Feels like a Surreal nightmare

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    Paulmac
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    <span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>Not sure where to start so I’ll blurt it all out and hopefully it won’t seem like unhinged gibberish.</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>Fell in love with my partner 32 years ago, I was working class from a broken home (alcoholic father, who was quick with his fists towards me and my mum), in spite of that my mum stuck with him. My partner was upper middle class went to university and her parents were never overly keen on me. Her father was and is an overbearing controlling bully, her mum just gardens, walks her dogs and drinks a lot of red wine, very subservient.  </span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>My partner didn’t talk to her father for two years 16-18 then went to uni, we met in the 6th form, I went to work and she went to uni and we started seeing each other in her 2nd year of university, long distance relationship but it worked.</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>We moved in together when she finished were happy for 9 years then she decided she wanted more and we separated ( no children, no mortgage) still pretty young. I was devastated but got on with my life, by this stage all our friends were getting married and having children 6 months later she told me she wanted to get back together, I agreed as I loved her, we went to relate for councelling and seemed to be all good, got married, had two children and I tried to be the best father and husband, and son in law I could. Her parents were overly involved in our lives, we had to do family holidays and 4 day Christmas sleepovers at theirs, I sucked it up and took it for the good of the ‘family’ two brother in laws and partners. Birthdays, social events group holidays, never allowed to do our own thing as a family…</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>We set up home buy our first house, all good, sell house move to village away from town. my wife then has a hard time at work, suffers from stress for 6 months and is signed off, gets another job same again and eventually has to leave the 2nd job too, parents very supportive, I’m happy for her to stay at home and we get a dog, she looks after the home, walks the dog, life is great, I work hard, we’re happy, have our first child, wife works for brother in law (she was a software developer) 2 days a week from home, I work full time IT engineer, paid a lot less than my wife. </span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>Eldest son In law had two children, girl and a boy, the little lad was the same age as my eldest daughter (3 years old) his mum worked full time and the mother in law liked to point out that a working mum was not right, the woman should stay at home and be a mother? (Bite lip and move on, sexist mother in law, or just brainwashed big bigoted, sexist father in law – who know) caused a lot of friction.</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>The little fella died of menangitus, I was at the hospital with my step sister as she couldn’t get hold of husband brother in law, it was something I never want to go through again, she was in pieces, doctors asking if they could let the little fella pass away as there was nothing more they could do, I asked them to keep trying until the father got there ( got hold of him on the Mobil and he was in a lay-by in his car, having a meltdown as he didn’t want to come to the hospital to deal with it, told him to step up do the right thing) he turned up and they both broke down in the waiting room. I then held the family together for the next few weeks, the father in law slipped into depression, the mother in law spent most of her time walking the dogs and generally it was grim.</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>I’m great in a crisis as long as it’s not my own I suppose…</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>So skip forward a few years the remaining daughter of the eldest son in law and working wife gets sent to a public school (single child lots of disposable parental income), grandparents over the moon as remaining daughter is the apple of their eye.</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>Skip forward a couple of years and my eldest daughter says she would like to go to the same school as her cousin, at this point we have had a second child, another girl (life’s great, two beautiful girls, a wife I love, a dog I love, only other man in the house!) my wife and my in laws think it’s a great idea, I don’t but who cares what I think, my wife has taken a job as a teaching assistant working 20 hours a week at the village school so she walks our kids to school and they all walk home every day, great, I’m working hard, am happy, everyone’s happy, all good in the world etc… then this, how do we pay for this, as we have to treat both our children equally, wife and grandparents think let her take the entrance exam and maybe is she does well we will get a scholarship, and they can help out financially… she does well, she’s offered a place and a tiny scholarship, daughter is over the moon, wife is over the moon, I am happy but worried, 15k a year, I earned 28k, wife earned 6k, good mortgage, it snowballs, grandparents back out of financial support offer, daughter goes to school and I start working 11hours days, 6days a week, roll forward to 2nd daughter, she goes to same school, another 15k a year so now we’re up to 30k a year, I am now earning 40k a year, wife is still on 6k, grandparents just keep interfering.</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>We’re now parents not a couple, wife says ‘you’re getting fat, I don’t find you attractive’ we stop having sex, she was never overly keen or particularly given to signs of affection as it’s unseemly according to her parents to show affection in front of others (hello Victorian middle England!). </span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>I decide to get fit, hard work, and apparently she was then passed off that I didn’t do enough around the house, which was not true but apparently if it wasn’t done the way she did it or her mother then it was wrong, (how you can get bollocked for loading, and the unloading a dishwasher the wrong way is beyond me as the plates are still clean when they come out?).</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>So I am working hard, trying to provide for my wife, children who now mix with rich kids and start feeling inferior as they don’t live in a mansion, or go on holiday to the Maldives, all we could afford was Norfolk once a year, we had fun but it was always there in the background.