9 January 2019 at 3:13 pm #19517
Hi everyone, I’m in desperate need of some advice although I’m sure many may not have any sympathy for me. I’m a 30 year old guy and married with 2 kids. I was happily married, everything was great, but I made a mistake 2 years ago. The long and short of it was that I got completely drunk (that isn’t an excuse) and ended up sleeping with a random person on a night out. I was really drunk and at the time didn’t remember properly having sex, I didn’t even remember what the person looked like or anything about them. I didn’t go looking for it, I wasn’t unhappy, I was just completely drunk and ended up making a catastrophic mistake. This is something I’m utterly ashamed about and I can’t blame anyone apart from myself. The long and short of it – the woman got pregnant, contacted me, I had to tell my wife, she chucked me out of home and I now live alone with shared access to my 1st born. I know I’m a disgrace and don’t deserve any kind of life….but I’m trying to at least make use of the life I have now. The issue I have is that I can’t move on because there was nothing wrong with my wife or life before I made this mistake – I’ve lost everything I care about. I don’t want to meet someone else (and don’t have the confidence anyway), noone will make me happy apart from my wife (we’re getting divorced), I can’t see my child every day as I want to and feel like a complete and utter waste of space because I’m not bringing up my child properly – I feel like I should be under the same roof everyday. I just cannot see how I can ever be happy again, it was the worst mistake of my life and don’t see how I can ever live a happy life again. I don’t want any sympathy as I don’t deserve it, but if anyone can understand my situation and tell me if im wasting my time looking for happiness then i would be grateful. thank you.9 January 2019 at 8:18 pm #19521
I think reading your post, you are going to need to come to an acceptance point that a lot of what you want is out of your hands…. And if I were a betting man I would say it is highly unlikely the life you want is going to materialise. I have some sympathy for you because a bad mistake seems to have had very unfortunate consequences with the pregnancy. But maybe that’s where you need to re-focus. Do you have a relationship with the child conceived from the drunken night? If not, maybe you could address that. I am unsure as the post didn’t specify (I don’t think). I think you need to accept your wife probably doesn’t want to know re reconciliation. If it were me, I would write a simple letter stating you are ashamed and are deeply regretful of your actions, say you accept and understand your wife’s decision and wish her the best for the future. Don’t make excuses or beg to get back. Just leave it at that. If she ever comes back, great. If not, you have expressed remorse in a genuine way. You need to then start focusing on what you can control. OK, you don’t see your first born all the time, make the most of time spent when you are with them. The other child (not sure the situation there) but you could also focus there on them too. What do you enjoy? Make use of your free time. I must admit I struggle at times on my own when I’m not with my son but I’m trying to enjoy free time. I just started the Gym tonight, it was a struggle but quite good fun, something outside my comfort zone. I wouldn’t say I’m a sporty type but I’m trying. I’m sure you’ll regret your decision for life but I think you need to be philosophical about it and think, ok life is not going to be as you’d hoped or planned but it’s an opportunity to see what else is out there in life. Staying stuck living with regret is not going to help. You can’t change the past.10 January 2019 at 10:11 am #19526
Thanks very much for replying, I really appreciate it and I can see what you say makes sense. No happiness will ever be gained from just sitting in the problem and berating myself. But I’m struggling to forgive myself for effecting other people’s lives by making such an awful mistake. The stupidest thing of all is that it was all a complete mistake, I never wanted or had the urge to go and find another woman let alone make her pregnant.
No I don’t have a relationship with the other child. The woman is effectively a stranger and she doesn’t want me involved – apart from financially. I’m not sure what best to do for the childs sake – force access through the courts or let them build their own life.
In terms of your situation – how do you accept that not living with your child all the time is acceptable or can mean you can still be happy? I never grew up with a father and I’m okay with that but in my mind, the one solitary aim in my life is to have a family and bring them up like I feel I should i.e. happy and stable home, with them every single day, put them to bed and get them up etc etc. That has always been my one aim in life – and now that has vanished. I just cannot see how doing other things, or meeting new people or getting new hobbies can help me. To be honest I feel like just calling it a day, I’ve had enough (as selfish as that sounds).
I just can’t see how I can ever build a happy life if the one thing that I think is my purpose (bringing up my son) is not as I see fit. How can I ever accept that? I try and go and do other things but all I think of is how ive mucked everything up, ruined people’s lives and lost everything ive ever wanted.10 January 2019 at 3:54 pm #19537
I’m Justine one of the moderators. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with the community. I hope you find it of use. I am sending you a private message with some signposting for you.
