Fellow mum support! Am I crazy?! Help!
21 May 2021 at 10:19 am #54438
This is my first time of posting here and really hoping that you may be able to offer some reassurance and support. Unfortunately, I’m sure I’m not the only one in this position and would love to here from others in similar situations and how they’ve dealt with things.
The situation I have with my ex is that he has our son almost half the month (he requested the amount of time), and he also asked not to have set days as this doesn’t suit him and his work. So instead he chooses what days he has our son every month, a month in advance, and the pattern is different each week. We share all travel arrangements.
I have recently had a letter from CMS to say my payments are increasing. I previously wasn’t receiving very much so this is very welcome. As soon as I had received the letter I had a call from my ex explaining that he wouldn’t be able to afford to have our son as much if he had to pay what the CMS said. He said that the CMS wouldn’t consider lowering his payments as his earnings hadn’t changed by more than 25% so he wanted to know if I would be happy for him to have his son for more time; getting him into the next shared care band which would then reduce his payments.
I understand that if he’s struggling, it’s the right thing to do to come to me if he wants to renegotiate our agreement. However I feel pretty aggrieved as this is the 3rd time he has tried to reduce his maintenance payments, and his motivation seemed not to be having more time with his son but just trying to find a way around reducing payments.
Prior to going through the CMS he had threatened to make deductions off my maintenance if I did not pack all the clothes my son needed for contact (we’re talking pants, socks everything, and if I got it wrong and packed 3 pairs socks instead of 4 it would be held against me). I was then advised to go through the CMS and did so.
He has since taken me to court as he felt he was entitled to apply for a special expenses variation just to offset the cost of needing to take his son to school. Not understanding that this is his parental responsibility during contact, he ignored the two decisions made by the CMS that he wasn’t entitled to this and took it as far as tribunal. This was then thrown out within about 10 minutes as this is not what the special expenses application is for, so wasted the courts time.
I really don’t want to have my son even less time than I currently have (my ex already has him a considerable amount of time), and I don’t feel it’s reasonable to request to ask me to have my son for less time just so that he doesn’t have to pay what they CMS have said; I would never expect him to have our son for less time so that I could receive more money.
My ex has said that if I can’t agree to him having our son more time and he has to not see him as much, then he will explain to our son that ‘he’s only asked to have him a few extra nights, and I won’t let him, so now he can’t see him as much.’ (It’s considerably more than a few). This has been an ongoing issue, where he uses our son in an attempt to basically emotionally blackmail me into getting what he wants.
He’s also accused me of only caring about the money, which I find particularly offensive and upsetting (probably the reason he’s said it), as I’ve never asked for a penny more than what the CMS have said I should be getting, and it’s him trying to reduce payments, not me trying to get more.
Am I crazy?
Does anyone else have issues like this with their ex?? I’d love to hear from you as I feel like I’m the only one. xx