</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>Wife has a grand plan to retrain as an accountant, so begins 6 years of exams and a full time job that pays nothing, kids become young teenagers, start arguing a lot, trash the house, we’re both working full time, stress is building. Roll onto two years ago, my eldest turns 16, time to go to state school for 6th form, that was part of the plan, starts having anxiety attacks, doesn’t want to leave her public school, we can’t afford another 30k for two more years, let alone 60k (have to treat them equally) I’m staring to buckle under the pressure, work is bad, company gets bought out, gets worse, longer hours….</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>So my wife goes to see her parents in their half million pound house and is ‘given’ father in law says he’ll pay for eldest daughters two years in 6th form so she can stay. I wasn’t consulted, as apparently it would have just put more stress on me?</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>She stays at the school, wife keeps training to be an accountant, I keep working and paying for daughter twos school fees (2 years younger). We argue a lot,my wife is in charge of the home apparently and the girls don’t listen to me as I am only there to earn the money, the dog dies, not good, can’t get another one as the in laws say it’s not a good idea (they have two) wife agrees, I am very unhappy, I then suffer from stress and depression, am signed off for 3 months and my wife try’s her best to support me but she doesn’t do empathy or sympathy and neither does her mother, and the response to stress and depression is just to get done fresh air as it’s not a real illness (even thought the father in law and my wife have suffered from it).</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>Things get bad at home, my children become prope teenagers 16 & 17, and really start laying into me on a daily basis, I’m not sure they knew what they were really doing, every day my wife came home, the girls would tell her how horrible I’d been when all I’d asked them to do was take the cups and plates out of their bedrooms and pick up thief duty clothes, it all becomes very surreal and nightmarish…. I can see it coming but at the same time think that can’t really be happening.</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>In laws become more intrusive than usual, my wife asks me to move into the spare room, tension is palpable in the house, we got to relate, it is hard, it turns out my wife has issues with her father, and doesn’t want to end up trapped in a marriage to an overbearing bully inker her dad! I say I’m not your dad, and I am not really me at present as I’m depressed and on medication, struggling to hold onto a new high stress job (as the school fees and bills still need to be paid).</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>Relate councillor tells wife she has turned her children against me as I am a man and she hates men, sees her fathers anger in me when I get into an argument with her and projects her negative feelings towards him at me. She keeps playing the dutiful daughter to them though!</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>Skip forward 2 more months, I have now got a contract job, that pays half the amount but S not stressful, I feel in a better place work stress wise, just depressed over my rocky marriage.</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>Wife then decides we should stop going to relate as they dont know what their talking about, and it’s alldown to me really…</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>She becomes a qualified accountant and finally earns the same as me, great pressures off we got there, the master plan, we knew it would be hard but finally, she can now be the primary bread winner, i can take my foot of the gas, eldest daughter takes exams, leaves school, some pressure of…</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>But I’m sleeping in the spare room, really bad atmosphere at home full tribal mode with the wife and girls, I’m now their enemy, feeling very alone, think about suicide, we go on holiday abroad to try and patch things up as a family, had a good time but apparently not good enough… wife tells me it’s time for me to move out we can have a trial seperation, as she doesn’t love me anymore, father in law sends me an email saying the same, I flip out at him in response.</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>I move out into a rented flat, for 1 year, I am 6 months into that, we were supposed to be working at seeing each other on dates, to rebuild bridges, all our birthdays fell in that period, my daughters 18 and 15, and my 50th then my wife’s 50th, she gets a puppy 4 weeks after I move out. Her entire family turned their back on me, no contact…</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>I thought things were getting better between us all, I get on really well with my youngest now, my eldest as well but she is very focussed on herself and has issues sleeping away from home(who knows how she’s going to manage going to uni which is her plan). </span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>Eldest daughter has been to visit me once for two hours, youngest has slept over twice, I purposefully got the two bedroom flat, 5 miles away from my house so it would easy to see them and help out (dad taxi) I pick up my eldest twice a week and give her a lift home form her evening job (she works two evenings a week at a local supermarket) so I am her taxi, so 20 minutes a week contact. </span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>We went out as family, my wife and the girls, for the birthdays had a meal, and a nice time, it got to my wife’s 50th and she said she was going to book a cottage, and I could come up to stay for 1 night with her and the girls and the puppy, gets to a few days before and she says sorry didn’t have time to find a cottage so am getting a b&b taking eldest daughter and puppy, no room for you but youngest daughter has sports matches and a friends birthday party so can you stay at home and look after her.</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>I am gutted, mixed messages everywhere, but at the end of the day, I stay at home and drop off and pick up my daughter, </span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>I’ve had enough, and explain in a txt to my wife that we need to talk about the future, I want to try to work it out as I took my marriage vows seriously and I think if she stops and thinks about it that we have had more good times than bad, all marriages go through ups and downs.