Feel lonely and depressed all the time!
15 June 2020 at 11:51 am #41010
I’m 31 and a mum of 3 boys! They are 7,4,2! I suffered from depression before I even had the children! There dad currently lives at his mums I’m on my own and on benefits!! I hate being on benefits feel worthless!! I don’t have any friends really either from having the children! I just feel so upset and lonely all the time, most days I don’t have ( get up and go either! ) I just sit and mope most days!! Dwelling on things!! There dad is good when he wants to be but feel, he has no respect for me at all! I still love him but sometimes I think why?! I was a hairdresser in a good salon had lots of friends! now I feel I’m trapped at home all the time with no friends! No job, I’m quite a sociable person so the loneliness is affecting me!! I always wanted kids marriage and a happy family life (don’t we all!!) but not happened, I can’t get over there dad, we still talk and he has the kids on a Sunday! He says he still loves me, but the reason why we split up so many times is because his life hasn’t changed he has friends, a job a life! He used to go out all the time drinking and taking drugs 😭 I feel he chose that over me and his children he’d say just nipping out and wouldn’t see him for 2 days… as the years have gone on he has improved slightly Like grown up a bit but he’s still got a lot of growing up to do!!! It’s me looking after the children everyday even when he has them on a Sunday sometimes he just sits on his phone really annoys me. It’s me with all the responsibilities and it’s draining!! He is a bit of a work aholic too I had to ask for him to have a Sunday off as the kids need there dad!! So this is what he did! But why did I have to ask? He is currently not giving me any money hardly yet he’s earning a good wage I have to beg basically which also is draining, he has all his wage to himself with hardly any bills, He goes from his mums to his dads to live and doesn’t pay them anything either, they annoy me in a way, as this isn’t helping him! It’s not making Him stand on his own two feet!! I do take medication for my depression but at the moment it doesn’t seem to be helping!! I think when you have so much going on the tablets don’t even touch the sides!!! I am new to this forum, I feel I havnt got anyone else to talk to my mum listens but I think she gets annoyed with me as all this has been going on for so long plus she has her own problems to deal with! I know it’s not just me who feels sad, lonely and depressed but when you are in this circle it makes you feel like it’s just you and no body else!! It’s hard bloody work I never imagined life to be like this x15 June 2020 at 12:19 pm #41019
firstly and maybe most importantly YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I suffer quite badly with depression myself and have for years, probably before I even realised. I get very low and emotional a lot and obviously the current climate isn’t helping matter. My ex’s would probably say I am similar to your ex partner in the respect that I need to grow up. I am not quite as bad and don’t disappear for days but I have been known to prioritise going out drinking over having my children in the past (not proud of it).
I over think a lot, as you know that’s a big symptom of depression, I have always had simple goals in life, meet someone, get married, have children, nice house & garden, then live happily ever after. Problem is life rarely works out the way you plan it! I often punish myself with “what ifs” and convince myself I don’t have enough time left to achieve anything of any importance. I find it worse of an evening and like you find it hard to get up and get on with things that need doing and find myself watching TV while looking at dating sites wondering why no one likes me.
I also take medication but again, like you don’t think this achieving much.
Recently taken up running with a friend to try and help myself but it takes a lot of effort for me to achieve the motivation and I’m yet to really feel the benefit.
Sorry I know I don’t have much in the way of answers or advice but like I said just think its important you know you are not alone.15 June 2020 at 1:15 pm #41025
Hi marv Thankyou for your kind reply!!! Why is it you did prioritise the going out over your kids if you don’t mind me asking was it the depression?? Or did you just feel like that was ok? We planned our first 2 children he wanted them as much as I did!! When we split I slept with him again as just felt so lonely then bamm!!! Pregnant again!! He wanted 3rd also I feel as though he must of liked me pregnant!! I was unsure but he told me he would be there for them!! I get depressed and so tearful all the time and this virus thing isn’t helping at all has made me worse With the lonleyness but I wouldn’t dream of saying to him just nipping out for milk and then turn up two days later with out the bloody milk!!! We all need a good time a good drink and to let our hair down it’s just when it’s a regular basis!! We never went out together, i was always home with kids!! his what I call ‘benders’ Happened twice a month i went looking for him this one Sunday when he was supposed to be having his children! There’s lots of horrible things he has done but we got through them!! His friends are low lives that just do drugs have no respect for there girlfriend his best friend cheated on his girlfriend 7x which I find disturbing especially one of those times she was pregnant!! She’s still with him 🙈 I’m thinking if his friends did this, did he do this to me ?? Like you said your mind goes on and on and on and my mind also likes to think the worst I think that’s how I try to protect myself!! Xx15 June 2020 at 1:38 pm #41027
Hi Kate, I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. I don’t know if you will want this advice but it’s only sent with good wishes – and it’s your own choice to do what you want with it or ignore entirely.
I think you need to start again. I don’t think he will change or he would have.He is surrounded by enablers of his bad behaviour – parents especially. I think you need to let him go as a possible partner and focus on you.
You are only 31 and can change your life and slowly get to the lovely life, job and man you deserve.
Right now things are so tough, but slowly the economy will have to get on track. There is going to have to be additional support for women who have been hit very hard by childcare issues (and single dads too I do know!). It’ll be an opportunity to retrain. Look for everything you can to get back out the house once it’s safe to do so and to have children in schools/childcare. It might not be a career in hairdressing as it’s a tough industry now – big demand for other sectors though likely to come out of this pandemic. You sound like you want and need a social job though. Keep that in mind and look for things that’ll train you up and open new horizons to be back working, socialising and getting back to you.