Take care Justine10 January 2019 at 6:55 pm #19542
How do I cope with not living with my child all the time… To be honest I cope OK as I have him 7 nights out of 14 including every other weekend. Of course, it is not ideal, I’d rather not be a part time parent (I know some will say that’s not what a single parent is, but time wise it is like that) but it is what it is. I find with full time work, housework and half the childcare I welcome free evenings and weekends to unwind and relax. I guess you have to look at the positives of it.
You may not have intended for all this to happen. But it has and sadly for you it has cost you a lot. I think you need to try and forgive yourself and focus on areas of your life you can control and look at any positives you can. It’s very difficult to do I’m sure. I’m actually probably on the flip side of you as I found out my ex wife had cheated on me. Admittedly we were in an in house separation at the time but we were still married working towards reconciliation with marriage counselling etc. So it was a shock to discover. I suspect there was a lot more to the story too when we were together also. Either way I’m having to pick myself up. It is far from easy and some days I can’t see a way forward but quitting and giving up on life ain’t going to get me anywhere. One step at a time. Who knows, in a few years things could look very different. If you don’t keep going you’ll never know.11 January 2019 at 10:20 am #19564
Thanks again for your advice and view on things. I’m sorry to hear of your situation, it must have been really hard (and probably still is). I guess you probably think I’m an awful bloke for doing something similar. The only thing I would say, and this isn’t an excuse, is that it wasn’t premeditated, just a stupid stupid drunken mistake. If a child hadn’t been conceived I think we may well have got through it. I’m really impressed with your positive outlook, you clearly have a much better perspective on life than me. Would you say that actually there are positives to being a single parent i.e you get some time to yourself etc? I think my main issue is that my perception of what things should / must be like i.e. I must be in a happy marriage under the same roof as my kids. Obviously with that not being the case, I’m constantly hating and beating myself. Maybe I need to readjust what I think life should look like, it’s just very difficult because it’s so far away from what I’ve only ever wanted.11 January 2019 at 4:52 pm #19579
I think time to yourself is definitely a positive of being a single parent. It may not be ideal not seeing your child all the time but I guess you can’t control that so an upside of it is free time at least.
I wouldn’t say you are an awful bloke, I think a few too many on a night out has cost you a lot. From my own experience, I’m sure in time I’ll get over it but it has certainly made me sceptical on whether or not I can find someone loyal for the long term. Especially as I don’t meet many new people in day to day life and online dating seems all about seeing what the next best thing is in terms of all the options available. But if I do end up finding someone in the end I’ll have to take it as it comes and trust until its broken, that’s the thing, when there is no trust there is no relationship so I think when any infidelity occurs even if it is not premeditated it definitely sours whatever there was. Learn your lessons and move on would be my advice. Far from easy I can appreciate, but I think that’s how it is.11 January 2019 at 7:14 pm #19591
Thanks a lot. Could I ask – do you find being a single parent as bad as you thought it might be beforehand? I look at my life and im just in pain and anxious and guilt ridden and lonely – but is this just because im telling myself my life ‘shouldn’t’ be like this? I.e if i changed my perception of it then maybe that would help
Also do you have any tips on how to cope when you feel lonely or depressed? I know what you mean about going into relationships again – although my issue was my fault, i dont want another relationship because of the pain i feel. But actually, we have to throw ourselves into it again dont we11 January 2019 at 7:38 pm #19592
To be honest I could see no benefits to being a single parent when it became apparent that was what I was going to become. But actually there are some benefits. I can parent in my own way. My ex was a bit of a control freak over certain things and would say do this or do that. I don’t need to worry about that now. There are lots of good ways to parent within reason and I can do things my own way now. Free time is also quite nice.
The downsides I’m finding are that whilst I am ok with my own company I would like to put myself out there again and date etc. To be fair in 2018 I did that but found it is quite a difficult thing. If I can be crass I’ll use the analogy of waiting for a bus. Nothing for ages then two come along at once. This is in terms of online contacts and possible dates. I’ve yet to meet anyone that I could see it going anywhere, I guess i didn’t feel the connection personality wise. The last few months I seem to have got nowhere with online dating, no dates, nothing. It is full of flakey people I find. I’d actually appreciate meeting new people in general for socialising but that is a challenge also. I’ve tried the meetup app for groups and haven’t found much local to me. I’ve also posted on here. A few people have replied about possible meetups but nothing has materialised. The moderators here have also signposted me to the two nearest gingerbread groups but I emailed both contacts and had no reply. So I’m still racking my brain as to how to broaden my opportunities for both dating and further socialising in general. Most of my friends live an hour away (which isn’t too far) as I relocated to be with my ex after meeting online 10 years ago. I see these friends every couple of months or so but I’m looking to broaden my social contacts a bit more locally if possible. Seems difficult at the moment.