</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>I go to see her parents, to ask them four things, 1: why no 50th birthday card or contact after 32 years of ‘ you’re like as on to me’ from the father in law 2: did they ever actually like me 3: do they want their daughter to end up on her own and my children to lose their father and break up our home. 4: as you’ve suffered from depression, why don’t you understand I wasn’t myself, why no support</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>1: No birthday card= didn’t have your address</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>2: did they ever like me = Father in law: “well I think your girls should have a male role model in their lives!” Mother in law: “I’m proud of my daughter for leaving you, I don’t have the courage to leave my husband but I would like to!” She said that in front of her husband!</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>3: daughter alone and broken home = she has us, and why would their home be broken, they have their family around them, they have us. They have it would appear never considered us as our own family with our own needs.</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>4: depression, you’ve had it father in law, why no empathy or support = “if you mention I’ve had depression again I’ll ask you to leave” (father in law responds angrily)</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>I leave feeling she’ll shocked, like my world has tilted, they were my family, what the f*ck is heppening?</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>I go For a pizza with my wife last Friday, she spends the evening saying our marriage was over before it started, that she felt trapped, and I was horrible for years, at this point i just nodded and kept quite thinking ‘perhaps she’s right, I’m a terrible person, I should just go home and end it all’ she then says she doesn’t know how she will feel in 6 months but if she had to say now, she wouldn’t feel any different and it’s over, and that all the occasions and meals we ve been on as family since I moved out have been strained and awkward for her, even though on Father’s Day she suggested we go out for a family meal, she had a couple of glasses of wine and had a really nice time, so did the girls, she even asked me in for coffee on the way home.</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>She doesn’t want any contact via txt, and I said what if I meet someone else and she smirked saying ‘you, in demand I doubt that’, and on her way out said so that’s settled then? Regarding arrangements ie no contact for the next 6 months. She left, I sat down and then 15 minutes later had stopped reeling, it felt like it was all a lie for the last 6 months, indeed the last 32 years, there was no plan to see how it goes, it was just a way to get me out of the picture I think. </span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>She wants me to give up the flat in December and move back into the house with my daughter (S) and pay the mortgage and bills, she will move into her parents and then pay for my youngest to continue in private education for the 6th form, she is pissed that I won’t contribute to the fees for the 6th form though, we’re paying for the current fees from our mortgage overdraft, her idea… and she wants to buy me out if the house, I want to sell to piss my wife off if it comes to that but equally I don’t as I don’t want my children to lose their family home, so confused… but we can’t afford to split the house and walk away with enough to buy a one bedroom flat each, due to the endowment shortfall we have to pay off in 5 years. she can just live in her parents house, if it doesn’t pan out I have nowhere to go so can’t afford to pay further private school fees for another two years so many mixed emotions…</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>I sent her one last txt saying I didn’t understand what had just happened earlier that evening and I thought we were trying to give it another go, no response that was a week ago.</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>So what do I do, stick to the plan, move back in in December, she moves to her parents, I get a year at home with my daughter and then we re-assess, or I just move back in in December and then don’t move out, she can file for divorce or wait two years until my daughters 18, or walk away, end it all, who knows, head is going to explode…. she thinks she will just come and go from the house even though she asked me to ask permission to pop around to my own home, I said with the greatest of respect no! But to be honest I feel so uncomfortable there now, it was home but now it’s not, nowhere is really, it’s all in limbo and feels surreal.</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>Maybe her moving back into her parents home is good as she’ll realise it’s her dad she has the issue with as the relate councillor suggested and she will realise I was not totally to blame.</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>Perhaps I am just grieving and will feel more normal in time, but to be honest turning 50 has really brought it all home, and I just don’t want to go through anymore sh*t again, I’m lonely, sad and don’t want to feel like this anymore but I don’t see an easy way out of this or an end anytime soon and I am finding it really hard to trust anyone at the moment, even my children which is awful… </span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>Go back to relate, someone suggested arbitration, or use a solicitor and then it will get really nasty I suppose, don’t reslly want to go down that route but equally don’t want to get shafted, as I think I’ve been so fair up to now moving out to give her space, afte4 all if she wanted space she could have just moved into her parents straight away but she found the idea unpalatable, now she’s sees how much money is being wasted and the additional debt building up on the mortgage overdraft she’s realises it’s not tenable long term, ironic she’s an accountant now…</span><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><br style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;” /><span style=”-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;”>Blimey talk about verbal diarrhoea, that was a total mind dump, sorry for the above ramblings, but maybe someone has some sage advice or has been through similar…</span>

