Feeling dreadful-How much contact do I actually have to give to Ex Husband

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Nemeton 1 year, 2 months ago.

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  • #13809 Report

    Nemofish00
    Participant

    I have gone through a horrendous breakup involving a 2 and almost 3 year old, my husband was found to be having an affair- im a few months into this now but still feel dreadful and so guilty to the children that he up and left us all and was so selfish….. he on the other hand shows so guilt and is just getting on….why cant I? I havent done anything and feel dreadful. He has lied, cheated, left us and just breezes in and out of our home, I cant handle it if Im honest 🙁

    At first he had contact 3 nights a week and a weekend day. Im just finding it so hard him coming and getting them and taking them away- they only go for a hour or so for dinner and then he puts them to bed (3 eves a week). He then collects them sat and has all day.

    I feel like I effectively miss out on huge chunks of their lives, it makes me feel so sad.

    I want to drop the eves a week to x2 and still keep the weekend day.. I just miss them too much and feel like I want more time with them. He wont like it if I do this and I dont even know if I can? Hed still see them Tue 3-7 and Thur 3-7 and the a Sunday. I just miss them so much and dnt know what to do for best, all my spirit, fight and confidence is gone

     

     

    #13810 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    The children don’t belong to you – you have to learn to share. There’s no reason for you to restrict his access except for your own personal reasons – and what’s to stop you wanting to restrict him more and more. No, kids are not a bargaining chip for you to play with.

    #13812 Report

    Nemofish00
    Participant

    I am sharing them as shown above! I feel that the contact above is quite acceptable- x2 eves in the week and x1 weekend full day. The x1 eve I am considering moving falls on my day off so I’d just like to enjoy a full day with them which I think is very reasonable and natural to.

    #13817 Report

    Empty
    Participant

    You feel its acceptable to you. But there are other people in the world. You could switch a day if he agrees to but you can’t just steal a day. You might think it’s ok to do so but he won’t and nor will your children. And nor would a magistrate. Sharing doesn’t mean you get as much as you want when you want it, so no, you are not sharing.

    #13820 Report

    xxx
    Participant

    Hi I’m so sorry to hear about your awful experience. My husband did the same. Its awful and I expect you feel shell shocked and their sudden nasty behaviour makes interaction very difficult. I don’t know what normal amounts of contact are as it seems to depend very much on the absent parents wilingNess to even see the kids so many don’t even bother. It’s probably good for the children to have little and often contact to help them cope with the shock they are also going through. I don’t see why you shouldn’t move the days around so that you spend your day off with them why not offer him a different evening. This is hugely traumatic for the children but it was not you that caused it. Try not to feel guilty. Look up Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark. Good book and she has a support website.

    I don’t think your ex has any reason to be in your home. It is generous of you to allow that and I see the advantage with them being small at the moment but he has no right to be there and if you can’t cope with it you don’t need to host him. Your own mental and emotional health impacts your ability to create a positive happy home the rest of the time… no one can measure what is really best for the kids. It’s not going to be perfect no matter what the arrangement. Maybe you would feel better if he didn’t come into the house. He doesn’t need to invade your personal space while you are trying to heal. You could use the time he has the children to rest or treat yourself or catch up on all the chores. It’s so hard being a single parent with little kids. See if you can take advantage of the time out. You might find that it’s him swanning in and out of your home that is causing you most upset rather than the number of contacts.

    I hope you feel better soon xxxx

    #13858 Report

    jasmin3
    Participant

    I personally feel 2 x evenings a week and one full weekend day is actually very generous of you. I really feel for you, it’s so unfair you have to see your children less because HE upped and left. Nobody has children wanting to be split up half the week from them xx

    #13882 Report

    Nemofish00
    Participant

    I have spoken to a solicitor and they said to drop one of the week days so reduce it to x2 eves and give him  x1weekend day….

    i feel relieved as don’t even want to be near him but will obviously be pleasant as always around the children.

    solicitor said for him to collect at door  as much as possible to so that he isn’t in the property unecesaarily or for too long. They are both very young so this is sometimes tricky due to naps but I can definitely tighten things up so that I see him less

     

     

    #13888 Report

    xxx
    Participant

    That’s great glad you got advice and hope it works for you and that you can start to recover. Much love hun xxxxxx it does get easier even if it feels like u have been hit over the head with a sledge hammer right now x

    #13912 Report

    Nemeton
    Participant

    I know how you feel. My ex-wife did similar and it hurts for years.  I feel ‘Mediation’ is the way forward not a solicitor. mediators see both partners either together or in separate rooms.

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