Feeling worse than ever
28 January 2021 at 11:06 pm #48818
Hello. I’ve posted on here in the past but things in my life just seen to get worse!
So last year (late July) my wife left me and also took our two young daughters. She moved into her parents and for absolutely no reason stopped me seeing the girls. It was getting evident that her stance in me not seeing them wouldn’t change so i instructed a solicitor to help me gain access through the courts etc. After a while she would allow me to see them, but only if it was round her mum’s with her or her mum supervising (again, no reason for this).A couple of months later, my wife met a new man and they rented a new home within a couple of weeks of meeting. For about three months, while they were “getting the new place ready” up until a week before Christmas, the girls remained at their grandmother’s while my wife and her partner lived in the new place. As the weeks went on, her mum started struggling to cope with the girls and eventually let me have the girls over the weekend etc. Ever since the girls moved in with their mum, I’ve been having them every weekend, which has been lovely. Yesterday was the court case (over the phone!), and unfortunately because I and my ex (she is still technically my wife) are so far apart in what outcome we are after, it has to go to a second hearing. Unfortunately I am currently suffering with covid, so haven’t seen the girls for two weeks which has been hell. The courts gave an interim decision that I have them every weekend between now and the second hearing. The trouble is, despite my ex treating me over the last few months like a piece of **** (she even tried telling the court that I’m a violent alcoholic, despite the fact I’d not hurt a fly and the last drink I had was one beer on Christmas day!) aswell as her new man threatening me with violence on a few occasions, I’m still really jealous and hung up over her being happy with someone new. It’s obviously valentine’s Day soon, and thinking of them two together while I’m in my flat all alone, lonely and totally fed up. I just want the happy, loving life where I have a partner who had a mutual love with me and my two beautiful daughters to spend more time with me, but it just all seems to be going wrong. I can’t see myself ever having that happy family life with anyone again, and she has found it within weeks of leaving me. Our marriage was far from perfect. I slept on the sofa for the last 18 months (we were only together for 6 years), we hadn’t had any sex or even a kiss or cuddle for almost two years, we were always bickering and arguing etc and I was deeply unhappy, but I never stopped loving her, so when she left, it hurt so much. I just don’t know how or if I’ll ever snap out of this, considering I’ve got to keep in contact with her and always see her and him together all loved up, i hate it! For some reason, all I think about is her and this new man being intimate, the two of them starting a new life together etc it’s really hurting me. I wake up everyday and I just feel empty and heartbroken. I know for a fact that if it wasn’t for my two girls, I wouldn’t be here now28 January 2021 at 11:51 pm #48820
Oh my, Brokenman
Your story is so depressing and the name you have picked for yourself makes it even more so! You are probably making yourself feel even worse! Sounds like once you’re feeling better recovering from covid,you’re gna have to get to work and make sure she knows what she’s lost…If u keep in mind how unhappy u were mbe that will help to get things in perspective.It’s very easy after it ends to think how rosy it all could have been.But it wasn’t, so try not to fall into that way of thinking bc it just tortures you and you don’t need to inflict more punishment on yourself.29 January 2021 at 6:35 am #48824
i feel your pain and promise you this is temporary and it will pass.
To find some positives, I’m really happy that you’re not with someone who doesn’t love you anymore. I want for you to meet someone more compatible so you can enjoy everything you hoped for again, and you will given time. Now isn’t the time, you need to recover first and focus on yourself.
It’s really positive that you have your children every weekend, you know weekends are precious time as mon-fri are generally pretty monotonous. I hear the screams ‘but I value the baths and bedtime routines’ but you can’t have 100%, it’s not best for the children as they need to access to both parents.
I know you think you know how your ex partner’s relationship is, though you don’t as you’re not there. It’s really easy to portray a perfect life to outsiders. She’s never going to email you telling she had a bust up with him last night! You’ve got to learn how to manage your thoughts and stop them running away with your head. Focus on something else, try distraction. Think about the upcoming time you have planned with the children. Work towards where you need to be going rather than where you’ve been.
On another note, don’t worry about a 2nd hearing, there maybe a 3rd and 4th too. It’s not in your control. Court proceedings are long and drawn out at the best of times. So long as regular contact is secured then we’re good for now. She can not tell you anymore that you need to be supervised by her or her mum or withdraw contact as she feels fit.