    #13080 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    Sorry, but with all the extraneous stuff you cut and pasted in I find this post utterly unreadable. Maybe try again or speak to someone rather than writing?

    #13083 Report

    Nastbury
    Participant

    Hi Paul. I read your post last night. Going through a similar transition myself, I sympathise with what you are going through.  It is clearly very difficult.  Your children should in time alter the balance of their loyalty, probably when they realise what you’ve gone through to provide for them.

    In law’s will not normally be loyal to their son in law, in my experience. They will happily argue that black is white, and stick up for their daughter. Mine have, even though their daughter (my wife) is a lying, cheating, adulterous, lazy, borderline alcoholic, whose impact on our family has been abomnible.  The in laws blame me entirely.

    I have risen above it, hold all the moral high ground, and am just concentrating on being a good father.

    I recommend you figure who your support network is, and seek their help and advice.

    You say you “think about suicide”. Please talk to professionals about the negative thoughts you are having. This is crucial.  Gingerbread may be able to help you find suitable support in this respect.

    Try to stay strong, it will get better. But it may take time.

    Private mail me if it would help you.

    Take care.

    #13105 Report

    Paulmac
    Participant

    Thanks Nastbury, your reply means a lot. Sorry empty, I’ll repost without the html breaks:

     

    #13107 Report

    Paulmac
    Participant

    Not sure where to start so I’ll blurt it all out and hopefully it won’t seem like unhinged gibberish.

    Fell in love with my partner 32 years ago, I was working class from a broken home (alcoholic father, who was quick with his fists towards me and my mum), in spite of that my mum stuck with him. My partner was upper middle class went to university and her parents were never overly keen on me. Her father was and is an overbearing controlling bully, her mum just gardens, walks her dogs and drinks a lot of red wine, very subservient.

     

    My partner didn’t talk to her father for two years 16-18 then went to uni, we met in the 6th form, I went to work and she went to uni and we started seeing each other in her 2nd year of university, long distance relationship but it worked.

     

    We moved in together when she finished were happy for 9 years then she decided she wanted more and we separated ( no children, no mortgage) still pretty young. I was devastated but got on with my life, by this stage all our friends were getting married and having children 6 months later she told me she wanted to get back together, I agreed as I loved her, we went to relate for councelling and seemed to be all good, got married, had two children and I tried to be the best father and husband, and son in law I could. Her parents were overly involved in our lives, we had to do family holidays and 4 day Christmas sleepovers at theirs, I sucked it up and took it for the good of the ‘family’ two brother in laws and partners with children. Birthdays, social events group holidays, never allowed to do our own thing as our own family, but the son in laws were?

