Frequency of communication with coparent

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  • #64273 Report


    Hi everyone,

    This is my first time posting and I’m just looking for a bit of advice.

    Me and my ex split in Feb of this year when I was 12 weeks pregnant, due to me finding out he’d been meeting and messaging inappropriate messages (being polite) to another woman.

    Since then he refused to move out of the family home for me and our baby and I had to move into my mum and dad’s (they live in a small 2 bed cottage). He continued to have her round, sleeping in our bed etc and also racked up £18,000 debt I’ve recently found out about at mediation. This alongside quite a few other things (him tracking my mobile phone, refusing to pay maintenance unless it was in the joint account etc).

    So the above gives a back story as to why things are not at all amicable on my side. However, for the benefit of our little boy I have been allowing contact every other day (initially) which has recently reduced to 3 days per week but increased in duration. I’m exclusively breastfeeding which makes contact difficult as I cannot bare to be in the same room as him.

    Long story short, he took me to court for his surname (which we have now agreed to double barrel) and for contact arrangements, as he wants ‘shared care’. Our little boy is currently 20 weeks old.

    I am keen for him to have contact regularly with his Dad but his Dad wants updates in between his visits. He emails me in between the days he sees him asking for updates on how he is etc. I have contacted the DV helpline due to his displays of controlling behaviour and they advise that this extra communication is a way to control me so I’m always thinking of him… he also gave me a Pandora charm ‘from our baby’ for Christmas, which again I felt was unnecessary  and excessive, as our baby is far too young to even know.

    I guess what I’m trying to ask is, what contact do you have with your co parent in between visits? Am I being unreasonable or is this a way to control me? To be honest, I just want to be left alone by him in between visits but would of course tell him anything on a need to know basis, as I have done when our son had a recent hospital stay.

    Any advice would be much appreciated. I’m feeling pretty suffocated at the minute by him.

    #64276 Report


    Hi Charlieb,

    I know what you are going through. It took me 4 years after we split up to finally make the decision to go to court. The sooner you have an order in place that you both have to stick to the better. It’s not going to be easy and it still, despite court order is tough but I put in the court order that my Ex is not allowed to contact me other than via a separate email that I set up. He is not allowed to ask questions regarding my personal life or anything other than related to our daughter. He is not allowed to text or WhatsApp me. We have all holidays set up and handover days and times. It may be a good idea if your parents are going to do the handover for now so you don’t have to see him. If you are breastfeeding then I would say he can take your baby away for as long as he needs the next feed but wouldn’t advise to have your Ex near you. Creating distance and strict clear boundaries between my Ex and myself, helped me to think clearly again and have a less emotional approach with him. It doesn’t mean it always has to be that way but it will help to find your strength and don’t let him get into your head. You know what’s right for your child. He has no right to ask questions when the child is in your care. On the down side, if you decide to put these rules in place, the same will count for you. That is the hard part, if you feel you can trust him to care for your baby, you would need to stay out of his time with your baby as well. I really think the sooner you get professional advice the better. It will most likely end there anyway. I regret that I waited 4 years before I got help. I hope this helps. And it is completely out of order that he won’t move out but made you leave. Definitely get advice on what your options are. Surely if he wants to stay in the house he needs to pay you out. Good luck! Happy to chat more if you want to.


    #64303 Report



    I went through the courts. I asked for 1 call a week with my kids. only time I message my ex is for anything to do with child arrangements, like when to next see them, or some urgent issue like I am not available to have them.  I message via whatsapp. it’s kept to bare minimum. only to do with children arrangements. works out to maybe 2-3 messages a month at most.

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