Feeling worried

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This topic contains 12 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  SOLOMUMMY 6 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #22737 Report

    Kate1212
    Participant

    so I’ve had months of litigation over contact for my baby, I won’t make this a long drawn out post but to highlight what’s happened so anyone if possible can add any advice or comments I’d be so grateful to hear

     

    short marriage. He leaves after baby born (12 weeks at the time)

    he has a long long history of massive alcohol abuse.

    he seeks access – that’s fine – he is the dad after all. However, she’s tiny (now 10 months old) and breastfed.

     

    i allow two full days a week.

    he pushes for more and more access over the months. I still feel two days is a good start until she’s older – is this wrong? I feel is a good amount.

     

    he takes her without prior permission overnight!

    I stopped all contact.

     

    he hadn’t seen baby in 8 weeks, then had contact centre two weeks ago which was awful. He published a huge huge rant on social media calling me a bad mother and how could I put a baby through a contact centre –

    i did as he broke my trust.

    so I stopped contact once again.

    Court is next week. I’m so nervous! I wholeheartedly feel I’m doing what’s right for our child, utimately I know he will get over nights and I’m prepared to introduce a night a week nearer summer. But I’m being bullied and gas lighted too.

    im fully aware this is about the child not me, she’s my only priority here.

    Any advise is so welcomed please

    #22739 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    Are you self representing?

    Two full days a week is appropriate /generous tbh.

    I would have advised a contact centre tbh if you’d asked at that time!

    I would go down the route that:

    1. Contact is for the benefit of the child not the parent
    2. How can you effectively coparentwith a parent who refuses to return their child as agreed and that moving forward he needs to demonstrate that he will be putting your child’s needs and best interests above his.
    3. That contact doesn’t forever increase and that it now seems appropriate to have a plan for contact that will take you into schooling and hopefully mean no further return to court.

    With three third in mind:

    • I would suggest that at 18 to 24 months the contact moves to two consecutive days preparing to move to overnight contact on an every other weekend basis. With the offer of a midweek afternoon /evening visit.
    • Suggesting increasing to two consecutive overnights every other weekend at around 3
    • Then 3.5-4 include holiday break contact 2 or 3 times a year.
    • At school age either sharing school holidays 5050 or week at Christmas,  easter, twoin summer.
    • Formalise how you’ll share out significant dates including birthdays, mothers days etc.

    Is there alcohol dependency documented by health professionals?  Does he holds down a job? Any conviction for behaviour when drunk?

    #22740 Report

    Kate1212
    Participant

    It’s tremendously difficult to plan everything, he is highly  fixated on 50/50 nothing more or less. He behaviour is quite irrational and that scares me.

    I have records and prof of his previous mental illness and why he is on meds which I gather doesn’t get hold against you.

    He has openly allowed trolls online to pour out abuse towards me. Again I’m told nothing courts will do or care? How’s that right.

    He has a job but barely there as basically runs itself.

     

    #22741 Report

    Kate1212
    Participant

    Ps not self representing x

    #22742 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    I would personally then go with planning for the long term so you can show there’s a progression in mind.

    Likelihood is that if he wants to really go for 50-50 then this approach may at  least get you to school age. The problem if that’s his aim, is that he may just keep returning to court for more, and if no obvious progression planned this is harder to do

    How close do you live to one another?

    What has he included on his court submission?

     

    #22744 Report

    Kate1212
    Participant

    Thanks so much for helping

     

    we live 20 minutes away from eachother. I haven’t read the court summary yet, I should receive it today.

    Do you believe the court will take a dim view the fact I refused contact centre after 1 visit?

    #22745 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    Have you got screenshots of his ranting? If so I’d use that and state that given he didn’t think it was fair on your child you understood that to mean he no longer wished to have contact in a centre.

    Have you got a date?

    Ny advicecreally is push your legal team to go with the planned approach. Just ensure you ask for a caveat that states for example, from xxx age if our son is emotionally ready…. so that if there’s an issue you can try to delay the progression. Likewise a statement that contact must have been regular and consistent, so if he only sees twice a year it doesn’t increase.

    #22746 Report

    Kate1212
    Participant

    I have all the screen shots of all the abuse I’ve had from him over the months. I’ve however had him blocked for a couple of months to save myself from receiving such content so all communication is through lawyers.

    date is next week so soon approaching and I’m hoping it’ll be a good out come for all as I’ve other children to consider.

    #22747 Report

    Hi Kate1212

    I’m glad you are speaking to other parents on the forum.  They can be a good source of help.  What I will be doing is sending you a private message to signpost you some information about agencies which should be able to provide you with up to date information and support.

    Thanks,  Justine

    #22767 Report

    Kate1212
    Participant

    So received my social worker report after phone call last week. Did they actually listen to anything I raised, they seemed to have noted and out ex first. I’m dumbfounded

    #22772 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    Sadly this is how many resident parents feel about SWs and Cafcass involvement.

    As hard as it is – the courts system has long been moving in the direction of shared residency between both parents is seen as the gold standard.

    However, if you have a healthy proposal moving forward taking into account your child’s ages this can still make all the difference in a court scenario.

    Have you looked at my suggestions?

    #22774 Report

    Kate1212
    Participant

    Yes I like your proposals, ex seems inpatient however so I know he will want to rush faster for overnights (baby isn’t quite 11 months yet) x

    #22776 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    Focus on still breastfeeding, you being the primary caregiver, any examples of him not meeting or focussing on baby’s needs especially if putting his wants first.

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