     

    We set up home bought our first house, all good, sell house move to village away from town. my wife then has a hard time at work, suffers from stress for 6 months and is signed off, gets another job same again and eventually has to leave the 2nd job too, parents very supportive, I’m happy for her to stay at home and we get a dog, she looks after the home, walks the dog, life is great, I work hard, we’re happy, have our first child, wife works for brother in law (she was a software developer) 2 days a week from home, I work full time IT engineer, paid a lot less than my wife.

     

    Eldest son In law had two children, girl and a boy, the little lad was the same age as my eldest daughter (3 years old) his mum worked full time and the mother in law liked to point out that a working mum was not right, the woman should stay at home and be a mother? (Bite lip and move on, sexist mother in law, or just brainwashed big bigoted, sexist father in law – who know) caused a lot of friction. The little chap died of menangitus, I was at the hospital with my step sister as she couldn’t get hold of husband (brother in law), it was something I never want to go through again, she was in pieces, doctors asking if they could let the little chap pass away as there was nothing more they could do, I asked them to keep trying until the father got there ( got hold of him on the Mobile and he was in a lay-by in his car, having a meltdown as he didn’t want to come to the hospital to deal with it, told him to step up do the right thing) he turned up and they both broke down in the waiting room. I then held the family together for the next few weeks, the father in law slipped into depression, the mother in law spent most of her time walking the dogs and generally it was grim. I’m great in a crisis as long as it’s not my own I suppose…

     

    So skip forward a few years the remaining daughter of the eldest son in law and working wife gets sent to a public school (single child lots of disposable parental income), grandparents over the moon as remaining daughter is the apple of their eye.

     

    Skip forward a couple of years and my eldest daughter says she would like to go to the same school as her cousin, at this point we have had a second child, another girl (life’s great, two beautiful girls, a wife I love, a dog I love, only other man in the house!) my wife and my in laws think it’s a great idea, I don’t but who cares what I think, my wife has taken a job as a teaching assistant working 20 hours a week at the village school so she walks our kids to school and they all walk home every day, great, I’m working hard, am happy, everyone’s happy, all good in the world etc…

     

    Then this, how do we pay for this, as we have to treat both our children equally, wife and grandparents think let her take the entrance exam and maybe if she does well we will get a scholarship, and they can help out financially… she does well, she’s offered a place and a tiny scholarship, daughter is over the moon,  wife is over the moon, I am happy but worried, 15k a year, I earned 28k, wife earned 6k, good mortgage, it snowballs, grandparents back out of financial support offer, daughter goes to school and I  start working 11 hours days, 6 days a week, roll forward to 2nd daughter, she goes to same school, another 15k a year so now we’re up to 30k a year, I am now earning 40k a year, wife is still on 6k, grandparents just keep interfering. We’re now parents not a couple, wife says ‘you’re getting fat, I don’t find you attractive’  we stop having sex, she was never overly keen or particularly given to signs of affection as it’s unseemly according to her parents to show affection in front of others (hello Victorian middle England!). It’s not Thebes all and end all, I know relationships evolve, the odd hug and kiss on the cheek would have been fine. I decide to get fit, hard work, and apparently she was then p*ssed off that I didn’t do enough around the house, which was not true but apparently if the chore wasn’t done the way she did it or her mother did it then it was wrong, (how you can get bollocked for loading, and the unloading a dishwasher the wrong way is beyond me as the plates are still clean when they come out?).

     

    So I am working hard, trying to provide for my wife, children who now mix with rich kids and start feeling inferior as they don’t live in a mansion, or go on holiday to the Maldives, all we could afford was Norfolk once a year, we had fun but it was always there in the background.

     

    Wife has a grand plan to retrain as an accountant, so begins 6 years of exams and a full time job that pays nothing, kids become young teenagers, start arguing a lot, trash the house, we’re both working full time, stress is building.  Roll onto two years ago, my eldest turns 16, time to go to state school for 6th form, that was part of the plan, starts having anxiety attacks, doesn’t want to leave her public school, we can’t afford another 30k for two more years, let alone 60k (have to treat them equally) I’m staring to buckle under the pressure, work is bad, company gets bought out, gets worse, longer hours…. So my wife goes to see her parents in their half million pound house and is ‘given’ part of her day nheritance early, who in this day and age expects to get an inheritance from their parents? father in law says he’ll pay for eldest daughters two years in 6th form so she can stay. I wasn’t consulted, as apparently it would have just put more stress on me?

