Feeling alone and afraid
9 June 2021 at 5:49 am #55009
Hi im new to this so not sure what to say. Im 45 and 3 weeks ago my wife told me she wanted to split. I have 3 kids from a previous relationship that lives with us and 1 we have together. I don’t know where it came from but im worried.
We are still live under the same roof and even though she said were adults and can make it work till i find a place, i feel trapped and isolated. In the last 3 weeks it increasingly more difficult as cant sleep not eating properly through worry.
Ive started the process with council but could take months to find anywhere for me and my 3 kids. Its so bad that im going to have to move in with family me and my son at my mums and my twin girls with my sister. I know not i deal but they are being effected being here as much as i am. Dont help as im working nights too.
I guess I’m just looking for people to talk to thats been through similar for advice and friendship in the dark lonely moments.9 June 2021 at 1:24 pm #55017
I know that sick to your stomach anxiety feeling really well, it is so horrible. I don’t usually promote taking meds but have you tried antihistamines like Benadryl. When life has been very stressful to the extent I cant eat or sleep I have found these helpful, they make you a little drowsy. Trying to get through each day and night is the best you can do right now. Thinking about the future is a recipe for severe anxiety so my first suggestion is do all you can to think only of getting through each day and then each week at the most.
Is it your partners home so you have no stake in it financially? Ref housing, if you are in the process of submitting an application for social housing I would make sure you really stress the severity of the situation; your anxiety and stress, the number of kids dependent upon you. I would go to the doctor and talk to them about what is happening, the level of stress and anxiety you are suffering and ask whether they may write a supporting letter for your housing application.
I have only one child but have endured some extremely stressful situations. My housing has always been precarious. We live with family at the moment and it is very difficult. I am desperately seeking alternative accommodation. I have resorted to a large tent and have made the most of fun exciting weekends away with my son. It isn’t ideal though knowing you have no permanent home of your own and sleeping on a cold tent floor! I know what it is like when you are in a home that isnt yours and you know you have to get out asap yet have no where to go.
As long as you are ok, your kids will be ok. Even after all this, there will be a way through where you will have happiness again and the anxiety will lessen and lessen. Do everything you can to look after your body and mind, I mean eat as well as you can, deep breathe as much as you can (sounds so cheesy but I didn’t realise how little I breathed properly when full of stress and anxiety, just doing this has helped calm me alot) , take some antihistamines for sleep, if not enough, look at the next option and speak to the doctor.
Despite my situation, I do not have severe anxiety and cope ok. You are just in shock at the moment I imagine and it will take time to get through the initial shock of all that you feel you have lost.
Lots of hugs to you10 June 2021 at 3:36 am #55025
Thanks for your kind and supporting words its much needed at this moment. Yes she has the house, I’m just scared of how im going to get through the change and worried for my kids as they lost there mum to cancer several years ago and now it feels like they are losing another.
I think the isolation feelig is because i now see she came between me and friends and family. Has a few drinks and verbally attacks me making me feel worthless. So i built a bubble around me and forgot about who i was and to my detriment let it affect my relationship with my kids, to the point i just sat in the kitchen playing games on my phone. For letting that happen i hate myself.
I will get the relationship back with my kids but housing officer said it could take upto 6 months so feeling like I’m on my own.11 June 2021 at 2:10 pm #55202
Hi Darren, I think guilt regards our parenting mistakes is so destructive. Let it go. Your phone was your escape, you haven’t always been the ideal father you wanted to be but believe me when I tell you that your kids always want to see the best in you. They will not hold this against you and if they do ( depends on age) they won’t for long.
We have all made mistakes. Owning up to them, taking responsibility for them and committing to doing what it takes to move forward is all you need to do.
Your kids have been through alot and this is another thing you wish you could shield them from. You can’t, this is their life and this is how it has panned out so far. However, they have someone amazing there still caring for them; that’s you. I think honesty is really important with kids. Be as honest as you can within reason ( not the detail of the relationship and why it broke down) but generally be honest and re assure them you will do whatever it takes to be there for them no matter what.
I would get to the doctor and really stress the fact you have anxiety and severe stress. Your kids are highly vulnerable having lost a parent and you’re concerned how a long term wait for hosting will make things difficult for them. Find the most sympathetic G.P at your surgery. You may have to pay £30 for the GP letter to provide to housing.
I have spent years kicking myself for all the trauma my child has endured. But it wasn’t my fault, I was not responsible for all of it and have grown immensely because of it, as as my little one. This is how you could try look at it for now. We are all making mistakes along the way and kids will always forgive you if you just apologise for any big mess ups and re assure them you’re not going anywhere.
Being with a drinker is not good for anyone, especially your kids, I’d see this as the blessing in disguise. You won’t see that now but in the future you just might.
Just do what you have to to keep yourself healthy and feeling as strong as you can.