I want you to consider that if she broke up with the new guy, would she be happy for you to have the children every weekend still? It may suit her agenda at the moment but that might change if they were to separate, as she might start to feel she’s missing out on the weekends once she’s alone. If you get the CAO finalised before they fall out then it would be more challenging for her to change it.
Further to this, how would you feel about having the children every weekend long term and how would this fit with you dating when the time comes?
You are going to have up days and down days, hopefully you’ll find the down days become less as you start to accept that it wasn’t the relationship you were meant to be in, I’m not sure you’re still in love with her but you’re possibly in love with the memories and the dream you had. You can make that again with the right person.
Currently you need to complete your Covid isolation ‘sentence’ (it’s almost like prison) and just get back to being a great dad, investing quality into the time you have with the children. You’ll get back from them in loyalty and love what you put in.29 January 2021 at 10:06 am #48829
hang in there. the first few weeks and months may feel brutal. a lot of us have experienced similar. I am very happy for you that you get to have your kids every weekend. most dads spend lot of money in family court, only to come out with a basic every other weekend rota. treasure the time you have with your kids. you need to find a way to change your mindset from negative to positive. It’s not the end of the world, you can overcome and move on.29 January 2021 at 1:47 pm #48830
Thank you for your replies! It’s a really horrible feeling. When my wife and I were still together we weren’t happy, I’d been sleeping on the sofa for 18 months, no kissing, hand holding, cuddling or any kind of “intimacy” for around two years, I was unhappy (my friends and family could all see how down I was) and things just weren’t how they should be. But ever since she left, I miss the company (strangely considering it was arguing mostly) which was not good for the girls. I think I also miss the thought of knowing I am in a long term relationship if that makes sense? I’ve always been quite shy and very insecure, and she was my first ever long term relationship (before her I’d o my been in two “relationships, o e that lasted 8 months and the other lasted just 2 months) so I’m worried that I’ll not be able to find anyone again. My ex and her new partner have also made me feel ashamed at being alone and single. Making it out that they are better than me because they are in a relationship and that being single and alone is a way of showing that I’m a failure and a bit of a joke. I really hate this and don’t see it ever getting any easier or better.29 January 2021 at 1:49 pm #48831
when you have time, go on youtube and look up black hole thinking. very useful info.29 January 2021 at 6:25 pm #48842
There’s absolutely no shame in being single Brokenman, I was alone for 2yrs after leaving my relationship and it helped so much, for my personal development. I became a happy single parent. I even learnt to ride a motorbike!
I think it’s a shame anyone remains in an unhappy relationship, committed to torturing each other till their dying day 🤣 Life is too precious and you might need to make a list of things you’d like to achieve and start ticking them off.
I was really committed to spending the rest of my life with my chosen partner, despite the lies, cheating, aggression. I had really strong drive to make our family unit get to the end, like there was some great prize. I wasn’t going to fail or give up easily. But one day I woke up and realised I needed to live my life differently, I wasn’t in a good place. I look at life quite differently now.
I understand the feeling of loss when you’re used to being part of a couple, I think only time and shifting your focus to the future will help your process31 January 2021 at 2:30 pm #48872
Thank you for your responses! I just don’t know how I can get that happiness while life is how it is. I literally wake up in the morning and will go the entire day without seeing or speaking to anyone. I have a few friends (not many unfortunately) but we don’t speak very often as they all have their own lives to live. So I go days and day without saying a word (obviously it’s different when I’m at work, but even at work my job means I spend most of my time alone) so I’m just constantly thinking of how my life should be so much happier. I should have my wife here with me, in love and happy, with our children running round like mad. But instead my wife is living with another guy, totally in love, enjoying their lives together with our children running around their home. I honestly can’t remember the last time I spoke to anyone other than my mum on the phone. I’ve always been shy and insecure which makes it even more hard ever imagining that I’ll find happiness again. I’ve tried the online dating scene and have messaged hundreds of women, but never get a reply. I’m just in a current state of feeling down, worthless and a complete failure and can’t snap out of it!31 January 2021 at 6:44 pm #48875
I think a lot of people will relate to what you’re saying re the isolation, Covid restrictions does make it worse, though happiness won’t come to find you.