     

    She stays at the school which we had never agreed or planned on doing, wife keeps training to be an accountant, I keep working and paying for daughter two’s school fees (2 years younger).  We argue a lot, my wife is in charge of the home apparently and the girls don’t listen to me as I am only there to earn the money, the dog dies, not good, can’t get another one as the in laws say it’s not a good idea (they have two) wife agrees, I am very unhappy, I then suffer from stress and depression, am signed off for 3 months and my wife try’s her best to support me but she doesn’t do empathy or sympathy and neither does her mother, and the response to stress and depression is just to get done fresh air as it’s not a real illness (even thought the father in law and my wife have suffered from it).

     

    Things get bad at home, my children become proper teenagers 14 & 17, and really start laying into me on a daily basis, I’m not sure they knew what they were really doing, every day my wife came home, the girls would tell her how horrible I’d been when all I’d asked them to do was take the cups and plates out of their bedrooms and pick up thier dirty clothes, it all becomes very surreal and nightmarish…. I can see it coming but at the same time think that can’t really be happening.

     

    In laws become more intrusive than usual, my wife asks me to move into the spare room, tension is palpable in the house, we got to relate, it is hard, it turns out my wife has issues with her father, and doesn’t want to end up trapped in a marriage to an overbearing bully like her dad!  I say I’m not your dad, and I am not really me at present as I’m depressed and on medication, struggling to hold onto a new high stress job (as the school fees and bills still need to be paid).

     

    Relate councillor tells wife she has turned our children against me as I am a man and she hates men, sees her father’s anger in me when I get into an argument with her and projects her negative feelings towards him at me.  She keeps playing the dutiful daughter to them though!

     

    Skip forward 2 more months, I have now got a contract job, that pays half the amount but is not stressful, I feel in a better place work stress wise, just depressed over my rocky marriage. Wife then decides we should stop going to relate as they dont know what their talking about, and it’s all down to me really… She passes her final exam (exams were always at Christmas for the last 5 years so the run up to christmas was always stressful and not fun. She becomes a qualified accountant and finally earns the same  as me, great pressures off we got there, the master plan, we knew it would be hard but finally, she can now be the primary bread winner, i can take my foot of the gas, eldest daughter takes exams, leaves school, some pressure of…

     

    But I’m sleeping in the spare room, really bad atmosphere at home full tribal mode with the wife and girls, I’m now their enemy, feeling very alone, think about suicide, we go on holiday abroad to try and patch things up as a family, had a good time but apparently not good enough… wife tells me it’s time for me to move out we can have a trial seperation, as she doesn’t love me anymore, father in law sends me an email saying the same, I flip out at him in response.

     

    I move out into a rented flat, for 1 year, I am 6 months into that, we were supposed to be working at seeing each other on dates, to rebuild bridges, all our birthdays fell in that period, my daughters 18 and 15, and my 50th then my wife’s 50th, she gets a puppy 4 weeks after I move out. Her entire family turned their back on me, no contact…

     

    I thought things were getting better between us all, I get on really well with my youngest now, my eldest as well but she is very focussed on herself and has issues sleeping away from home(who knows how she’s going to manage going to uni which is her plan) so she won’t sleep over at mine, so we don’t really see each other, which breaks my heart.

     

    Eldest daughter has been to visit me once for two hours, youngest has slept over twice, I purposefully got the two bedroom flat, 5 miles away from my house so it would easy to see them and help out (dad taxi) I pick up my eldest twice a week and give her a lift home from her evening job (she works two evenings a week at a local supermarket) so I am her taxi, so 20 minutes a week contact.

     

    We went out as family, my wife and the girls, for the birthdays had a meal, and a nice time, it got to my wife’s 50th and she said she was going to book a cottage, and I could come up to stay for 1 night with her and the girls and the puppy, gets to a few days before and she says sorry didn’t have time to find a cottage so am getting a b&b taking eldest daughter and puppy, no room for you but youngest daughter has sports matches and a friends birthday party so can you stay at home and look after her. I am gutted, mixed messages everywhere, but at the end of the day, I stay at home and drop off and pick up my daughter, I’ve had enough, and explain in a txt to my wife that we need to talk about the future, I want to try to work it out as I took my marriage vows seriously and I think if she stops and thinks about it that we have had more good times than bad, all marriages go through ups and downs.

