Feel so let down by our current legislation

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Mads 3 weeks, 2 days ago.

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  • #25014 Report

    Mads
    Participant

    Hi everyone! First time poster. Be prepared I’m quite fed up as I’m writing this…

    I have a son, who is almost 2 years old. Me and his father split up, when my son was just 3 weeks old. His ‘father’ never contributed towards his care either financially or physically. He didn’t ask to see him even once. Even his family didn’t see him.

    I named him on the birth certificate because I didn’t want my son growing up thinking he had no father, but did not realise that in by doing so, I voluntarily handed over all of mine and my sons’ legal rights.

    Why is it, I can not acknowledge the biological father, without giving him all of these rights to my child?

    Forgive me for sounding bitter, but this man has never once helped or supported me, or even shown an ounce of interest in my child and yet I have to ask his permission to take my son on a holiday? It boils my blood.

    If God forbid, something happens to me, this man who has never once wanted to see my son since his birth, will automatically be solely responsible for him?

    I appreciate there are fathers out there who are desperate to be around for their kids, but trust me this guy isn’t one of them.

    He doesn’t want my son, and yet the current legislation forces me to beg for his permission to take him abroad, get him christened, which school he can attend etc. And not to mention at any point he could decide he can finally be bothered parenting, and he will have free access to my son!

    I just feel so alone. He mentally broke me time and time again, he’s an open drug user and yet my son can’t so much as sneeze without me having to ask my ex’s permission first.

     

     

    #25017 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    Sadly the legislation to protect unmarried mothers  and children has been there for quite some time.  The reality is that like you many lone mothers don’t research one of the most important decisions they’re going to make for their children.

    The protection is there sadly you’ve waivered it. I don’t think the system is wrong as such just that mothers need to be more informed.

    You can get a blanket permission letter re travel abroad.  Though many don’t ….. The other issues until  they come up carry on regardless unless he informs you that he wants to be informed.

    #25023 Report

    Mads
    Participant

    Hi solomummy, thanks for responding.

     

    I actually did research it, but I was bullied by my ex and his mother to name him on there. I almost lost my son when he was born, I received no help and was in a very exhausted state when I signed his birth certificate. I actually spoke to a solicitor though, and he told me that if he was the father then I had to name him on the birth certificate. I found out too late that this was untrue. At the actual signing of the birth certificate I was sobbing inconsolably and at no point was I informed that I didn’t have to add his name.

    That being said, a father can have his name added at any time, provided there is proof that he is the biological parent. My ex obviously wouldn’t have gone to such an extent, seeing as he isn’t remotely interested.

    But these were the facts I had.

     

    My issue is, it should not be a choice of name the partner and surrender your rights, or else leave it blank. I know full well who my sons father is, and therefore should be able to record his name without giving him PR.

    I was coerced into recording his name on my sons birth certificate by two very shady individuals (him and his mother) and as a result my every choice regarding my son can be over turned by someone who wouldn’t know his child in a lineup.

    #25151 Report

    xxx
    Participant

    Do we need permission to go abroad with our children? Sorry to jump on your thread…. if the dad is not interested presumably he is not opposing what you do. Why do you need permission? I have no idea where my ex is…. how would I ask for permissions?!

    #25159 Report

    Mads
    Participant

    You need permission if you intend to leave the country for anything over two weeks.

    If stopped at passport control, you would have to demonstrate that you took all steps within your power to locate your ex, prior to taking the child abroad with permission.

     

    I’m telling you, these laws are ridiculous.

    They have zero involvement out of choice, and then the parent who stands up, sacrifices and nurtures the child, has to acquire permission for deicisons made.

    #25160 Report

    xxx
    Participant

    Oh… I had not known it was an issue. Is it different for 2 weeks/1 week holiday?

    My ex wouldn’t object to anything I did.  I just don’t know where he is anymore.

    I wonder if Brexit will make it all even stricter!

    #25205 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    If named on birth certificate and no child arrangements order in place you need permission for the child to leave the country for ANY DURATION.

    Refardless of their involvement.

    However plenty don’t get it. But risk being challenged. And the other parent can accuse you of kidnap.

