has £0 income. I want to buy this house as it’s a nice area with good schools.
I will not go into my gf’s parents home after what her mum said to me, she said much worst things than the “tight” term, she also said her daughter and my child don’t need me and will be fine without me, along with a lot of abusive language. She won’t talk to me either and won’t apologise. My gf is living in her parents home with 4 other people and a baby in a 2 bed semi-detached house. It’s not fair on my child.
My gf will also not bring my child over to my parents house (where I’m currently living until the mortgage is exchanged) due to her and my mother falling out 6 months ago (despite them making up since) and the fact my parents haven’t visited the new baby much at her home – this is because they know what she can be like and her mother, they don’t like them. My grandmother is sick and in pain with her bones and I want to take my baby round regularly to see her and cheer her up but my gf doesn’t want to do so, she thinks she can make her own way to her (despite my grandmother having walking difficulties, weakness and the fact she’s 87 years old).
I feel like my girlfriend (gf) isn’t been reasonable at all and I can only see the relationship going one way… Ending.
When arguing my gf also mentioned not letting me see my child for more than half a day every 2 weeks and not putting my name on the birth certificate. I am looking into solicitors if this goes that way.
I want to hear people’s thoughts on whether my gf deserves to be on the mortgage and if she’s been very unreasonable/spiteful?31 January 2018 at 6:47 pm #7296
Tbh you’d be a fool to put on the mortgage in any capacity. Especially given she’s not come ribbing at all. That’s not to say that as the mother of your child she’s not contributing but you know what I mean!
The birth certificate, legally she doesn’t need to include you in the process. That is effectively to safeguard the mother and baby initially if not married. This means that by not naming you don’t have automatic parental responsibility so if you for example chose not to return the child the police would intervene and return the child to the mother as it would be deemed abduction, but if you were named then the police could advise you to return the child but couldn’t force you to and the mother would need to apply for an emergency child arrangements order stating that the child is resident with her.
So initially I’d say appease her and try to be amicable.
But if she decides not to add you, you’re still eligible for contact and required to pay maintenance. And you can get a dedicated by going to court, very simply and you’d be added and granted parental responsibility. It’s just a pain. However you can see it does safeguard the mother and baby.
The situation with your and her mother sounds very tit for tat and a little soap operay!
You could go down the route of perhaps meeting her on neutral ground and trying to thrash out the issues.
- Her wanting by the sounds of it to have financial gain into the property sounds incredibly calculated as without being harsh, more relationships fail than succeed and she’s got her golden egg there!
- Her mother influencing the situation
- Both of you needing to apologise and move on acting like grown ups re one another’s mothers, whether you like it or not for your relationship to work you probably need to resolve this
- Parity of opportunities for both families to see baby
- Threats need like it education contact need to stop. Especially as her assertion is very outdated and she’d be effectively handing over her newborn to you more like three times a week for an hour or two initially, increasing once baby is weaned, then increased to full days moving towards overnights at around the two year mark. In black and white that’s not quite so attractive
- You need to discuss how she’s going to have an income source if you live together, be it part time work, benefits, child benefit etc. So she has some financial independence. I’d also say that you need to be honest about if you think at a certain point she should work to contribute towatds the ruuning of the home.
It sounds as though you’re been dating for five years, but perhaps haven’t really yet moved mentally into living together.
Hope it all works out.14 February 2018 at 10:22 pm #7670
She wouldn’t pass the mortgage affordability tests I’d imagine. Me ex and i bought a house 11 years ago. At the time we were married but he had been blacklisted for bad credit – this was done wrongly and was eventually corrected but not in time for the mortgage application. He wasn’t able to be named on the mortgage so the loan was in my name. He wasn’t too happy and we were told that once the mistake was corrected he could be added back on for a fee. We were on a fixed deal so were also advised that it would be cheaper to wait til we remortgaged to a new deal to get him on the new mortgage rather than incur fees adding him on. We drew up a contract with the solicitor stating his rights to the property (but as a tennant not owner as he couldn’t be on the mortgage so not on the deeds). Never thought anything more.
Fast forward 2 years, fixed deal finished, housing crash leaving the property in negative equity. No chance of a remortgage now as loan to value was too much. So he was not able to be put on the mortgage. Kept same mortgage but on standard rate. Couldn’t afford fees to have him added.
Fast forward another few years and we split up. House still in negative equity but in my name. I’m now working part time earning about half i did when i took the mortgage. House with a good £15-20 less that it was bought for still and in need of some work. No chance of me selling it, but with my wage, tax credits and small amount from him i can afford to pay the mortgage. He just walked away and has claimed no responsibility for the debt on the house as its in my name. He had other debts and we had a shared loan so all the was divided, but the house, nope. He’s since moved 3 times and has been able to pick and choose where he lives whilst I’m in the house which needs work doing to it. We did get a divorce and basically the house is mine. We had no assets to split so the divorce was fairly straightforward. He doesn’t earn much. We had 2 cars so took one each. No pension split. The house has been a bugbear of mine since he left and i tried to remortgage to a better deal a few times unsuccessfully. Was going to declare myself bankrupt but was advised against it from debt charity as I can afford payments.
Fast forward to now. Earlier this week, after receiving a letter saying interest rates were now going up for the first time in 10 years i contacted the bank. They have now agreed a new deal. Didn’t have to go through financial checks, valuations or prove income. Mortgage statements says I’m possibly evened out on value and loan now. I still couldn’t sell as even if i got enough to pay off, my income wouldn’t get me more than a £50k mortgage now so no chance of buying and renting would be a good £150+ per month for a smaller property. But, at least i get to own it in 25 years, despite not being able to move in the foreseeable future.
Hope this helps with the mortgage. Tread carefully. I thought i was protected by being married but I wasn’t. She may struggle to be allowed onto the mortgage if she earns £0. If you were married and owned the house and it had increased in value she would be entitled to 50% on divorce. Not sure on just cohabiting. If you can afford it on your own the go ahead with the purchase. Get legal advice.15 February 2018 at 3:45 am #7679
Alarm bells ought to be ringing here. Access to Child is being restricted because you have reservations about including GF on Mortgage and GF is thinking about not putting your name on Birth Certificate. This is not a relationship it is a ransom demand and the child is your GF’s bargaining chip!!!!!!!
If Mortgage is in Joint name then both of you are responsible for the mortgage payments. So if one loses their job and is unable to contribute the payments become 100% responsibility of the other. If they can’t afford either then house maybe re-possessed by the lenders. They will sell the property just to cover the debt and with their fees to pay you may still be in debt after house is sold.
My recommendation would be to get issues with the Child solved first. There is always time to buy a house later.15 February 2018 at 10:18 pm #7699
This sounds a bit suspicious. You can’t add her name unless she takes out joint mortgage.
Did she contribute or give deposit? My home belonged to my husband but I was entitled to 50% because I contributed to the home and maintained it over the years and had my own money.
I was lucky as the house is worth £475k and he sold it to me for £80k .after our other assets were taken into consideration