Feeling helpless with ex denying contact

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  • #63883 Report

    Heartmygirl
    Participant

    I’m really struggling and could do with some support so here goes… separated 3 years ago after wife of 9 years had an affair. Divorce took 1.5 years due to difficult ex trying to get all she could, which included the family home. Child arrangements were agreed without a court order and I had to settle for 2 nights per week as non resident parent however with the benefit of doing school pickup every day. This arrangement has been unchanged for 3 years. My ex has now decided she wants more contact and has begun to try and alienate me. Two weeks ago she wrote a letter to the school claiming that our daughter cries after her visitations with me and accusing me of all sorts of terrible behaviour. She manipulated her family into believing this work of fiction to justify her actions and immediately started to do the school pickups giving me no opportunity to talk with our daughter and expose her lies. I refuse to use our daughter as a football or expose her to any conflict so it is now two weeks since I saw my daughter and I suspect my ex plans to keep this up over Christmas just to twist the knife. Using our daughter as a weapon, how low can a person go. I contacted my solicitor and the school straight away and avoided engaging with my ex who started persistently asking me to attend mediation to ‘understand why our daughter is so upset’. My solicitor has now referred us to a mediator, as this is required before I can take the matter to court. Can someone explain to me how this can be allowed to happen? I am sick with anxiety and helpless while my daughter is in the hands of a malicious mother, just having to ‘wait it out’ until this eventually gets settled by the court, thousands of pounds later. Has anyone out there had a similar experience? This really is the worst and I sympathise with anyone that has.

    #63884 Report

    HillTop1
    Participant

    It’s really hard when people accuse us stuff that’s not true. But I think you need to let that go and focus on your daughter.

    You need to engage with mediation. Are you not allowed to see your daughter at all atm or are you choosing not to do so – it’s not clear.

    What are the things you’ve been accused of? You state they’re not true but have you. Tried to see why your daughter might have misrepresented or misinterpreted things? She’s going to need your explanations and your full acceptance if there are any areas where you weren’t 100% on it.

    You seem to have a lot of anger for the mother. Tbh the financial split isn’t relevant to what you’re talking about. It does suggest a lot of resentment on your part.

    Doing every school run is a good thing. Really commendable.

    #63885 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    Hi,

    sorry to hear what your going through. I think you have made the right choice by taking the legal route. I don’t see why you should be denied access to child if you have done nothing wrong. bear in mind that xmas school holidays can become 3 weeks long, if school open few days later. so I would recommend you to speak to your lawyer, to have a very well defined court order. if it is vague, then your ex could use it to keep kids away from you for 2 weeks during xmas or other holidays for example.

    #63887 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    Hello,

    first of all, no problem with anger and resentment. Most of us are fighting this and try to vent it here, rather than letting it become part of the children’s life. So go for it. Usually, before taking unilateral steps, one should try to resolve the issue with the other parent. Instead of writing the letter to school, the father clearly should have been the first point of call. That is probably what the mediator should be made aware of. The next big thing is, refusing all contact unilaterally, if you have done nothing wrong, is clearly a very big step in the wrong direction. Your ex seems to be a bit self obsessed. Begs the question here, what would you like to achieve in mediation. Can you facilitate 50/50. Might be worth thinking of to go for it. Your ex has a weak hand now anyway, because if it is true, that you have done nothing wrong, her actions will set her back significantly in court. Don’t focus on her. Just ignore how you feel about her actions, focus on what she is doing to the child. What the disadvantages for the child are, what you would do better to improve her wellbeing. That is what you should bring across in the mediation. And don’t compromise just for the sake of compromising. Make a plan and stick to it. But always under the pretext, what is best for the child. Always remember, it is not about the parents, it is about the child and what you can do to improve the situation. How you would communicate any problems and what the benefits for your daughter are, if you have more access to her and she to you.

    #63899 Report

    Heartmygirl
    Participant

    Thanks for the replies. My daughter’s mother has started to pick her up from school every day, hence I have had no contact in over 2 weeks. There’s nothing to stop me from attempting to pick her up, but as I mentioned,  I don’t want to put my daughter in a situation where she feels pulled between us both, so I have stayed away from the school for her sake. The accusations against me are that my daughter often cries after her visitations with me because I have shouted at her or ignored her, and that she has trouble sleeping and concentrating at school because ‘she keeps thinking about her angry daddy’. Basically, my ex has painted me as a monster in this letter to the school. As I mentioned above, these are lies that my ex has used to justify her actions. My daughter and I have a loving relationship and I rightly consider myself to be a model father. Yes, I have a lot of anger toward her mother, due to the circumstances behind our divorce, but never do I take my anger out on my precious daughter. I accept we must mediate, and I shall certainly be looking to do everything I can in the interests of our daughter. However, knowing my ex as I do, she will perpetuate her lying and refuse all contact until a court order is sealed. She doesn’t give a hoot about our daughter’s best interests, because she is hell bent on ‘having’ our daughter for herself and hurting me in the process. Can anyone be surprised if I feel resentment toward her?

    #63906 Report

    steve3334
    Participant

    hi,

    yes I can understand your resentment towards your ex. any parent that uses children as weapons are………… long list 🙂 I am also facing similar issues at moment during this coming holiday period. we just have to fight for our rights to be in our children’s lives.  I really hope this can get sorted out for you and child ASAP.

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