Feeling under pressure

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  • #10408 Report

    Louclare
    Participant

    I am feeling so down and under pressure.i have a 2 year d daughter who left when I told him I pregnant and 5 months  ago  decided he wanted to be in her life which at first I was happy but now it’s caused me so much stress.He has never seen her alone always with support of his partner in my house every 2 weeks couple of hours playing.and last week I let her go for short visit to his mum’s which my daughter found hard…..he is getting married in May they got engaged few weeks after meeting my daughter and he complains that my daughter won’t be there she’s not ready I said why didn’t he concentrate on getting to know her and why rush into a wedding if he wanted her there.i also feel after a 2 year absence my daughter deserves one on one time with her dad not sharing him……i am sick of the rows saying he will take me to court etch I have never said he can’t see her it’s making me so down.

    #10412 Report

    AJ
    Participant

    Hi

    It sounds as though you are being reasonable considering his absence from her life. Your daughter needs to get to know her father and that side of her family gradually and build up the time she has with him over a few weeks / months. I totally agree that she needs one to one time with him so that they can get to know each other.

    Regarding the wedding, who would be taking care of your daughter if she went? I’m assuming that her father wont be looking after her as he’ll be too busy with the wedding etc. Is it local to you? Could you perhaps say that she can go for the ceremony or an hour or two during the reception or whatever as long as her grandmother was looking after her and make sure that she has a few visits with her grandmother (or whoever) before then?

    Longer term, he can’t take you to court without showing that he has tried everything else first. If you decide that it’s in her best interest that she doesn’t go to the wedding, he can’t threaten to take you to court just because of that. He hasn’t been in her life for 18 months or so and can’t suddenly pitch up and start threatening court because things don’t go his way.  Quite frankly, if he tried, he’d just be making a bit of a xxx of himself.

    If he is being at all reasonable, try writing up a Parenting Plan with him the first instance. You can download one from Cafcass website which is quite good. A mediator can help you with this if needs be. If you have tried that and he either won’t cooperate or the plan has failed for whatever reason, then you can go to court.

    Does that help at all?

    #10413 Report

    AJ
    Participant

    What I meant to add – don’t let him pressure you into doing anything you are not happy with. As you have brought your daughter up by yourself so far,you know her best and what she is ready for. Can you have a friend or family member with you when you speak to him for a bit or moral support?

    #10418 Report

    Louclare
    Participant

    Hi thanks for your advice , I do feel like it’s me against 2 people ! I feel he only got back in contact to please his partners family who are moral.i wrote to his mother my daughter’s grandmother when she was born and send photos saying I’d like her involved even though her son wasn’t I never heard anything……the wedding is not local she only once met the grandmother and the weddings 3 weeks so she wouldn’t know her before hand…..i feel I have been reasonable I worry how you explain the 2 year absence when she’s older.i also feel his partner tells him what to say a lot and reason they rushed wedding is to start a family which looks bad when u have a child you don’t know yet.

     

    #10423 Report

    Louclare
    Participant

    Thanks …he would never let me come to the wedding ! I feel like he has a problem with me and kinda wants me out the way and them to play families…..he treated me horribly but I’ve put that aside for my daughter .

    #10425 Report

    AJ
    Participant

    In that case I don’t think it’s reasonable or appropriate for your daughter to go to the wedding. If she’s only two, its not appropriate for her to be with people she doesn’t really know for that period of time.

    I would start making a diary of your conversations with her father – dates, times, nature of the conversation and your reasoning behind any decisions.

    Write down when he does see her, who is there and whatever you have offered him in terms of time with his daughter etc even if he doesn’t take you up in the offer so that you can show you are being as reasonable as possible.

    (My ex complains he doesn’t see his daughter enough but when he does have her, he drops her home early and doesn’t take up my offers of extra time with her – I am writing all of this down and keeping texts etc in case our parenting plan falls apart and we end up in court)

    I would say that you will only discuss the long term plan for his involvement in your daughter’s life with him and him alone. If he refuses and insists that his new partner or his mum is there, I would look into writing up a parenting plan with the help of a mediator. As far as I am aware, only you and he would be allowed in those meetings.

    It sucks doesn’t it, if he is planning a family with his new partner and doesn’t have much to do with the daughter he already has? Unfortunately there’s loads of us on this site in similar situations – my ex walked out on me and our 7 year old daughter and moved straight in with a new partner and her 5 kids. He is playing daddy to her kids but barely sees his own child – we went through IVF to have her and until recently,she had a lot of health problems and he’s just walked away as though she means nothing. Watching her pain and being unable to do anything about it or even explain it, is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with. I don’t recognise the man I married. But in the end, however angry I get with my ex, I will never change him or what he has done and that anger and frustration will only eat you up in the end.

    #10426 Report

    Louclare
    Participant

    Thank you it is so hard…i also have a nearly 11 year old son who I raised alone dad never interested and lives abroad so I never had to deal with this.i don’t get how people can think about starting a new family and haven’t done right by the one before.i don’t really have anything against her as am sure he has told her lies she will actually ask me stuff about my daughter her dad asks nothing ! I want to try and get on for my daughter.

    #10429 Report

    Louclare
    Participant

    I know but I know if /When I have someone else he will get jealous .I’ve had them in my house every other week let them come at Xmas and Easter I have been reasonable .He has just started paying maintenance I just feel he didn’t come to the realisation he needed to step up alone it was done to benefit himself.My life’s quite stressful already I work plus have a few medical problem and not much family support.

    #10431 Report

    Louclare
    Participant

    We both kinda agreed fortnightly is all we can do …he lives over 30 drive away and works a lot I also work a lot so only get time with her at weekend and she has a brother she loves seeing who is at school in week.i think they see her family at weekend plus do wedding stuff and he plays cricket so want weekend to themselves and I would let him see her if he really wanted to I think that’s all it’s going to be and I don’t mind……i am just letting him take her out I am fine with that but she asks him in to see her toys I find it hard to say no cause I want to be cival.

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