3 July 2018 at 6:52 pm #12939
Hi. I gues I’m just after a place to off load how I’m feeling that feels “safe”.
the short version is that I’ve been a single mum for almost 6 years now. My ex left and then asked for a divorce as he was living with someone else within months. He went against what he agreed to in the divorce so I went to CMS after seeking advice as communication was none existent. He has continually attempted to get me to stop using CMS but communication always breaks down with him becoming aggressive. He has again asked for us not to use CMS and made an offer which I have been advised not to accept as he has with help payments previously. I’ve been accused of just subsidising my lifestyle and get texts from himquestioning my parenting when my son is with him. This evening I’ve been asked why I didn’t tell him about sports day and why my son hasn’t gone to see his granddad tonight. He’s also had his dad give me a letter asking me to agree to a lower maintenance payment and ask me when I will be responding to it. He does all this via text or through someone else yet won’t actually talk to me in person, even when I drop off or collect my son.
i feel like I can’t go anywhere or do anything with it getting back to him or him checking up on me and questioning why i have or haven’t done something. I don’t question him when he has my son. I feel harassed. I suffer with anxiety and have done since before I met him and all that happened since and he makes it worse. I feel it rising when I know I have to see him, I feel sick and like my breathing is fast and shallow, and when I find a message from him it sends my heart rate racing. I’ve now got to the point where I’m wary of being out in my home town in case he appears from round a corner and having to take my son to his paternal grandfather brings those same feelings as he is now siding with his son after appearing relatively neutral for the last 5.5 years.
How do I tell him to back off and stop pestering me? Do I reply to him? Ignore the messages? Get my parents to respond to his fathers letter?3 July 2018 at 9:04 pm #12941
Thank you Anonymous. Much appreciated16 July 2018 at 11:13 pm #13522
I did all those things as was advised by a domestic abuse charity and the police to ignore any unnecessary messages. My ex laughed at me when I had to have someone present when he collected or dropped the kids off. It was a total nightmare (this is just a very small part of what happened) and made me feel anxious most often time. He also planted a recording device in my room after he’d moved out, which made me feel completely violated, again, he seems to forget this now.
Cut off his oxygen supply and then he’ll have no one to communicate with. If it’s not an emergency about your Son, ignore it. The separate email address is a really good idea and tell him you’ll check it 3 times a week, then you can prepare yourself and deal with the messages knowing you’re in control, if you don’t like what you read, leave it and go back to it later. Also, when replying, take your time and be eloquent, intelligent and measured – narcissists hate that.
Good luck x