27 March 2018 at 12:46 pm #9245
I am trying to find some closure to be able to move forward with my life. My counsellor has said I need to work on self forgiveness as well as forgiveness of my ex. It’s taking so much energy staying so angry all the time at him and myself, and I need to conserve my energy to be there for my child. I am angry at myself and beating myself up for marrying and having a child with someone who has proven themself to be so irresponsible etc etc. I feel like I made such a poor choice and now am living with the consequences of that decision, as my life is so hard as a single parent. I am wondering if maybe there are those who are further along in this journey who may have advice to share about how to come to acceptance and forgiveness for their own well being?
Many thanks in advance x27 March 2018 at 4:08 pm #9266
I used to feel the same – I still do today feel guilty at marrying someone who has no consideration for his child it’s all very selfish and all about his needs and no consideration for the needs of the child. However you have to make the decision to stop feeling guilty on your bad choice of partner, you didn’t ever know it could result in today so it’s not your fault.
I used tricks to purposely not focus on the negative and concentrate on positives each day. I would write down 3 positives that had happened that day. If I received negative messages from the Ex I would have a 3 hour rule in response put the message away and not think about it. Write goals for your future being personal, family, write things down daily to express emotions, but containing the 3 positives that have happened that day, goals for the future – read over it every couple of weeks and you will start to notice a shift in your feelings and all round positive attitude – It’s mentally working on yourself you will then find you give him less thought and the happier you feel – it provides the benchmark to start moving forward with your future. I don’t think of him at all now and when a problem crops up I am better equipped to let it go as I know it will be his own downfall in the long run – and your energy is best directed at yourself and your child
I laugh now at some of the things I used to write last year – and I still have situations where he is so infuriating regarding the child in his attitude but now I breathe and asses the all round situation and let it go, it takes some effort but feels great when you get there27 March 2018 at 5:05 pm #9275
Faith, I just wanted to say that I am in a very similar situation to you. Since my husband left, a few people have asked why I married him in the first place as we are so very different. It doesn’t help and hurts in a way, as despite what he has done and his attitude towards me and his daughter, he is still her father and she still loves him. I am very very angry with him and my counsellor has also told me I need to address the anger so I can move on.
So in short, I wanted to say that you aren’t alone and hopefully these feelings are very normal.
And joy24, Thankyou for your suggestions, I’ll be trying them aswell.27 March 2018 at 8:10 pm #9284
AJ and Faith, in some ways I can relate to where you’re at, my ex partner was immensely controlling and physically aggressive, I’m pretty easy going and tolerated way more than I should have. When we separated I felt responsible for what I’d experienced, I felt like I didn’t have a right to complain as I realised quickly that I’d facilitated his behaviour by not addressing things as they happened. The problem is that this kind of person is very clever, they often don’t do the same thing twice, so many times I said ‘if you ever do that again….’ and he never did ‘that’. We are not responsible for anyone else’s behaviour, only our own. He was responsible for the way he behaved. The way you choose to live the rest of your life is your choice and your responsibility, you either turn it around and consider this a fresh start and get excited about re-finding the person you were before, making plans and setting goals in what you want to achieve from the rest of your life, or you let the rest of your life be dictated by your past. It’s not an overnight transformation, it’s a been a process for me. These days I don’t give him a second thought28 March 2018 at 10:02 pm #9337
Thank you all for sharing your experiences, perspective, and advice. I really appreciate it, I have found this really helpful. xx28 March 2018 at 10:22 pm #9339
Hi Faith. I only joined this website a few minutes ago, so I’m pretty new to this.
My relationship ended after 10 years. My partner J left as she never got used to having a child. My son was 8 months when I started looking after him and now he is 51/2.
J now has a lovely home with everything where she likes it and designer this and that. I went through sadness and anger. But now I feel only pity for her. She has missed out on thousands of special moments for what?
Pity your ex for what they have and will miss out on. Yes, it is hard but it is fantastic. Believe in yourself, realise you’ll make mistakes – but you and your kid(s) will learn from them too. Every amazing moment with your child is another reminder that you are the lucky one and the ex is living a mistake they will most probably regret when they look back on life!