When I separated from my ex, I ditched all mutual friends as I wasn’t able to trust them anymore. It left me short on friends though I had a few, and like you I didn’t see them all the time. The reason I learnt to ride a motorbike (CBT) is because I needed to create a completely new social circle, a group of potential friends that didn’t know anything about me. I didn’t tell anyone I was learning. It was my escape. I’m not suggesting you do this specifically but I would recommend that you start thinking about something you might enjoy, absolutely any club or gathering to connect with people having a similar interest. You’ve got to create your own opportunity to meet people.
I’m not sure whether you’ve heard of Andys Man Club? It’s got national locations and it will give you the opportunity to chat with other chaps and offload, even if it’s online only currently.31 January 2021 at 7:13 pm #48876
The trouble is, I’m so shy and nervous, I can’t just bring myself to joining clubs etc. Plus the fact I work (once my covid has cleared up) Monday-friday and have my children at the weekends currently. So I don’t even have the time (or money) to join such clubs etc. All I want in life is to find love and be accepted and happy with someone and for my children to be happy and healthy. But it seems impossible for the love bit to happen!!31 January 2021 at 9:43 pm #48878
I have been on own for years bring ing up my Child and have lots of people to chat and connect with .
What I will tell you is that you need to be kind to yourself and love yourself before you can move 0n to a relationship!! I would even go to the extent of saying that you should enjoy your own company!31 January 2021 at 11:47 pm #48884
Sherinam- I do see what you’re saying and I’ve heard the “you can’t live someone else until you love yourself” mantra so many times, but I find it really hard to accept this, when it’s the whole family life thing that I want and dream of. The happiest moments of my life were back a few years ago when my wife and I were happy and we had our children and we were just a happy, loving, normal family. If I can only be truly happy in a happy family environment, how can I possibly ever be happy living on my own in total silence forever apart from the times I have my children with me? Like today for example. It’s now nearly midnight. I woke up at 8am this morning and haven’t spoken a single word to anybody today. Yesterday was the same and tomorrow will be the same (apart from a two minute call from my parents to check that I’m ok!). How can I possibly “love myself” or enjoy my own company when it’s all just silence and loneliness? I hate all of this!!1 February 2021 at 1:14 am #48887
Hi Mr.(temporarily) Brokenman.
Yeah.You could really spend your whole life learning to love yourself and when you finally master the art you could find you’ve missed the boat & it’s too late.I don’t find those cliches/platitudes etc helpful.I think you need to grab what you can get and heave yourself out of this horrible rut.In the circles I move in divorce is scandalous and my ppl looked at me like I was something the cat dragged in! I learnt to take pride in the fact that I’m doing Two parents job and some of the results are better than some of my married friends who have a lot more support and resources than I do.Not saying it was easy and I wanted to go to bed and never wake up sometimes,even tho I had the kids the loneliness haunted me often as I lost most of my friends and had to stop working, and there were many many tears but I started to do things I wanted to do years ago.I learnt to ice skate & rollerblade bc I was always too scared to and I took my kids on a couple of random trips abroad-i just picked the cheapest tickets I could find to anywhere 😮which was a bit frightening but made me feel alive again.I bet you have things you always wanted to do.Well make this your time.You are going thru a nightmare and huge loss but have to get your head out of your grief a bit.1 February 2021 at 12:05 pm #48899
Maybe what I said Is unhelpful but it’s actually true . No one wants to be on their own .I have gone out and volunteered on Christmas day and done shop ping for peolple rather than sitting on my own and dwelling in the past . If you feel that by moving onto another relationship quickly is beneficial to yourself then good luck !1 February 2021 at 3:17 pm #48909
What I find interesting is that the concept of learning to live by yourself/with yourself and love yourself is trotted out many times After a marriage fails-when an individual seeks to escape their lonely singledom by beginning another relationship.As if just loving yourself enough would be a panacea to your pain.We don’t tend to ladle this advice out to young people looking to start first relationships etc.I think we can all agree that its our nature as humans we are not wired to be happily alone all the time,we need company & even sometimes bickering can be more of a comfort than staring at the walls and listening to the quiet.