Feeling desperate

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  • #26783 Report



    Iv just joined and in desperate need of help/advice

    I can’t take much more of the relationship I’m in, we have 2 children, and a mortgage together, he made me give up my job after our second child as I worked away and he wouldn’t change shifts in work to help look after the kids,  Iv been unemployed for a while now, he criticises every job I get offered and talks me out of taking it,

    i have no money I can’t claim anything as he earns too much,  not that I see a penny of it!!  I have credit card bills to pay and no way of paying them!  I can’t leave as I have nowhere to go with the kids, we haven’t spoken for a week now but his mind games are in full swing around the house! We have a joint account for the bills etc but I can’t take anything out without him knowing!

    Hes started telling lies to our eldest about me and trying to get us all fighting!

    I cant take much more of being here but have nowhere to go! The CAB were useless and said while we’re under the same roof I can’t claim a penny!

    Can anyone give me any advice please?

    Many thanks x

    #26787 Report



    I’m in a very similar situation. I am stuck living in the same house as my husband even though he says he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

    All our money is controlled by him and he earns too much for me to claim anything. I tried the CAB and your right their useless. My husband is talking about selling the house but my half will not be enough to buy anywhere else. My kids are my only emotional support right now which is not fair on them that is why I am on here now.  Long term I know it will be better to split but the road to getting there seems long and impossible. It’s so hard when you just want to know you will be alright, you reach out to get help but all you get is general generic information that may or may not apply to you.

    Mediation seems like the next step but can’t get up the courage to broach the subject with him as he likes to be in control.

    Sorry I cant be of any practical help but you are not alone in your situation.

    Good luck x

    #26788 Report


    Sorry to read what you are all going through . My last relationship was where I was manipulated but thankfully I had my screwed on and I had a job and own finances.

    This sounds very much like coercive controlled relationship . I hope that is the right name . There are a lot of people who are controlled by partner e.g finances and having control of their lives. I think coronation Street  will run a story to highlight this and apparently the abuser can be taken to court for this

    #26805 Report


    I’m so sorry to hear this. I dont have any advice as such but I wanted to send you a hug and please know, although it feels like it, you are not alone.

    This site is really great and I know the right person will come along with some good advice for you. I have found some amazing friends on here.

    #26816 Report


    Hi and welcome to the forum.

    What Bellaboo and Nikooki have described is blatantly abuse and new laws have not long come in that acknowledge and tackle these problems.

    CAB is I agree pretty useless so here are 3 ideas that might help. Firstly phone the gingerbread team on their helpline 0808 802 0925 (click on the contact link below for more info), they are trained to help and will be able to signpost you better than I can.

    The other 2 ideas are organisations that deal directly with domestic abuse. Woman’s Aid 0808 2000 247 and the National domestic violence helpline 0808 2000 247. Both also have very good websites, you will find there what is classed as abuse and I think that you both are suffering abuse.

    All the best



    #26818 Report


    Thank you all for taking the time to reply and for the information you have given me,  and I’m so sorry nikooki that you are in the same horrible boat as me!!

    Chez86 also thank you your words mean a lot!!

    I’m going to have to get the courage to have it out with him and tell him exactly how I feel!    I can’t carry on living like this it’s mental torture!

    Wish me luck

    thanks again xx

    #26820 Report



    It might seem odd that I suggested the violence helpline but please remember that not all violence is physical.

    Good luck


    #26826 Report


    I’ve just read back through my reply earlier and it’s a bit confusing.

    The national domestic violence helpline is a joint venture between women’s aid and refuge.


    #26911 Report


    I have to second Mark’s response here.  Situations like a few of you described above is psychological abuse. Sherima’s use of the word controlling kind of sums it up.  Some people use the term narcissistic but it’s become a bit of a buzzword and cliche’ however some aspects of manipulation, mind games or gaslighting, emotional blackmail and isolating you from friends or family are all common themes.  The moment you find the courage to get in touch with someone and find a way out don’t lose sight of that hope.  There is a life outside of that prison and your only regret will be not to have done it sooner.  Stay strong and you will find plenty of support here from people in similar situations.  Contrary to popular belief it is a problem that can affect both sexes but in the situations described above Mark’s suggestions would be best as leaving as a unit of mother and children and finding help with that from refuge etc is something they can help with while you find your feet.

    #26929 Report


    Hello hun,

    i have been in your situation… unfortunately twice! I have just left my relationship (if you can call it that!) You CAN do this, believe me! I definitely agree to call the domestic violence helpline and also womens aid, they will help you.

    You might not be ready to leave straight away but with all the information you need it will give you time to think and build up your strength. (You are already stronger than him as your not a bully) this is emotional abuse and is taken very seriously now.

    Believe me, it’s the hardest thing in the world to do and to put it bluntly, it’s not going to be a walk in the park BUT you will feel so much better being free!!

    Feel free to message me if you need any support x


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