    #25207 Report

    Mads
    Participant

    Having saught legal council I was informed I could leave the country legally for up to 2 weeks

     

    As to whether or not your ex would mind, it is still the law that you receive consent to leave the country. This is my problem. My ex wouldn’t mind either. He has WILLFULLY abandoned my son. And yet even so, the onus is on me to acquire permission from him to take my son on a holiday, or get him christened, or which school he attends.

    I named him on the birth certificate because I was under duress to do so, but he is the father of my child, and can at any time apply to be on there anyway.

    What I find disgusting is that, at any time a parent can off and abandon their responsibilities for a child, yet the law will still enforce their say in the decisions of said child.

     

    There should be a way of acknowledging a parent, without giving them the rights to the child.

    I can’t emphasise that my ex wants nothing to do with my son, so then, why should I track him down and beg for his permission to do a single damn thing?

    #25277 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    Mads

    I can tell you that you have been given erroneous advice.

    Any duration outside of the UK requires both parents consent.

    #25285 Report

    Mads
    Participant

    Hi solomummy. The issue is not the duration of a holiday, it is the principle.

    #25348 Report

    14Fi
    Participant

    Start an online petition to get legislation changed, or ask gingerbread to look into this. I am sure lots of members would sign this. Also there are changes in progress re domestic violence…this includes coercion. Might be worth exploring. I managed to get a court order granting sole parental rights, though I know this is unusual at the moment.

    #25351 Report

    Mads
    Participant

    Hi 14Fi! Thankyou so much for your response–it is really helpful 🙂

     

    My mum heard something about these new movements on the Jeremy vine show, but I haven’t heard anything myself. My ex hasn’t ever physically ‘abused me’. He has thrown my new born son at me twice, but my issue isn’t with pursing any criminal charges. My issue is that he simply doesn’t want to be involved. I believe parental rights should be earned, not given.

    If my ex wants nothing to do with my son, why does the current legislation continue to force my son onto him?

    I intend to write to my local mp.

    I remember my first meeting with the health visitor before my son was born, and I cried for over an hour at how unhappy I was in my situation and how my ex was treating me. She was sympathetic but did nothing.

    I had a total breakdown at the signing of the birth certificate and the registrar again did nothing, she didn’t advise me of my rights or anything, just got me a tissue.

    I’ve done nothing wrong, I’ve devoted the last two years of my life to my child. I’m in my final year of my nurses training, and I’ve had to literally scrimp around to afford a nice upbringing for my son, whilst I study with being a single parent.

    He has lived his own life happily and without any concern of my child, and yet he holds all of these rights. I just feel let down.

    Sorry to be whinging on this post, I’m just terribly upset and angry about it all. I want my son to share my surname. I want to have the freedom to live in whichever country I choose. To take him on whatever holidays he likes. And for the next 16 years, I’m trapped by some asshole who probably doesn’t even want to have parental responsibility! It seems so backwards.

    #25364 Report

    14Fi
    Participant

    Domestic abuse isn’t just physical. Mental, emotional, financial, psychological, coercion are all forms of abuse. Throwing your child at you could be seen as endangering your child. Maybe it is worth finding out about domestic abuse services in your area and getting some some support for you. It can be extremely difficult putting yourself back together again after these experiences.

    #25373 Report

    Mads
    Participant

    Thanks 14Fi- I did struggle. But I moved forward with my life, rebuilt and gave and continue to give my son, everything I can.

     

    Which is why I feel the way I do. He was awful to me, and couldn’t care any less for my son. I just feel powerless. I want my the freedom to live my life, and I don’t feel like I have it. I want to Christen my son, but obviously require my ex’s consent. It just feels like such a kick in the teeth.

    <span style=”text-align: center;”>I know that if I had sole PR, I wouldn’t feel so on edge all the time. I’m holding off the Christening or booking holidays, because of the situation (and the fact I was threatened to give my son his surname instead of my own, so I got a grilling at passport control which freaked me). My ex did enough damage to my life, that it feels unfair that these consent issues hover over me like a black cloud.</span>

     

    I just wish there would be some recognition for my sacrifice, but also, some recognition for his abandonment (legally speaking of course, my son is thriving and his happiness is recognition enough for my parenting 😊).

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