Frustrated and angry
5 January 2019 at 10:57 pm #19291
I can’t beleive I’m writing this but it’s a last resort to try and connect with someone that might be able to offer some sort of reassurance, at the very least it’s an opportunity to just vent so that I don’t have another restless night of worry and anxiety.
My story is not as difficult as many who go through a separation due to abuse or infidelity. In fact it was me that called time on my 10 year relationship. I’d been unhappy for years and the final push was when we couldn’t agree on having another baby. I’d had to have IVF to conceive, I was extremely fortunate to have a beautiful daughter and desperately wanted to try again but he refused. My dad was also terminally ill and only had months to live. It was a really difficult time which I think highlighted the problems with me and my partner, so I told him I wanted to separate. We had a big fight, he stormed out and then from that moment on he refused to have any discussion about our relationship. He stayed in the house for 6 weeks and then he moved out.
We are now 12 months on and everything feels just as difficult as it did a year ago. He refuses to engage with me, he can’t even get eye contact with me. He has accused me of all sorts of terrible things. His family have completely disowned me. All of this is difficult because we have a 6 year old daughter together who is loved by both parents and well looked after but he has created total segregation. He refuses to co parent. He makes it very difficult for me to speak to her when she is with him. He won’t attend any school events with me or parents evening. He will only communicate through text message and even those are monosyllabic. I have pleaded with him in the last year to make things civil for our daughter, but he refuses. He wants nothing to do with me and has recently got back together with an ex girlfriend which he is conveniently advertising on social media.
I know some people will say, well what do you expect, this is a break up blah blah blah. I don’t know what I expected, I thought I was doing the right thing for me, my daughter and him. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do and I don’t expect my ex and I to have a friendship. All I want is for us to co parent and put our daughter first. I want him to show me the respect I deserve as his daughters mother. I have been treated like I’ve committed some terrible crime on him yet all I was trying to do was make the right decision and separate from a relationship that really wasn’t working.
The last year has been so difficult grieving for my dad, my relationship and trying to find some new kind of normal as a single parent. I naively thought that 12 months down the line it would be easier but if feels harder.
If anyone has actually got to the bottom of this small essay then thank you for taking the time to read this far. Even without anyone reading this it feels good to put this into words.6 January 2019 at 6:52 pm #19337
Hi, I read your post and after a year, you would hope your ex could start to be more amicable. It would certainly make things easier for everyone.
I try to imagine being him. He has 10 years invested in a relationship, he has a family he adores and is happy. He maybe didn’t realise you weren’t happy, or perhaps saw it as less serious than you did. My ex had an absolute belief that if he ignored issues they would just go away, so I know it’s possible.
As far as he is concerned, You broke up the relationship, so he sees his daughter less. He might think of you making a choice between him and a new baby, and you didn’t choose him. He’s probably hurt angry & humiliated. Some people would take a very long time to get over that.
I’m not saying you were wrong, As it happens, I left my ex after several years of being very unhappy & him refusing to listen, so we are quite similar. I just think some people take a long time to get over that sort of stuff. Some harbour a grudge forever. It sounds like he hasn’t forgiven you, and may take some more years to do so.
sorry, that’s not much help is it. I’m in the same position.8 January 2019 at 1:44 pm #19461
Hi. I just trying to get things out of my chest just like you. My situation is very different but I have told him to be parted and hurting deeply myself. I can just say to you make sure your lovely daughter will grow up and will love you more than anyone. Be positive things will get better in time.8 January 2019 at 7:31 pm #19478
Sad reading this bit this is very similar to my first marriage. My ex family took his side even though we were all close..now that my mother has passed I miss my mother in law even more bit we no longer speak because after I had loads of miscarriages and he wanted to party party party he left to pursue some old dog he connected with on social media and moved it into his mother house.
Anyway don’t bother too much now justconcentrate on your little one as you will need all your energy and strength. I am on my own still and it’s hard bit at least I got my sanity8 January 2019 at 7:41 pm #19479
Its helpful just knowing other people have gone through what you have and that you are by no means alone.