     

    I go to see her parents, to ask them four things,

    1: why no 50th birthday card or contact after 32 years of ‘ you’re like as on to me’  from the father in law?

    2: did they ever actually like me?

    3: do they want their daughter to end up on her own and my children to lose their father and break up our home?

    4: as you’ve suffered from depression, why don’t you understand I wasn’t myself, why no support?

     

    1: No birthday card= didn’t have your address

    2: did they ever like me = we dont have an opinion either way

    3: daughter alone and broken home = she has us, and why would their home be broken, they have their family around them, they have us.

    4: depression, you’ve had it, why no empathy or support = if you mention I’ve had depression again I’ll ask you to leave (father in law responds angrily)

     

    I leave feeling she’ll shocked, like my world has tilted, they were my family, what the f*ck is happening?

     

    I go For a pizza with my wife last Friday, she spends the evening saying our marriage was over before it started, that she felt trapped, and I was horrible for years, it this point i just nodded and kept quite thinking ‘perhaps she’s right, I’m a terrible person, I should just go home and end it all’ she then says she doesn’t know how she will feel in 6 months but if she had to say now, she wouldn’t feel any different and it’s over, and that all the occasions and meals we ve been on as family since I moved out have been strained and awkward for her, even though on Father’s Day she suggested we go out for a family meal, she had a couple of glasses of wine and had a really nice time, so did the girls she even asked me in for coffee on the way home.

     

    She doesn’t want any contact via txt, and I said what if I meet someone else and she smirked saying ‘you, in demand I doubt that’, and on her way out said so that’s settled then? Regarding arrangements ie no contact for the next 6 months. She left, I sat down and then 15 minutes later had stopped reeling, it felt like it was all a lie for the last 6 months, there was no plan to see how it goes, it was just a way to get me out of the picture I think.

     

    She wants me to give up the flat in December and move back into the house with my daughter (S) and pay the mortgage and bills, she will move into her parents and then pay for my youngest to continue in private education for the 6th form, she is pissed that I won’t contribute to the fees for the 6th form though,  we’re paying for the current fees from our mortgage overdraft, her idea… and she wants to buy me out if the house, I want to sell to piss my wife off if it comes to that but equally I don’t as I don’t want my children to lose their family home, so confused… but we can’t afford to split the house and walk away with enough to buy a one bedroom flat each, due to the endowment shortfall we have to pay off in 5 years. she can just live in her parents house, if it doesn’t pan out I have nowhere to go so can’t afford to pay further private  school fees for another two years so many mixed emotions…

     

    I sent her one last txt saying I didn’t understand what had just happened  earlier that evening and I thought we were trying to give it another go, no response that was a week ago. So what do I do, stick to the plan, move back in in December, she moves to her parents, I get a year at home with my daughter and then we re-assess,  or I just move back in in December and then don’t move out, she can file for divorce or wait two years until my daughters 18, or walk away, end it all, who knows, head is going to explode…. she thinks she will just come and go from the house even though she asked me to ask permission to pop around to my own home, I said with the greatest of respect no! But to be honest I feel so uncomfortable there now, it was home but now it’s not, nowhere is really, it’s all in limbo and feels surreal.

     

    Maybe her moving back into her parents home is good as she’ll realise it’s her dad she has the issue with as the relate councillor suggested and she will realise I was not totally to blame. Perhaps I am just grieving and will feel more normal in time, but to be honest turning 50 has really brought it all home, and I just don’t want to go through anymore sh*t again, I’m lonely, sad and don’t want to feel like this anymore but I don’t see an easy way out of this or an end anytime soon and I am finding it really hard to trust anyone at the moment, even my children which is awful…

     

    Go back to relate, someone suggested arbitration, or use a solicitor and then it will get really nasty I suppose, don’t really want to go down that route but equally don’t want to get shafted, as I think I’ve been so fair up to now moving out to give her space, after all if she wanted space she could have just moved into her parents straight away but she found the idea unpalatable, now she’s see’s how much money is being wasted and the additional debt building up on the mortgage overdraft she’s realises it’s not tenable long term, ironic she’s an accountant now…

     

    Sorry for the above ramblings, but maybe someone has some sage advice or has been through similar…

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