But until then know you’re not alone. And you’re not silly in having lovely dreams and those dreams also are not over. You’re only 31. People meet the love of their lives and start new careers at much older than you. This pandemic will pass. Just take each crappy day as it comes but keep your eyes on the horizon and where you want to get your life.
When you feel negative about yourself, try think about if your son/daughter came to you in 25 years feeling like you do now how kind would you try be to them. Try be just as kind to yourself. When you think about your ex, all the what ifs, try gently tell yourself the only thing you can change is you and you’re worth your effort and he isn’t.
Do what you can to sleep better, eat better and just make each day as ok as can be. But try switch your brain to thinking it’s ok not to feel ok – not to berating yourself for not feeling ok. Perfectly normal to not be ok considering this crazy pandemic.
Also as a priority go back to GP and speak to them. They might have some counselling or something they can signpost you to. Or they might switch meds. They might also be hopeless too I know but worth a shot.
There are loads of free apps and things for meditating, exercise etc.
See if any suit you.
But if something doesn’t work out don’t lose hope. It’s a tough time in your life, on top of a tough time in the world. It will pass too and you can come out through it all the stronger and better.15 June 2020 at 2:24 pm #41028
I did it because I could, no real excuses. I just tried to tag along with some younger friends that have no responsibilities. I suppose I just thought being drunk and partying was a route to being happy and fitting in! But even I know that couldn’t be further from the truth and alcohol has always caused more problems for me than its fixed.
I have to say Booksbunny has given you some great advice, the only thing I would say is from my experience its a lot easier to swallow in bite size chunks. Its right not to give up on your dreams but try not to put any time restraint on any of your goals as that can lead to feeling like you’ve failed when really you just need to give it more time. I now days have broken it down so far as daily goals, I promise myself I will do at least one thing/chore a day even if its just a load of washing in and out of the washer, but I find once I start I end up carrying on and getting quite a lot done which in return gives you a sense of satisfaction knowing you’ve achieved something. I know it sounds silly but it works for me and now I’ve even started running to try and feel healthier physically at least and I’m hoping my mental health will eventually catch up.15 June 2020 at 3:24 pm #41035
Marv282 – just to say I hope you’re ok too. Please don’t think I judge men who go through periods of wanting to be with the lads and go drinking. Only trying to respond to the situation as a woman. But your honesty and advice to take it in small steps is so bang on. I’m glad you’re finding some benefit from running. Exercise was always my go to when I felt low after separation. I really miss the gym! I do my best to just do home workouts now. Its on my list to start running outside this year but I keep making excuses. Now you’ve made me determined to try a run this week. So thanks!15 June 2020 at 3:43 pm #41036
Thanks Booksbunny, Its like anything, all in moderation but I definitely took it to the extreme. I have an addictive personality so alcohol quite easily took a hold of me then I found it hard to prioritise anything but my next drink.
On the mend now but still have my moments.15 June 2020 at 4:10 pm #41039
Glad you’re on the mend. Alcohol is one of the most addictive and readily available drugs. I’ve seen the effects in my own family growing up. And it can change people completely so you’ve done so well to see the problem and do something about it. 👏15 June 2020 at 6:58 pm #41056
Thankyou to you guys!!! For taking the time and helping me with my problems!!! Booksbunny my mum said exactly the same!!! And everyone else around me it’s dealing with the heartbreak as well as depression and looking after my 3 boys!!! So hard I think this is most of our problems is learning to let go xx16 June 2020 at 9:51 am #41081
Just to re-iterate you are doing a brilliant job and you HAVE done the right thing. You trusted your instinct and you are doing right by your boys. Just keep talking to them, keep things calm for them and seeing them happy will make you happy. It is so hard having 3 boys at the age your are. I struggled so much with depression when mine were your age. Now aged 11, 9 and 7 it’s a different set of problems but they’re still so physical and full on, boys just are. But boys LOVE their mum and the more hugs and love you give them the more you will get back and they will grow up stronger with a great sense of respect and love for all women and treat them well. They will realise it is you who are the stronger parent and will protect you with ferocity. Mine do now and are very protective of me if Daddy gets angry or is suddenly inconsistent with his parenting as he’s had a bad day when he visits. I do sometimes think people underestimate though how lonely it is with boys though, as they aren’t as tuned in emotionally as girls and so you must seek female friends to fill that gap. I do understand and it sounds like you’re very overwhelmed, which is totally understandable in your situation. Somedays it just feels like all you do is serve other peoples needs. It isn’t easy just to go for a run (no offense to the other parents, really sorry) when you are carer of many small people most of the time, even going for a wee on your own is a massive undertaking. I would love to go out running but when I do finally get time on my own I just collapse in a heap and stare at the walls and take in the peace. You forget how to do things on your own because when you have 3 small boys your life is just on autopilot. You’re just surviving. A friend once said to me living in my house was like that pop up mole game you play in arcades, every time you push one down another pops up. Its quite relentless.
So please be kind to yourself and remember this is a phase and they will grow up. I say this to myself all the time ha ha! If you want to chat, please do. Its good to understand how others cope with small boys and emotional chaos.
Take care xxxx17 June 2020 at 9:45 am #41180
Thankyou for your reply littleDF, yes you are so right!! I hate running anyway lol prefer a walk!! And like you said hard to go for a wee and out before dinner sometimes, I totally get you soon as everyone is in bed I sit on my sofa in pure silence no tv no nothing silence is bliss xx