Thank you 😊8 January 2019 at 7:54 pm #19481
I’m not sure of your situation but your response did come across a little hostile. Either way, thank you for taking the time to reply. Of course most of what you said is what I already know. It is human nature after all to respond in these ways when you have been hurt, but I have been hurt too. He is not the only victim in this. The IVF situation was really the last straw. I never expected him to share the same opinion as me in all things but the fact we couldn’t agree on this was something I knew I would always resent him for. I would NEVER put a second child before the one I already have, she is my absolute world and I’m so very lucky to have her. All I wanted was for her to have a sibling. Not being able to have children naturally is heart breaking and I had such a small window of time in which to have another go. That time has passed now.
The bottom line is me and my daughter are both effected by his reaction to the separation. Surely there comes a time when you have to take responsibility for your own actions and feelings and stop putting them on others.8 January 2019 at 7:56 pm #19482
Thank you for your reply. I’m sorry to hear your story. I too had a miscarriage. You are absolutely right, I am just focusing on her. You can’t control other people.9 January 2019 at 7:11 am #19496
Just focus on yourself for time being. His actions are quite childish. His family should know better. I find some of the posts really rude and at the end of the day we are all humans & no one is not perfect. Most people want a sibling for their son or daughter so chill out and enjoy the week with your little one xxx9 January 2019 at 2:17 pm #19514
I’m sorry to read your story but also I’m concerned about the amount of hostility that you and others are being subjected to by posts on this thread and others.
It’s unacceptable. Gingerbread advocates that we should treat one another with respect, be non judgemental and not hostile.
I’m saddened by the way this group is going and hope that you have as much support as you need or want.
Take care and best wishes9 January 2019 at 4:54 pm #19519
Thank you for your message. I too am a little surprised, I thought the idea of these forums is to offer support. Everyone has their own opinions and I’m extremely open to criticism when it’s constructive and helpful but I have to admit it does feel a little like a lecture and that sometimes people are projecting their own anger and frustrations on you. You can only reveal a small fraction of your life on here and never tell the whole story, and of course there are always two sides. That I am very aware of. I suppose when you put your life out there you have to be prepared to hear things that you might not want to.9 January 2019 at 4:59 pm #19520
I really could say so many things to you in response to your latest message Anonymous but I didn’t come on here to have an argument with someone. I will say this though, IVF is complicated and different for everyone, it’s an extremely sensitive issue for all those involved and should be treated with compsssion, respect and understanding….and not with someone wagging their finger at you.10 January 2019 at 8:01 am #19522
Thank you for your reply, I can relate to a lot of what you said , particularly the bit about ignoring issues hoping they would go away. The thing is we had already had a short separation before this so it wasn’t out of the blue.
I know forgiveness takes time and I actually do respect his feelings on this. I just thought we would be be more grown up and be able to put our feelings to one side for our daughter sake. He seems to find this impossible which is selfish. I can deal with how he feels towards me. I’m starting to believe that he will whole a grudge forever.
I hope you’re situation has got easier with time 😊10 January 2019 at 9:45 am #19525
It’s important that you don’t take notice of the negative and hurtful comments. It is important that you look after yourself and your child. What is very important that you have your sanity and can think clearly and hopefully move on.
People on here have no right to criticise you and they don’t pay your bills . Myself I had 4 miscarriages but I was desperate to hold my child and all the heartache made our relationship spiral downwards. My ex found solace partying and going with different women
It is my day off today and I’ve got my feet up with the washing money on . The school bus driver always tells me that I need to find a bloke to put my rubbish out.
I said to him this morning if I can hold down a job do all diy and look after an autistic child it is called GIRL POWER! I said to him if you are so worried about the bins that he can put them out for me!10 January 2019 at 11:40 am #19530
Hello all. It’s Justine here.
I’m adding to this thread as some of you are questioning what is appropriate and inappropriate. The forum is about single parents connecting, offering support and being able to share information and experiences with each other. It is for everybody to use in a way that will be supportive and useful. Please demonstrate respect to each other and comment in a way that is constructive.
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Thank you, Justine10 January 2019 at 8:03 pm #19547
Hey there although I can indunderst your ex that he’s hurting but I still believe that he should grow up a notch since this is about your daughter that you both brpubro into this life and not about either of your feelings. I remember how much it hurt when my parents kept acting like little children after their divorce which made me act up as a teen. You don’t have to be best friends but parents for sake of your child. I think you should have a proper conversation face to face!